Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, another night out on the town with my boss. Well, good thing there was a two-drink minimum. 'Cause I needed about three.
Dr. Goodwin: Well, good evening. My name is Dr. Ted Goodwin, and I'm a dentist here in Orson, and guess what. Four out of five of us hate you, too. [Frankie laughs] Hey, did you know that mouth cancer causes 45,000 deaths per year? Can you believe that baloney?

Frankie: [v.o.] The one thing all parents look forward to is their kids coming home from college for winter break. Until they've been there a couple weeks.
Frankie: [sighs] Axl. How many times have I told you stop leaving your stuff everywhere. Seriously, this house is so much cleaner when you're not here.
Axl: [groans] Fine! Why are you always thinking things are gonna get better, huh? [stuff his clothes in the microwave] Just give up, Mom. This is your life.
Frankie: Because of that comment, you're also gonna go clean up your room. I want you to get rid of whatever you don't need anymore. You have junk in there that you haven't used since you were 5.
Axl: Oh, my God. I go to college, and you want to erase any trace of me, like I never even existed.
Frankie: Now you're getting it.

Dr. Goodwin: Frankie! You leaving?
Frankie: Oh, hey. Yeah, just thinking about packing up. [chuckles] I can't believe it's the end of the day already. Time just flew, huh? So, I'll see you tomorrow.
Dr. Goodwin: Ah, okay. Well, just always seems like you're running out the door, so...
Frankie: No, you know what? I'm not actually running. I'm just low to the ground, so it seems like I'm moving faster than I really am.
Dr. Goodwin: [chuckles] Well, you're not running anywhere tonight except to grab a burger with me.
Frankie: Oh, you don't have to do that.
Dr. Goodwin: Nonsense. You had me over for Thanksgiving, and I haven't even taken you out for a single meal.
Frankie: Okay, then. G-great. Yes, it would be much more fun going to dinner with my boss instead of just going home and watching The Bachelor.
Dr. Goodwin: Super!

Frankie: [v.o.] Yeah, I'd love to say that a cutting board to the face was the end of Axl and Sue's epic fight. But unfortunately, it was just the beginning.
[Axl is covered in dust when he uses the hairdryer in the bathroom]
Axl: No! [groans] This did not just happen!
Sue: Oh, yeah, it did. Uh, you brought this on yourself, Axl. You not only hurt me, y-you hurt the lives of all the innocent fans who root for the Thundering Hens.
Axl: What?
Sue: Besides, Axl, it's just a prank. Where's your sense of humor?
Axl: You'll find out when my butt's in your face!

Frankie: So, hey. I'm gonna assume you haven't researched how to get a dog to like you, but I have.
Mike: You can research how to get a dog to like you? Is that what the internet's for?
Frankie: Mm-hmm. A lot of good tips here, Mike. Oh, this is something that seems made for you and your face problem. It says you should make sleepy eyes and then yawn so it makes the dog feel like you're not intimidating.
Mike: Yeah, I'm not doing that. Next.
Frankie: Okay. Give it treats. Keep little pieces of meat in your pocket.
Mike: Frankie, I ate salsa for dinner. Any meat in my pocket's going in my mouth.
Frankie: Okay, well, here's the list. You may peruse it at your leisure.
Mike: I didn't put this much effort into raising our kids.
Axl: [o.s.] You're so dead! [Sue screams]
Frankie: Clearly.

Frankie: Okay. Remember, if I'm not home by 10:00, call my cellphone and pretend something horrible happened.
Mike: You really doing this? Going to see your boss do comedy?
Frankie: What choice do I have? He signs my paychecks, and he seems to enjoy my company. I'm not like you. I don't scare people off with my stony disposition. I'm warm. I exude warmth. You don't know what that's like. It's a curse, really.
Mike: You know, you don't have to talk to people. It's your choice.

Brick: I need to read you something.
Axl: Oh, God, not the old-lady book again.
Brick: No, this is from a young lady who's in a lot of pain. "My dearest brother. I know you're going back to college tomorrow. But before you go, I want you to know that I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, very, very, ver--" Basically, she's sorry.
Axl: Yeah.
Brick: "In exchange for your forgiveness, I will allow you 10 Indian burns, 3 pink bellies, 2 Dutch ovens, and a chili dunk." She does stipulate that all this be done on a weekend so she has time to recover.
Axl: Mm.
Brick: Look, Axl, I really don't think you'll get better than this. My advice would be to accept the offer.
Axl: [chuckles] No.

Frankie: Wait, what? Are you kidding me? This isn't Toffee?
Dr. Goodwin: Oh, no, ma'am. But I can already tell this little guy's gonna fill the giant gaping hole in my heart.
Frankie: [chuckles] Well, you know, having a dog with four legs could be quite an adjustment. I'd certainly be willing to help out. Hey, you know, there's a great dog park nearby. We could all go after work. It could be fun.
Dr. Goodwin: [chuckling] No, thanks.

Frankie: [groans] I didn't mean to be out so late. Turns out Dr. Goodwin has a long story about everything. On the plus side, I brought you dinner.
Mike: Well, that's something. All I could find in the fridge is an old jar of salsa and Axl's pants. Blue cheese?
Frankie: Dr. Goodwin likes it. And, hey, if you don't want it there's a dog here that would be more than happy to eat it.
Mike: Yeah, speaking of that, you can't go out carousing with your boss till 9:00 at night when you got a dog here that needs to be walked.
Frankie: Look, Dr. Goodwin's a billion times nicer than Mr. Ehlert, but he could still fire me, Mike. I'm really not that good at my job.

Frankie: The point is, you could have walked the dog. It's really not that hard.
Mike: Look, I'm not carrying a poop bag for a dog I never signed off on. And I'm not buying your excuses about those fliers. The tape won't stick in this weather? Really?
Frankie: Look, I understand that Colin Firth is causing some disruption in our house. And I will entertain the idea of giving up this dog I love very much. But I think you are a decent person. And as a decent person, you would see that it wouldn't be fair to-- to make me do it unless you really tried, because you're so decent. Because you have a lot of qualities, but decency is the one that really comes across. [sighs] Please, Mike? It would make up for the hostile resting face.
Mike: [groans]
Frankie: Thank you! You give it a shot with the dog for two weeks. Really try, and if you guys don't bond, we'll seriously talk about finding him a different home.