Principal Barker: Please. Have a seat.
Frankie: Thank you. [Frankie grabs a handful of candy from a jar] My husband and I would just like to say, the next time you accuse a student of something, you might want to get your facts straight first.
Principal Barker: Is there a problem?
Frankie: Yes, there is a problem. You made us doubt our son. Because of your accusations, we broke that sacred bond of trust that we hold so dear. The fact is, Brick has been going to class. We've seen his homework. He even got an "A"-minus on his Spanish test.
Mike: Go ahead, Brick. Hit her with some Spanish.
Brick: Me llamo Brick.
Mike: What does that mean?
Brick: My name is Brick.
Mike: Boom. His name is Brick.
Frankie: The bottom line is, you called us in here and made us feel crappy about ourselves, and that's wrong. We are good parents, and we know what's going on with our son. So, rather than judging us, you might want to spend a little time looking at yourself because, apparently, you don't even know what's going on with your own teachers in your own school.

Frankie: Church. Sometimes you go for fellowship, sometimes you go for spiritual nourishment, and sometimes you go 'cause they loaned you the church van, which you kept way too long 'cause your daughter got her driver's license, and it was nice to have an extra car.
Reverend Hayver: Verse 8 says, "charity never faileth." Everyone here today has been touched by the church's generosity some more than others. [looks at Frankie and Mike] What precedes charity is faith and hope. You have faith in the object of your charity, and you hope that someday, it will be returned to you. [looks at Frankie and Mike]
Frankie: Crap. They want the van back.

Frankie: Hey! Reverend Hayver. Oh, great sermon today. It was entertaining, but it also made you think.
Reverend Hayver: We want the van back, Frankie.
Frankie: Yeah, I know we've had it for a long time, but you know how those insurance companies are. I mean, they're happy to take your money, but once you need something fixed, good luck. Am I right?
Reverend Hayver: We know you got your car back. We drove by your house last night.
Frankie: Wow. Spying on people's houses. Doesn't seem very Jesus-ey.
Reverend Hayver: The van is supposed to be used to help people in need.
Frankie: Oh, we help people in need. Right, guys?
Sue: Totally!
Mike: Sure.
Brick: Not that I recall.

Frankie: Just last week, I drove the Senior Ladies' prayer group to the beauty parlor.
Reverend Hayver: Yes, and then you made them sit in the van while you went shoe shopping.
Frankie: Who told you that? Berta? You know she cheats at bingo.
Reverend Hayver: I need the keys, Frankie. We hope we can do this peacefully.
Frankie: [sighs] Fine. [hands over keys] Can we at least get our stuff? I think we might have left a few things in there.
[An assortment of the Hecks' property falls out when Frankie opens the van doors]

Frankie: Thank you for inviting us in today.
Principal Barker: I didn't invite you. This isn't some cocktail party at your neighbor's fancy rec room. You're here because we have an issue.
Frankie: Yeah, about that. We were actually surprised to get your call. Things have been going so well.
Mike: Yeah, Brick's been really happy this year.
Principal Barker: Oh, has Brick been happy? Oh, that's great. Why don't you take a guess why, hmm? [imitates buzzer] Time's up! It's because he hasn't been attending any of his classes.
Frankie: That's crazy.
Mike: What?
Principal Barker: All of his teachers have reported that he's not showing up.
Frankie: But we've been dropping him off at school every morning. Where is he going?!
Principal Barker: I don't know. I have 425 kids to worry about. And you have how many? Hmm. Let me check.
Oh, that's right... one. So, why don't we go ahead and make that your job, hmm?
Frankie: Actually, we have three kids, but Mike's really in charge of the boys.
Principal Barker: Oh, sure nobody wants the sixth graders. They're not cute and adorable little elementary-school kids. They're ugly, hormonal, one-baby-tooth, one-grown-up-tooth middle-school messes. And you parents just want to dump them and run.
Frankie: We do not dump our kids.
Mike: Trust us, we've tried. They keep coming back.
Principal Barker: Mm. I'm sorry. Did you think we're still talking? We're not.

Axl: No one cares about your stupid interview at the stupid potato place, Sue.
Sue: Mom, Axl stole my cereal!
Frankie: Axl, give your sister the cereal.
Axl: Whatevs. [takes Brick's cereal]
Brick: Mom!
Frankie: Mike.
Mike: Axl. [all look up] Don't take this the wrong way, but... what the hell are you doing here?

Frankie: [v.o.] So, Axl found the perfect girl...
Axl: Hey, buddy. This is Beth.
Frankie: [v.o.] ...for Kenny.
Axl: She's a girl with a big, empty dorm room. She's also on level five of World Of Warcraft.
[Kenny temporarily stops playing the game and, without looking back, sets down a storage crate for Beth to sit next to him]

Frankie: [v.o.] So, Axl was on the way to solving his problem, but Sue well, she was part of the workforce now, so she just had to suck it up and do the job they were payin' her for.
[montage:]
Sue: Have you tried our new tuna and cheese potato? Because I have, and I really, really, really...
Sue: [sobs] Have you tried our new tuna and cheese potato?
Sue: [sobs] I'm sorry.
Sue: I...
Sue: I really, really, really...
Sue: Love it!
Sue: I don't love it.
Sue: I love it!
Sue: [wails] It's horrible!

Mike: You're right. I'm glad we did that in person.
Frankie: Oh, no.
Mike: What?
Frankie: I left my purse in the Principal's office. The car keys were in it. There's no way we're going back in there now.
Frankie: [v.o.] So, for the second time in a week, we were slinking home in shame. Yep, we'd slinked about as low as we could slunk.
[The church group sing as they pass Frankie, Mike and Brick in the church van]

Sue: But the bottom line is, I can't sell something I don't believe in, even if it means taking the bus again.
Therefore, I am respectfully tendering my resignation.
Edwin: The tuna and cheese potato was just the special of the week. In three days, our featured spud will be the Thai shrimp delight.
Sue: Really?! Well, that sounds delicious.
Frankie: [v.o.] Everybody goes through rough patches. We're not the only ones. But no matter how bad things get, you just got to hunker down and ride it out, 'cause as a wise 14-year-old manager once said, "In a few days, a new potato will come along."