Dwight K. Schrute: I'm going to live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.

Erin: Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Pam: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

Dwight K. Schrute: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son, he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Dwight K. Schrute: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.

Dwight K. Schrute: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight K. Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Dwight K. Schrute: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.

Dwight K. Schrute: First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow. I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.

Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.