Axl: Hey, Professor Kepley. Axl Heck. I'm in your America and the Cold War class? You probably don't recognize me 'cause I sat way in the back, but I was always there.
Professor Kepley: Okay. Pig in a blanket?
Axl: No, thanks. Listen. Here's the thing. I was supposed to take your final this morning, but, uh, I hit a bit of a snag. You see, I can't really go into details here, but my dad is actually an astronaut with the International Space Station, and, uh, NASA lost contact with him this morning.
Professor Kepley: Ah.
Axl: They're still trying to decide whether it was a technical error or our enemies in space. And I can't really say any more for security reasons, but you're in luck, 'cause I could take the test now, and...
Professor Kepley: Stop. I've been a professor for 29 years, and I've heard every excuse. All of you millennials coming into my office thinking you can get a pass by making up some lame excuse. Just once, it would be so refreshing if someone were to come in here and tell me the truth.
Axl: Okay. You're right. You're right. I'm gonna be honest with you. I accidentally wrote down the wrong time. And I am so sorry.
Professor Kepley: Thank you.
Axl: So, can I take the test now?
Professor Kepley: No.

Sue: Brad! Brad! [laughing] You're not gonna believe this.
Brad: Beyoncé released another secret album?
Sue: No. But we should check. Orson High e-mailed me. They want me to come back and speak.
Brad: What? Seriously?
Sue: Check it out. "Dear alumni from 2010 to 2016. We'd like to invite any of you to come back and speak to the members of the class of 2017 to give your thoughts and reflections on your time at Orson High and beyond. Please contact the front desk to arrange a time. Signed, The Counseling Office."
Brad: Oh, my God. What an honor.
Sue: I know.
Brad: You should do it. You'd be so perfect. No one loved Orson High like you did. You'd have so many great things to say. And I bet it'd break you out of your Sue Sue So-So Sophomore Slump.
Sue: Exactly. Time for me to leave the pity party. I have a purpose. It's giving back to my alma mater.
Brad: Wow, Sue. You're gonna help shape young lives. What do you think you're gonna tell them?
Sue: Label every year.

Frankie: Guys, guys, guys.
Mike: I still have dibs on the TV. I'm only in here for a minute.
Frankie: No, no, look. That bruise I've had for years is gone.
Brick: [screams] Mom!
Frankie: I-I-I checked the other hip, to make sure I wasn't confused, and I still had that one weird spider vein that looks like Lester Holt, but the bruise is gone. If that's not magical Donahue healing, I don't know what is.
Mike: Sure about that, Frankie? We just got something from the IRS.
Frankie: [gasps] Oh, boy. [Mike winces] How bad is it?
Mike: We over-payed in 2009. It's a refund check!
Frankie: Are you serious? Make sure that's our name on it.
Mike: Michael and Frankie Heck. [Frankie gasps] Oh, yeah! [all dance]

Frankie: [v.o.] Sue couldn't wait to go back to high school and impart her wisdom. And since she was the only one to reply to the e-mail, she didn't have to.
Sue: Hello. My name is Sue Heck. [chuckles] Class of 2015. I am a sophomore at East Indiana State majoring in hospitality and hotel management with a minor in theater. Mm-hmm. And I just wanted to say thank you so much for inviting me back to good old Orson High! Go Hens! [silence] Okay. So, um, let me just start by saying I know how tough high school can be. You know, you walk into the lunchroom with your tray, and your best friend Carly's sick, and you're like, "Ah, who am I gonna sit with today?"
Female Student #1: What do you mean? We all just sit together.
Sue: Oh. Oh, okay. That's good. Well, that makes it easy for you. Because I know socializing in high school can be so hard. But let me just tell you, it gets a lot easier in college. I mean, you guys are young now, so there aren't a lot of parties, but when you get to college...
Male Student #1: Um, but we go to parties all the time.
Male Student #2: Yeah, pretty much every weekend.
Sue: Oh. [scoffs] Okay. Well, I guess things have changed since back in my day. But, you know, it doesn't matter that I didn't go to parties in high school, because my world really opened up in college.

Sue: I mean, when I went here, I had, like, 50 Instagram followers. But now I have almost 150. [chuckles] Pretty cool, huh?
Female Student #2: Actually, I have 2,000.
Sue: 2,000 followers? [she nods] Oh, you like a cheerleader or something?
Female Student #2: No, I'm in cross country.
Sue: Cross... Uh, anyway, there are so many activities you can do. Uh, I actually started my own group... the Wrestlerettes.
Male Student #2: Is that like a comedy improv team?
Sue: No. I mean, people did laugh at us, but [laughs nervously] no. Um, the point is, yeah, there were some trying times, but I have so many great memories of Orson High, like I will never forget walking down West Hall... [students laugh] What?
Female Student #2: No offense, but nobody really walks down West Hall unless they're kind of a nerd.
Sue: But I walked down West Hall all the time...

