Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm going to live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.

[Jim arrives for work wearing glasses, a side-parting hair cut, and a pale yellow shirt:]
Jim: It's kind of blurry. That's better. Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bears do not- What is going on? What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble and that's a grand total of $11.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Darryl: Hey, hey. They're back.
Kelly: Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida?
Jim: Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um... Wow, you look great. Did you lose some weight?
Kelly: Thank you, for someone who actually notices this. No, I didn't lose weight. But I started using my makeup to contour my face to look skinnier. I actually put on five pounds.

Michael Scott: All right. Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. You know what? Let's also give a shout out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh? Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? But the real reason that we are here is to say good-bye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.
Pam: Song parody writer.
Michael Scott: I have done things like "Beers in Heaven".
Jim: Classic.
Michael Scott: Or "Total Eclipse of The Fart."
Jim: Not my favorite, but-
Pam: I like that one.
Michael Scott: I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. Do you know, um, Goodbye Stranger, Supertramp?