Frankie: Besides, Thanksgiving's not a big deal this year. I got it covered. Your dad and Rusty are not gonna be here. Aunt Edie's in Branson. There's no Marines to offend. It's just the five of us and my parents. Oh, by the way, you got to go pick up my parents.
Mike: What?
Frankie: My mom's got that foot thing again, and my dad has decided he's no longer fit to drive. [off Mike's look] Well, he isn't.
Mike: Well, I know, but give it a shot. She'll steer. He'll step on the gas. Let's be creative about this. They're only going 10 miles an hour, anyway.
Frankie: Mike.
Mike: What? He can't just decide this. He's supposed to have a couple wrecks. You know, back into a supermarket, and then we have a family meeting, and we take his keys. That's how it's done.

Frankie: Mr. Ehlert?
Mr. Ehlert: What now? Tampon machine empty?
Frankie: No. Actually, sir, I was wondering if I could possibly, in any way, have Thanksgiving off to spend with my family.
Mr. Ehlert: Okay. We're gonna play a little game called I Be You, You Be Me. "Mr. Ehlert, I know I'm the newest employee with the worst sales record. And even though I whine about equality for women in the workplace, can I have Thanksgiving off so I can hug my family all day long even though two minutes ago you said I had to work?"
Frankie: Yes?
Mr. Ehlert: Okay, I'm me again. No!
Frankie: Please. My family needs Thanksgiving and I'm the mom. I have to cook in the morning and we eat in the afternoon.
Mr. Ehlert: Fine. You can work the evening shift. And if you're still here, you can work all day Christmas.

Frankie: Well, at least we'll still have my aunts and your dad. You invited your dad, didn't you?
Mike: Yeah, of course. You asked me to. I'll do it.
Frankie: Oh, come on!
Mike: Just he makes it so damn hard. He's gonna say that he doesn't want to be a bother, and I'm gonna say, "You won't be," and he'll say, "Oh, I don't know," and I'm gonna wind up begging him to please, please, please come to Thanksgiving. It happens every year.
Frankie: I want family in this house, Mike. Otherwise it's not Thanksgiving. It's just overeating.

Sue: Wait a minute. What's going on? Are we not having Thanksgiving at home this year?
Frankie: Sue, take a look around this place.
Sue: But we have to stay home. Thanksgiving's not Thanksgiving without Frugal Hoosier canned corn, Safeway boxed stuffing, and CVS pumpkin pie.

Brick: Hm. So, Dad, looks like it's just you and me at home. Maybe we can do something together.
Mike: Well, I'm gonna be watching football all day, but, uh, you're welcome to do something right over there.

Frankie: [v.o.] Thanksgiving: the early settlers discovering America, the pilgrims and Indians coming together, a celebration of the American spirit. Or it used to be. Now it's just a pit stop on the racetrack to Christmas.
Frankie: There she is. Ready for some midnight madness?
Sue: So ready. Not to give anything away, but since I have a job now and some potato money to burn, some people are gonna be getting some pretty great presents this year.
Mike: Hmm.
Axl: Let me help you with that, Mom.
Mike: You really want to go shopping the night before Thanksgiving?
Frankie: No choice, Mike. The Pioneer Galaxy Mall has moved Black Friday up to Wednesday. Tonight, everything is 60% off. We wait till Friday, it's only 30% off. I keep talking to you, it's gonna cost me another 10%.

Frankie: [v.o.] Thanksgiving. What do the Hecks and the Pilgrims have in common? No indoor plumbing.
Mike: How many times do I have to tell you? Coffeepot is stream. Ice tray is mist.
Frankie: Mm. Okay, listen, Mike. I was thinking. You know how we always say only losers and sad, pathetic people go out to dinner for Thanksgiving?
Mike: So are you saying we're going out this year?
Frankie: No. Well, yes, but not 'cause we're losers. 'Cause we have a floor sink and a tiny table.
Mike: Don't exactly sound like winners.
Frankie: Okay, just... just follow me here. I saw an ad in the paper that King Henry's Feast is doing a Thanksgiving buffet, and it's only $7.99 a person. They're doing all the Thanksgiving staples, plus their full complement of international cuisine. And as an added bonus, we don't have to do the dishes in the bathtub.
Mike: You don't have to convince me to leave this house. Long as I get some turkey, I'm fine.

Frankie: So, Mom... What's the plan? When are you gonna start cooking tomorrow? Mike's been dreaming about your famous sweet potatoes.
Pat: Oh, don't worry, Mike. You're gonna get your sweet potatoes. This year, I prepared everything ahead of time and I froze it. Made these babies in July. After all, Thanksgiving is about the family, not the food.
Mike: It's a little about the food.

Brick: Hi, Cindy. I like your dress.
Cindy: It has turkeys on it. [car drives off]
Mike: What kind of parents just dump their 12-year-old on Thanksgiving and take off?
Frankie: You're just mad you didn't think of it first.

Frankie: Whoo! There's a reason they didn't have taquitos at the first Thanksgiving. If I can just rally a burp here, I might be able to squeeze in a piece of zebra cake.