Frankie: So that's why you kept asking about a slumber party, and your favorite dinner. Why didn't you just say it was for your birthday?
Sue: I didn't think I had to. I thought mothers just automatically remember the day their children are born.
Frankie: I'm sorry. There's no excuse. But I had a lot on my plate...
Sue: All you were doing all week was writing birthday cards. You remembered a station wagon's birthday but not mine?

Sue: Oh, my God. We're going to Chicago for my birthday?
Frankie: We sure are. And for Brick's spelling bee.
Sue: Oh! Can we go to Water Tower Place and the Art Institute?
Frankie: We can drive by them on the way to the bee.
Sue: Oh, my God. Are you guys trying to pass off Brick's spelling bee as my birthday present?
Frankie: No. Sure we'll go to the bee while we're there, but your present is that you get to be in charge of the whole trip.
Sue: The whole trip? I'm listening.
Frankie: Every decision on the way will be yours. Where we eat, where we stay, it's all up to you, my sweet girl, because we love you and it's your birthday, and we feel very, very guilty.
Sue: [chuckles] I wanna stay mad, but this is better than a slumber party or chicken parmesan. Road trip!
Frankie: Road trip!
Frankie: [v.o.] Chicken parmesan. That's her favorite. Oh, I was way off.

Sue: Okay, now "This Land Is Your Land" in a round.
Axl: Ugh. Dad, think you could pick up speed so when I hurl myself out of the car, I actually kill myself instead of being injured?
Mike: Sure.

Brick: I'm hungry. [whispers] Hungry.
Mike: Brick's hungry. What snack did you pack?
Frankie: I've got pretzels, candy corn, cheese corn, kettle corn, Girl Scout cookies, and frosting for dipping. It's all in the blue bag.
[shot of the blue bag on the kitchen counter]
All: You forgot the blue bag?
Sue: It's okay. Look, Bicentennial Diner, 30 miles.
Mike: We're not stopping. I wanna get to the hotel early so Brick can get his rest. We can drive through somewhere.
Sue: But it said they had candle dipping. That would be an awesome postcard. And birthday girl does get to pick the activities.
Frankie: We did promise her. And, besides, the sign said their food is "revolutionary."

Axl: This is gross. I think I'm eating a potpie from 1776.
Frankie: Well, I love my Ye Olde Cobb Salad.
Sue: They don't have candle dipping. Or postcards. Now I'll have nothing to remember this place by.
Axl: Aw, cheer up, maybe you'll get hepatitis.

Sue: Oh, well. You guys are so gonna love the next place on the birthday trip. I read in the AAA TripTik, that Indiana is home to the world's largest oak-tree stump.
Brick: Cool.
Axl: Lame.
Sue: It's the eighth wonder of Muncie. I bet no one at home has a postcard from the world's largest stump.
Axl: Why do you think that is, Sue? Why?
Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We have to get to the motel, give Brick a bath, go over flashcards, and get him to bed. No way we're gonna do that if we drive out of our way to look at some stump.

Sue: Uh... Well, see, it's not so bad. There's a TV. And the bathroom is... [screams] There's poop in the toilet. [all groan]
Axl: Gross.
Frankie: All right, we'll just flush it. It's not a big deal, my God. [toilet flushes] Mike, I need help. And towels!
Mike: Watch TV. [static]
Brick: The TV doesn't work.
Frankie: What did you say?
Brick: The TV doesn't work. See? It's just static. [Frankie sighs]
Axl: Well, thank you, Sue, for the worst vacation we've ever had. And I am including the Ozarks and the frog infestation. I mean, come on, people, you know we're all thinking it!
Mike: Hey, we could spend all night criticizing Sue's lousy decisions, but we need some sleep. So start sleeping now.

Mike: Happy birthday.
Sue: Huh? [yawns] Donut holes?
Mike: Had to drive 10 miles up the road to find them, but, yeah. I know they're your favorite.
Sue: Oh. Thanks, Dad.
Mike: I'm sorry if I was short with you last night. I know this hasn't been a great birthday, and I'm sorry for that too. How about when we get home, we throw you a nice big party?
Sue: Really? [nods] Wow.
Mike: We okay?
Sue: Mm-hm. We're okay. But, Dad?
Mike: Yeah, honey?
Sue: Donut holes are Brick's favorite. I like waffles.
Mike: [sighs] Really?
[Axl groans as he stretches and the fold-out cot unfolds]
Axl: I like donut holes.

Mike: Remember, don't start spelling the word unless you know it.
Brick: I wonder why I'm Number 11.
Mike: And ask for the definition even if you know the word.
Brick: Hey, when I look down, my number looks the same to me as it does to you.
Mike: Brick, forget about the sign. You should be focusing on letters right now, not numbers. Now, over there, that's your main competition, Sanjit Bawa.
Brick: Hey. [waves]
Mike: Hey, don't befriend your enemy. He's nothing to you. You're gonna take him down. Got it?
Brick: Okay. When are we heading home? Can we eat at Der Pancake Haus on the way? Sue said that they make the pancakes right at your table.

Judge: The next word is "chiaroscurist."
Sue: Oh, my God.
Mike: No, he knows this one.
Frankie: What?
Mike: He studied this one. He knows it. Yeah. He knows it. He knows it.
Frankie: [v.o.] And in that moment, it all melted away... All the stress and the sore backs and the complaining and the fighting. We were there for one reason and one reason alone: to cheer our littlest member to his hard-won victory. Our victory.
Brick: "Chiaroscurist." C-H-I-A-R-O-S-C-U-R-I-S-T. [whispers] T. [bell rings]
Judge: Oh, I'm sorry. There's only one T.
Frankie: No, no, no.
Mike: He knows there's only one T. It's just that he has quirks.
Frankie: He studied that word.
[As Frankie, Mike, Sue and Axl bicker with the judges, Brick knocks over the microphone and storms off stage]