The Office Quotes

The Office

The Office

A mockumentary which follows the employees of the Scranton, Pennsylvania branch of a fictional paper company, Dunder Mufflin.

Starring: Steve Carell, Rainn Wilson, John Krasinski, Jenna Fischer, B.J. Novak, Ed Helms, Leslie David Baker, Brian Baumgartner, Kate Flannery, Angela Kinsey, Oscar Nunez, Phyllis Smith, Mindy Kaling, Paul Lieberstein, Creed Bratton, Craig Robinson, Ellie Kemper.
Recurring Actors: Melora Hardin, David Denman, David Koechner, Andy Buckley, Rashida Jones, Amy Ryan, Kathy Bates, Zach Woods, James Spader, Catherine Tate, Clark Duke, Jake Lacy.
Original Run: 2005-2013.

Quote of the Day

Friday, July 30, 2021

Quote from Holly in Business Ethics

Holly: Okay, so I've gone over this, and I've thought about it, and I just don't think there's any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated.
Michael Scott: Wow. Terminator.
Holly: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'm from the future.

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Quote from Michael Scott in Nepotism

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Quote from Michael Scott in Safety Training

Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight K. Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes. My head is in such pain and turmoil.

Quote from Robert in Turf War

Robert: [answering phone] Yeah, hello?
Andy: [on cell phone] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer.
Robert: You're blackmailing me.
Andy: It's just business.
Robert: Ah. [chuckles] Well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on, but you're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the [bleep] lizard king.

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Quote from Andy in Traveling Salesmen / The Return

Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter. Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
Michael Scott: No. I don't wanna do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [ringtone starts again] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little news flash. It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! God! [punches his fist into the wall] That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in The Delivery

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in A.A.R.M.

Erin: [over intercom] The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Dwight K. Schrute: But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
Erin: Close.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?
Erin: Colder.
Dwight K. Schrute: The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
Erin: No, I meant you're getting colder. The correct response is, "the coffee in Peru is much hotter."
Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, much, okay.
Erin: But, that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. [Dwight begins to protest] Unless you want me to break protocol?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no. Give me the steam.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.