Clark: I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.

Dwight K. Schrute: Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
Clark: [emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.

Andy: Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but, uh, I'm related to Michelle Obama.
[Clark and Peter clap; together to camera:]
Pete: Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
Clark: So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders. It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
Pete: Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.
Clark: Just clap through it, man.

Clark: This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome.

Oscar: Hey, look who's back, Dwight Junior.
Kevin: Hey, so how was it? I mean... the sex with Jan.
Clark: A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.
[aside to camera:]
Clark: Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was... like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was, uh, like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.

Pam: Oh my god! Is everyone OK?
Phyllis: Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.
Nellie: Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.
Stanley: Me too. [holds up four fingers]
Clark: I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.

Clark: Wait! Wait. Hold on. Where's the band? ‘Cause there's just no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths.
Creed: Yeah. That's what she said.
[aside to camera:]
Clark: What, am I overdoing it? No. No.

Dwight K. Schrute: [pulling Clark across the parking lot] I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?
Clark: Well, my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys.
Dwight K. Schrute: Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work.
Clark: OK, boss. [quietly] Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Like you're smarter than this.
Pam: Shh, shh.
Clark: This is never gonna work.
Pam: Shh. Remember your lines.
Clark: What lines?

Dwight K. Schrute: Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles.
Clark: What's her name?
Dwight K. Schrute: Esther Bruegger.
Clark: Sweet.
Dwight K. Schrute: Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.
Clark: Oh, yeah. Keep talkin'.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, we've been out three times. There has been physicality, but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me.
Clark: Oh.
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughs] What do you think?
Clark: The same thing that you think.
Dwight K. Schrute: A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.
Clark: God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.

Andy: But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our Halloween party.
Stanley: Ugh. I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that.
Clark: I do. I love the boss's interests.
Andy: Atta boy, Clark!