Pat: Wait, you're getting a washcloth? I think I'd rather have a moist paper towel. Where are my paper towels? Wait, you didn't tell Janet about my incident, did you?
Frankie: Mom, you were in the hospital. I had to tell her.
Pat: Well, don't bother her anymore. Oh, she's very busy. That Lucy's a genius and takes up a lot of her time. Lucy made a rocket that went 20 feet.
Frankie: That doesn't make her a genius.
Pat: Jealousy is not a good color on you, Frankie.
Frankie: Okay, Mom. I'm gonna go grab that paper towel.
Pat: Wait, you don't know how I make it.
Frankie: Mom, I think I can run water on a paper towel. I don't need to be as smart as Lucy to figure that out.
Pat: Okay. But don't put it directly on your counter 'cause I want it clean.

Sue: Okay, so Sean and I are just hanging out, having pizza...
Brad: Oh, my God. Did he ask you out? Wait, no spoilers. I want to hear everything.
Sue: Okay, so, we're having pizza, and it turns out, he thought I had a boyfriend.
Brad: And you tell him you don't.
Sue: I tell him I don't, and then he says he's so busy with med school, he can't even think about having a girlfriend.
Brad: Ah, hunky med student too busy to find love until he realizes it's been right under his nose the whole time. I like where this is going.

Sue: I can't, Brad! When I said we should set each other up, he seemed genuinely excited.
Brad: Oh...
Sue: I'm gonna have to set him up, but with who?!
Brad: Oh, definitely go with a loser. There's this girl in my dorm who's hooked on pharmacy-grade cough syrup. She'll fall asleep right in her Caesar salad, and if she's not sleeping, she'll be stealing from him.
Sue: I can't do that. I have to set him up with someone great. Worst case scenario, they fall in love, get married, live a long, happy life together, she dies peacefully in her sleep, and then I swoop in and date Sean!
And I'll know he's worth the wait because he was faithful to her for 65 years.
Brad: Hm.
Sue: Oh.
Brad: I think you're right, Sue. It's like they say... if you love something, set it up. If it goes on a date and comes back to you, it's meant to be.

Pat: [on the phone] Oh, the problem is with the right burner. Burner. Burner! Oh, your dad says, "Hi." [Frankie waves] Bur-ner! Yes. The left one goes click, click, light, but the right one goes click, click, click, click, light.
Frankie: She'll call you back, Dad. [hangs up]
Pat: [scoffs] The stove people are coming today. You father has no idea what to tell them. I'm gonna have to drive back.
Frankie: No, no, no. You can't do that. I will call the stove people and reschedule the appointment. I'm sure they get cancellations all the time.
Pat: I'm sure they do from rude people. [Frankie sighs] Sweetie, our generation kept their appointments.
Frankie: Yeah, Mom, it's really not a big deal.
Pat: Yes, it is. We made a commitment to that stove guy, and we're gonna honor it.
Frankie: Mom, you're not marrying the stove guy. You're just rescheduling.

Sean: [chuckles] Bear with me, Mrs. Perkins. I'm just a first year. Bet you wish you went with a better insurance plan now.
Mrs. Perkins: [laughs] You're so cute. I could sit here all day. Are you taken? I have a whole wallet full of granddaughters.
Sean: Well, actually, I went on a date last night which... it was fine. She checked all the boxes, but... I don't know. I mean... My friend Sue set me up.
Mrs. Perkins: Mm-hmm.
Sean: And... the funny thing is I would've rather gone on a date with her.
Mrs. Perkins: Mm-hmm. So, you're smitten with Sue, huh?
Sean: Yeah, she's pretty special. And now I'm supposed to set her up with one of my friends, but the more I keep thinking about it, am I really gonna let some other guy show up and take the girl I like out on a date?
Mrs. Perkins: No way, you're not.
Sean: Yeah. So what if it was me?
Mrs. Perkins: Ooh.
Sean: What if when Sue Heck opens her door tonight, it's Sean Donahue standing there? [Mrs. Perkins laugh] You know what? I'm gonna go for it!
Mrs. Perkins: Well, good for you. Now, let's take that can-do attitude and get me to crap.
Sean: Yes. Of course, yes.

