Toby: Hey, I need to talk to you-
Michael Scott: Not now, not ever.
Toby: -about you and Jan.
Michael Scott: Ah. None of your business.
Toby: I wish that were true, but it- It- It seems from that photo that two of you have entered into an intimate relationship.
Michael Scott: That photo is my personal property, and if you are telling me that you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Toby: Michael, nine different people e-mailed me that photo, including my ex-wife and we don't talk.
Michael Scott: Well, this is probably the icebreaker you need.

Angela: Okay, we only have three hours, people, to plan a whole luau and you're not helping.
Karen: What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis: I've called every grocery store in Scranton and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?

Pam: Michael? It's Jan on the phone.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! No, no, no. Hang up. Hang up. Tell her I'm not here. Don't- Don't- I've ran out of gas. I hit a deer. I hit- I hit a deer with my car. No. I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam: [on the phone] He'll call you back. Okay. Great.
Michael Scott: Do you think she bought it? Okay.

Michael Scott: Hello! Hi! Attention, everyone. Um. Apparently, there is an e-mail circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rated picture of me and a woman.
Kevin: Jan.
Michael Scott: No, Kevin, a woman. Maybe Jan, maybe-
Jim: Urgle Grue.

[As Pam cries in the corridor:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Who did this to you? Where is he?
Pam: What? No. It's not- It's nothing.
[Dwight takes his jacket off, then ties it around his waist]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's hot in here.
Pam: Yeah.
[Dwight removes a handkerchief and hands it to Pam.]
Pam: Thanks.
[Dwight sits down]
Pam: You don't need to stay here.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know.
[Dwight places his hand on Pam's shoulder as she sobs]
Dwight K. Schrute: So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?

Jan: Why am I here, Michael?
Michael Scott: I-
Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not communicate. This is neither here nor there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies, and that for once, I should indulge them. Are you following me?
Michael Scott: Uh, uh- Yes.
Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even- Even if it means lowering my expectations or redefining the word itself.
Michael Scott: Okay, yeah-
Jan: This is the thing, you know? I am attracted to you. I don't I don't know why, I- But I am, and I need to follow my instincts. At least, that's what Dr. Perry thinks.
Michael Scott: Who's Dr. Perry? I-
Jan: This is the point, okay? You're wrong for me. In- In every way. But I still- Well, I find myself wanting to be with you.

Michael Scott: And I to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are, as well.
Jan: ... Good. Good.

Michael Scott: Jan? You complete me.
Jan: Oh, God.

Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in. Dwight, get his autograph for Michael-
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, okay?

Kevin: What am I gonna do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art.