Clark: Hey, can I talk to you for one second?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: One second.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: One second.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
Clark: Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen]
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Okay, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off.
Clark: Dude, we're being conned.
Dwight K. Schrute: Go on.
Clark: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?
Clark: I don't even know what an auger is!
Dwight K. Schrute: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is.

Clark: You got this, it's all you. Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It's not a race, Dwight.
Andy: Well, it's official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.
Dwight K. Schrute: [bleeding heavily from the mouth] That's not true. Just give me another chance.

Andy: Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?
Clark: Uh... A couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe- No, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut.
Andy: Really?
Clark: Yeah, industry secret. You're gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back.
Pete: Seems unnecessary for an audition.
Clark: And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so...
Andy: Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff.
Clark: I absolutely will do that.

[As the work bus pulls away:]
Darryl: [unenthusiastic] Stop.
Clark: [unenthusiastic] Come back.
Darryl: [unenthusiastic] Too late.
Clark: [unenthusiastic] Mmm.

Dwight K. Schrute: Bust out your complaint files. I need everything you've got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? "Infuriating, irresponsible"...
Clark: They got us set up with Windows 95, so you're kind of dreaming here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I'm gonna need you to print it out.
[Dot matrix printer begins to print very loudly and very slowly]

Clark: Hey, Pam, I'm going to the kitchen. You want anything?
Pam: I'm good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, hey, I'll take a coffee.
Clark: Oh, I'm sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee.

Clark: [to Pete] I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.

Clark: So Pete was a librarian?
Alice: He worked as a librarian freshman year.
Clark: Was he like the sexy librarian?
Pete: Okay.

Erin: Oh. Hey, champions.
Toby: Good morning.
Clark: Quarter finals in an hour. Hope you got some sleep 'cause I am going to be haunting your nightmares tonight.
Erin: I did. I got some really good sleep.
Clark: Did you? [pushes pencil cup at Erin]
Erin: [grabs pencils out of cup quickly as cup falls] Bzzz.

Jim: Oh, Clark. I'm actually here today. Surprise! So I was wondering if I could maybe have my desk back.
Clark: Right. Yeah. But, you know, I've actually been working pretty hard here on a daily basis. So, I kind of feel like I've earned this. I mean, you know?
Jim: You totally have. You have earned this. But maybe I could be with my wife. Kind of the whole reason that I'm here.
Clark: Right. Well, I'm here to sell paper.
Pam: Wow.
Clark: All right, Jim, look. I just got made junior salesman. Right? And- And Wallace is here today. And I don't him to just think of me as a customer service rep that sits in the annex. I mean, you can get that, right? Right? And what do you need more face time with Wallace for? You trying to get a second second job here?