Frankie: Okay, here you go. Oh. [sniffs] Whew! I-I haven't showered in four days. I-I'm gonna have to break out the brand-name soap for this one. Listen, I'm gonna be in there for a while, so if you want me to grab you a pop, now is the time to ask.
Pat: Well, if your dad was here, I wouldn't even be able to have a pop. About five years ago, Harvey from across the street got on your dad about Aspartame. [Frankie sighs] You remember Harvey. He's the one that's got the dog that barks all night. I can never remember that dog's name.
Frankie: Yes or no on the pop, Mom?
Pat: Oh, I'm not thirsty. But when you do come out, I'd love another wet paper towel. It was a little drippy the last time, so you're gonna want to wring it.
Frankie: I'm gonna want to wring it, all right.

Axl: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not sleeping in here again, are you?
Brick: Yeah, Dad, no offense, but your snoring is unbearable.
Axl: I agree, except for the "no offense" part. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you go sleep on the nice, comfy couch, huh?
Mike: I got a better idea. Why don't you two buy a house? Then you can decide where people sleep.
Axl: Hey, I pay for groceries! I mean, I haven't yet, but you told me I'm supposed to.
Mike: Look, I'm the dad, and I'm not going anywhere. Besides, I'm starting to warm up to this place. Sue's bed is comfortable, the room smells like flowers, and her unicorn night light lights my path to the bathroom like a runway.
Axl: God, this is so unfair!
Brick: Come on, Dad.
Axl: You're just taking over everything.
Brick: Please! It's just...
Mike: Bup-bup-bup! I don't want to hear it. You two have very nice beds in a very nice house. Now, scamper through that hole in the wall and leave me alone.

Brick: I can't believe Dad drove us from our own room. Does he know what time I have to be on the bus tomorrow?
Axl: What about me, huh? I got to drive the bus. You just got to sit in the back, and come up with clever nicknames for Susie Miller's boobs. Or whatever it is you do to pass the time. Point is, I am responsible for children. Dad works in a quarry. I mean, what does he even do there?
Brick: I saw him staple a few papers when I was there. He probably sells rocks.
Axl: You don't sell rocks, Brick. People just dig 'em up. It's public domain.
Brick: Well, maybe he turns rocks into marble counters.
Axl: If he could do that, we'd have a better kitchen.

Frankie: Mom, what are you doing?
Pat: I had a burst of energy, and I thought I would reorganize your cabinets.
Frankie: You have vertigo. You are not even supposed to get up without supervision. You could've slipped and hit your head!
Pat: Oh, sweetie, I would never slip on these floors. They're too sticky.
Frankie: [sighs] Still, I don't need you to reorganize my cabinets. Everything is fine where it was.
Pat: Well... At least separate your beans from your soups.
Frankie: Mom, please, I have had to switch two shifts at work. I'm getting no sleep. So, at least let me put my beans where I want them.
Pat: Well, I'm sorry, honey. I didn't know you were so picky. I mean, there's no evidence around here that anybody cares where anything goes.

Pat: I feel like such a burden.
Frankie: Oh, stop it.
Pat: Well, it's not supposed to be this way, Frankie. You shouldn't be feeding me and schlepping me to the doctor... [voice breaking] and cleaning up my messes.
Frankie: Mom, really, it's fine.
Pat: [normal voice] It isn't fine! You shouldn't be doing any of this.
Frankie: Mom. It's my privilege. Don't you remember?
[flashback to Pat holding a crying baby Sue with Frankie in the living room:]
Frankie: I'm so sorry, Mom. I-I don't know why she won't stop crying. I changed her four times today.
Pat: Well, she's a baby, and babies cry.
Frankie: But I just feel like I'm failing in every way, and I haven't slept in three weeks, I'm very overwhelmed, and I just keep calling you to bail me out, and you shouldn't have to do it, Mom.
Pat: Oh...
Frankie: You shouldn't have to.
Pat: It's my privilege. Okay. Axl, I'm-a coming!
[present:]
Frankie: I love you, Mom.
Pat: [voice breaking] I love you, too, honey.