Darryl: I've never been lucky. And I'm not talking about the lottery, I'm talking about stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?

Darryl: Think about it! What other mammal, besides humans, drinks the milk of another mammal? I mean, you don't see a bear drinking raccoon milk.

Darryl: I've been meaning to join a gym for my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president. Or a supermodel president. I want to see all the different kinds of presidents.

Darryl: I taught Mike some phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin flicka." You know, things us Negroes say. Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.

Darryl: Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. [pauses] Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.

Darryl: I was there. That dude is not engaged. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pockets to cover his co-pay.

Deangelo: I'm no MJ. I can do his dunk. From the free throw line.
Kevin: Whoa.
Darryl: Damn! Mad respect for my brotha!
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say, and soon, I will say it in Chinese.

Darryl: Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather 'cause I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface 'cause I'm black.

Bookstore employee: Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.
Darryl: Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold, like, ten books at once.
Bookstore employee: Actually, it's ten thousand.
Darryl: Holy [bleep]. What? Let me see that. It's so light. Like a croissant.