‘War of the Hecks’
Season 5, Episode 11 - Aired January 15, 2014
A prank war breaks out between Axl and Sue when she discovers he was the one who stole her Thundering Hens mascot head. Frankie starts spending her evenings with her boss, Dr. Goodwin (Jack McBrayer), who doesn't have any friends in Orson. Meanwhile, Mike tries to bond with dog Colin Firth as Frankie insists she will find the owner, and Brick reads Debbie Reynolds' book.
Quote from Dr. Goodwin
Frankie: [v.o.] While Sue was standing up to Axl, I caved and said yes to shoe shopping with my boss.
Frankie: Well, once we narrowed it down between dull black and shiny black, things really picked up.
Dr. Goodwin: Yeah. Hey, Frankie. You know what shoes and people have in common?
Frankie: You know, I love suspense, so why don't you tell me tomorrow?
Dr. Goodwin: Tongues! Cat got your tongue? No, I do. 'Cause I'm checking you for oral cancer. 'Cause I'm a dentist. [silence] Shoot, should have ended on cancer, right? 'Cause that's the joke.
Frankie: What are you talking about?
Dr. Goodwin: I'm giving stand-up comedy a whirl.
Frankie: You are?
Dr. Goodwin: Yep. I'm gonna be performing down at The Giggle Gulch on Wednesday night, and I'd sure love to see your friendly face out there in the audience.
Frankie: Uh, I can't think of a reason why not. [chuckles] Just give me a second. Oh, shoot! That's the back-to-school rally booster concert. It's big. It's so big.
Dr. Goodwin: Well, no problem. They said I could also go up on Thursday. Catch me now before I'm on "Jiminy Kimmel."
Frankie: [chuckles] I mean, who wouldn't want to give up a night at home to go see their boss try stand-up?
Quote from Sue
Axl: What are you doing?
Sue: Let's end this, Axl. No more bubbles, no more superglue, no more embarrassing pictures. All you have to do is apologize for taking my Hen head, which is what you should have done in the first place, and then we can forget all about this. If not... the jersey gets it.
Axl: Whoa, hey. Don't mess with that.
Sue: Wow. This city championship jersey was signed by your entire team, making this item irreplaceable. Uh-oh! [gasps]
Axl: [groans] I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I took the Hen head. I thought it would be funny. Clearly, it wasn't. I'm sorry.
Sue: See? Now, was that so hard? [the jersey catches fire]
Axl: Oh, no! Oh!
Sue: [screams] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! My- Oh, Axl! I am so sorry! I didn't mean it. I was just trying to scare you and threaten you. This was just supposed to be an empty threat. Axl, say something! You have to say something!
Axl: I have no sister.
Sue: What? Of course you have a sister. You have to have a sister! I am your sister!
Quote from Mike
Mike: [Colin Firth growls, barks] Eh. I don't get you. I mean, I-I'm sorry. What is that? What- What- What are you barking at? Half a potato chip? The President's at the door? All the same level with you. [Colin Firth barks]
Quote from Mike
Mike: Come on, West, get in the game. Can you believe this guy? [Colin Firth scooches closer to Mike] Four turnovers in a half. Get him out of there! That's a foul! Ref, call it! They never call a foul on Lebron. Never. [Colin Firth moves closer] All right, let's play some defense now. Come on, defense. [Mike starts stroking Colin Firth's head] Get in his face! Hands up! Here we go.
Quote from Dr. Goodwin
Frankie: Well, thanks so much for making me come out tonight. I really needed a good laugh.
Dr. Goodwin: This was a bad idea. I mean, I just did it 'cause I've been feeling kind of lonely, and stand-up seems so popular. But dentist? I mean, who wants to hang out with their dentist?
Frankie: Well, you've only been in town for a little bit. It takes a while to make friends.
Dr. Goodwin: I've been here 20 years.
Frankie: Yikes.
Dr. Goodwin: And I'm sorry, Frankie. I know I've been taking up a lot of your time. I guess ever since Toffee disappeared, I've just been looking for something to fill the void.
Frankie: Who's Toffee?
Dr. Goodwin: Oh, just my dog who went missing. And I know, as a dentist, I'm not supposed to name my pet after a sugary treat, but... Aww, he's white with these adorable brown spots, and he's so sweet... just like toffee.
Frankie: Wow. So, um, roughly how long ago did you lose him?
Dr. Goodwin: Huh, let's see. About two months ago. You'd think if somebody found him, they'd do the humane thing and put up fliers, right?
Frankie: Well, you know, tape doesn't hold very well in this weather.
Quote from Mike
Mike: There you go, West. See? Good things happen when you shoot the ball. Who's got the best power forward in the league? [rubs Colin Firth's head] We do. Yes, we do. Yes, we do.
Quote from Frankie
[When the door handle rattles, Mike and Colin Firth move apart from each other on the couch. Colin Firth starts barking]
Mike: I'm trying to watch the game. You want to get your dog?
Frankie: Colin Firth. Colin Firth? [the dog doesn't move] Toffee? [the dog goes to Frankie] Oh, crap. Yeah, so, I have some bad news. Well, good news for you, I guess. This isn't our dog.
Mike: What are you talking about?
Frankie: [sighs] It's Dr. Goodwin's. His dog ran away two months ago, and Colin Firth is the exact description of him. So, we have to take him back to Dr. Goodwin's 'cause he belongs to him. You believe that baloney?
Mike: Oh. Well... good. Looks like it all worked out, then.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Okay, Colin Firth. I got your chewy bone and your chewy monster and your chewy Mike's shoe. Where's your leash?
Mike: [to the dog] Take care of yourself.
Frankie: All right, well, we are off. I guess it's all for the best, huh? You two never really hit it off, anyway. Come on.
Quote from Axl
Axl: So, I'll, uh, text you some dates when you could maybe come to visit, you know, like, uh, when no one else is around.
Sue: Oh! I have a brother again!
Axl: I really don't know why you love me so much. I've done nothing to deserve it. Yeah, okay. You can let go now.