‘The Hose’
Season 4, Episode 5 - Aired October 17, 2012
Frankie gets on the wrong side of her neighbor, Rita Glossner (Brooke Shields), when she is accused of stealing the Glossners' hose. When Sue takes a peek at Mike's paycheck, she is shocked at how little the family is earning. Meanwhile, Brick wants to avoid learning about the birds and bees in school, so Axl fills in him on all he needs to know.
Quote from Axl
Sue: Mom! Axl ate my cheese and sausage display!
Axl: Mom's fault! Now that she's home, she eats all our food.
Sue: I need this display, Axl! Mom and Dad only pay for half my trip to Cincinnati, and we are responsible for fund-raising the other half ourselves.
Axl: Oh, this is for you to leave? How much to get you to Alaska?
Quote from Mike
Sue: Thank you guys so much. It's a really big deal for the mascot to be asked on the band trip. Unprecedented, actually. I am making up a whole new routine for the competition. Look.
Mike: Don't show us too much. We... wanna be surprised when we see the tape.
Sue: I just wish you were still at Ehlert's. Do you think you're gonna get a new job anytime soon?
Frankie: Well, it's a big decision, going back to school. I want to make the right choice. Hey, what do you think about me being a crime scene investigator, huh? A CSI sounds pretty cool at cocktail parties.
Mike: There's no crime in Orson... or cocktail parties.
Quote from Axl
Frankie: You've gotta get to school.
Brick: Actually, I was thinking about taking a personal day.
Mike: Why? What's going on in school?
Brick: It's just we're getting the human development talk today. I guess they put girls in one room, boys in the other, and make us all watch this movie, What's Going on Down There? And then we talk about it. Do I have to go? It's embarrassing.
Axl: You don't need a movie. Here's all you need to know before [points at Brick]... after [points at himself]. [laughs]
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Don't sweat it, Brick. You're just growing up. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. And anyway, you already know the basics. [Brick nods and walks off] You did have the talk with him, didn't you?
Mike: I thought so. I-I can't remember.
Frankie: You must have, 'cause I know I talked to Sue. Didn't I?
Mike: I don't know. But I definitely talked to Axl. Okay. Hang on.
Frankie: Eh, that's what school's for.
Quote from Axl
Sue: It's me, Sue. You guys... I have to tell you something. I don't know if I should say, but it's just so big, I can't hold it in anymore. Mom and Dad have been keeping a terrible secret from us. We're poor!
Axl: Oh, no. What'll they say at the club?
Sue: It's the truth, Axl. I accidentally peeked at Dad's paycheck and saw how much money he makes.
Brick: Sue, we go out after tornadoes looking for clothes. We know.
Sue: We have to do something to help. I gave up my trip so they don't have to pay for it, and you guys better start thinking of ways we can save money, too.
Axl: No way. It's their fault. They don't know how to budget. They should have stopped having kids after me. You guys are the real money drain with your braces and your special school.
Brick: I don't go to a special school.
Axl: You don't?
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Look, I've got a plan to fix this. Let's say we buy her a new hose, just to keep the peace.
Mike: We can't do that. That's admitting guilt.
Frankie: Rain of fire, Mike. Rain of fire.
Mike: So that's it? This is our life now?
Frankie: Pretty much. Unless I end up being a really successful... [drops finger on the catalog] car salesman. Seriously?
Quote from Axl
Brick: You know, I should probably stay here and keep guard tomorrow, too. Guess I'll never know what's going on down there.
Axl: Dude, you're gonna want to know that stuff. Trust me, one day, you're gonna be just as excited about girls as you are about books.
Brick: I don't really see that happening.
Axl: Okay. When you go a day without reading a book, how do you feel?
Brick: Like I'm going crazy. I just wanna get my hands on one.
Axl: Exactly. That's how you're gonna feel about girls some day.
Brick: I don't know. I'm still confused about all that stuff in the movie. Maybe I should just go to the library and research it.
Axl: You don't need the library. That's what the Ax-man's for. Huh? Let me break this down for you...
Frankie: [v.o.] So over the next two hours, Axl explained everything... in graphic detail.
Axl: And that's... why you gotta pretend to listen when chicks talk about their feelings.
Quote from Rita Glossner
Frankie: [v.o.] I know, I know. Not my best moment. Mike's usually pretty smart about things. But if you ask me, $13.99 is a small price to pay for peace. Like the Peyton Manning football I gave him that wasn't really signed by Peyton Manning, he just doesn't need to know. [Rita Glossner sneaks up on Frankie] Wow. For someone with such big feet, she sure is quiet.
Rita Glossner: What are you doing in my yard?
Frankie: Oh, I, uh, was, uh, walking at night, you know, like I always do. You've probably seen me. And I noticed that, uh, oh, your hose is here after all. Isn't that funny? [laughs]
Rita Glossner: That's not my hose.
Frankie: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty sure it is. It looks like it. Squirts water.
Rita Glossner: Mine's orange.
Frankie: Really? Huh. Who would have guessed? That's such a rare color. Well, a hose is a hose. Here, go ahead. Take it.
Rita Glossner: I don't want that crappy hose.
Frankie: Well, yeah, this is even better. I mean, your hose was old and beaten up, and look, this is all shiny and brand-new.
Rita Glossner: You sure do know a lot about my hose for someone who didn't take it. Hose thief!
Quote from Rita Glossner
Frankie: Okay, that's it. I am a good neighbor. I don't steal. My family doesn't steal. Your family's the one who steals!
Rita Glossner: I don't like what you're implying.
Frankie: I'm not implying anything. It's a fact. Your kids are a bunch of hooligans! They take everything in the neighborhood: bikes, toys, shrubbery.
Rita Glossner: Don't you talk about my kids. Them's good boys. [to her youngest son] Where you been at?!
Diaper Glossner: None of your damn business. [burps]
Rita Glossner: You expect me to believe that you're dumb enough to bring back a hose that you didn't even take in the first place?
Frankie: Fine. You know what? I tried to be nice, but I'm done. I'm taking it home. It's my hose now.
Rita Glossner: Oh, so you're gonna steal it a second time?
Frankie: You said you didn't want it!
Rita Glossner: It's on my property!
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: I went over to the Glossners'.
Mike: Frankie, I told you that was a bad idea. She didn't hit you, did she?
Frankie: No, the hose did.
Mike: What, she found the hose?
Frankie: Not exactly. [sighs] Look, I know you didn't love the idea, but I bought her a new hose and went over there to leave it. But Rita caught me, and she called me a thief, which, I mean, come on. So we got in a fight, and the hose chipped my tooth. Listen, I don't want to hear a bunch of "I told you sos."
Mike: How many do I get? Give me a number.
Frankie: Look, I did the honorable thing and snuck over there in the middle of the night.
Mike: Could you cover your mouth while you talk?
Frankie: It's that noticeable?
Mike: You're actually starting to look like you're in our income bracket.
Frankie: [sighs] It's that bad, huh? Ah, I'd better call the dentist and see if he can squeeze me in before Ehlert realizes I'm still on his insurance.