Frankie: Okay, Mike, what do you want me to make you for dinner? I can microwave you anything you want. Mac and cheese, frozen burrito, Lean Cuisine.
Mike: Mm, I don't know. I guess I'll have a hot dog.
Frankie: Oh, come on, that's like 30 seconds. Let me microwave something that takes longer.
Brick: Great news. There's a radon gas leak in school. Will our luck never cease? [dances]
Mike: How's a toxic gas leak a good thing?
Brick: 'cause they cancelled school for tomorrow, and it was rope-climbing day in gym. Sorry, humiliation, you've been postponed to a later date.

Brad: I hurried when I got your text. What's wrong? You were so excited about talking at school.
Sue: Brad, I found out something shocking. I was a nerd in high school.
Brad: What? But you were friends with me.
Sue: News flash... You were a nerd, too.
Brad: How is that possible? I was in color guard. I was vice president of Magicians Club. I played Sky Masterson in Guys and Dolls.
Sue: Apparently, those things weren't as cool as we thought.
Brad: [sighs] Okay. Well, maybe that was true in high school, but this is college. We're very different people now. We're in no-cut a cappella. You're a Dragonette.
Sue: There was only one person who didn't make Dragonettes, and that's 'cause she was a Nazi sympathizer. I can't believe it. All this time, I had no idea. I mean, I knew I wasn't the most popular person in school. And that was fine. But I didn't realize I was a nerd.

Brad: Sue, I'd like to tell you a little story about two other nerds I know... Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.
Sue: What? [piano music plays]
Brad: [sings] Can't you picture Ryan Gosling as a freshman Sitting at the lunchroom table all alone? And far across the country With her head gear and her braids Was an also somewhat awkward Emma Stone Do you think they let the populars define them?
Sue: Well...
Brad: Do you think they let the cool kids give 'em guff?
Sue: I don't know.
Brad: Did they hide their sweet crossbite-corrected smiles When they felt down? Bet they sang a song like this when times got rough If you're bummed when you look into the mirror You just shout into the glass with no regrets Who's that junior peer leadership advisor? She's the person who invented Wrestlerettes.
Sue: [sings] So you know every sonnet from The Tempest And you wear your heart upon your puffy sleeve Don't let others' slings and arrows Put a damper on your day Throw your hands up high And shout out, "I believe"
Brad: I believe! What's this obsession with labels?
Sue: Labels are nothing to fear
Brad: Tell those Tom, Dick, and Harry, and Mabels
Sue: The only thing that really should be labeled Is a year
Brad: And if you don't believe me If you don't think it's true Here's a list of some great march-to-their-own-drummers Just like you
Dancer #1: Albert Einstein, Tina Fey
Dancer #2:Neil deGrasse Tyson... Hip-hooray
Dancer #3: Zuckerberg... Yeah, now you're talking.
Dancer #4: Give it up for Stephen Hawking
Dancer #5: Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and Yanni
Brad: George Takei, Kumail Nanjiani
Both: All those hobbits, all those rings
All: Don't forget the kids from Stranger Things Ah-ah-ah-aah And just think, next September when we're juniors Think of all the great things we can do
Sue: Perhaps I'll take up cello
Brick: Perhaps I'll meet a fellow
All: And we'll tell ourselves whenever we're blue Put that frown upon the shelf And celebrate yourself And the march-to-their-own-drummers Who are just like... Sue!

Axl: What? So you won't accept B.S. or honesty? I mean, is there a third option I'm missing here?
Professor Kepley: Yes, you can take the class again in the fall.
Axl: No. I can't graduate if I get a zero on the final. [chuckles] I've never said this before in my life... Please let me take that test.
Professor Kepley: You see what's going on here? The music, the drink in my hand, the relaxed vibe... All of this is to convey an atmosphere of a man who is done... done. The test was at 9:00. The students who were prepared showed up at that time. And now the test is done, and so am I. See ya.
Hutch: Axl. Any news from your dad, the famous astronaut?
Axl: Thanks, buddy. Mission aborted.

Brad: Whoo-hoo! I'm done!
Sue: Hey.
Brad: Didn't you hear me? I said, "Whoo." And I said, "Hoo." Did you take your last final?
Sue: Yeah. Think I aced it.
Brad: Well, then, why aren't you rejoicing? This isn't the Sue I know. The Sue I know would be singing "Celebration" into a hair brush right now. Why such a sad panda?