Brick: This book is life-changing. Mom dropped me at the library to find the perfect holiday read, and out of nowhere, it just appeared to me. "The real true behind-the-scenes story of the making of Erich Segal's 1970's classic, Love Story."
Mike: Really? All the books they got in the library, and that's the one you picked?
Brick: Have you read it? It's fascinating. How did I go so long without finding this? It's a Thanksgiving gift, I tell you. A gift.
Mike: You know, the only thing that would have made that better is if strangers were here to see it.

Frankie: [v.o.] So Mike finally went to ask his dad to Thanksgiving. Which sounds easier than it is, because Big Mike's kind of a hoarder who doesn't like to leave his house. Maybe because he's got too much pride to accept an invitation. Or maybe because there's too much crap blocking the door.
Mike: [knocks] I know you're home, Dad. Montgomery Ward went out of business 10 years ago.
Big Mike: That's good to know. [replaces the "Gone to Montgomery Ward. Back in 5." Post-It on his door with one reading "Gone to Circuit City. Back in 5 min."]
Mike: So Thanksgiving is coming up.
Big Mike: Is it, now? Oh, well, the calendar says it's today.
Mike: Yeah. Well, the calendar is 4 years old, Dad.

Mike: Anyway, Frankie is putting together a nice dinner. You should come.
Big Mike: I don't wanna be a bother.
Mike: You're not a bother, Dad.
Big Mike: Don't go making turkey on my account.
Mike: We're making it, anyway. All of America is.
Big Mike: Well, if I come, you'll just have to get another chair out of the garage. All that hassle.
Mike: Okay, Dad. We're eating at 4. Come if you want, don't if you don't.
Big Mike: That's not much of an invite, is it?

Mike: When was I supposed to know this? I only found out 'cause I went by the house to invite you to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, no. You don't want an old man with a broken hip at your Thanksgiving.
Mike: That's true, but my wife does. Please, Dad. Please, please, please come to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
Mike: It's not a choice, Dad. The nurses say you gotta be discharged tomorrow, and they can't let you go home alone. Don't worry. We got TV and crummy food at our house, too.
Big Mike: You don't exactly roll out the red carpet, do you?

Mike: Why the hell would you agree to do Thanksgiving at 8:00 in the morning?
Sue: Yeah, Mom. Why?
Frankie: Why? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm the Boy Mom. That's why. I am fighting for scraps here. I got no cards, no chips. I take what I can get. And what I can get is fourth place behind April's parents, her great aunt, and Grandma Tee-Tee. So if April says that Thanksgiving dinner's gonna be at 8:00 a.m., I say, "Thank you, ma'am. I'll see you then!" And that's the way it's gonna be from now on.
Sue: What does that mean?
Frankie: It means that if they get married, do you think I'm gonna have any say in what color I wear at the wedding? If she says yellow, I'm wearing yellow. And when they have a baby, her mom gets first pick at the cute grandma names, like "Meemaw" and "Glamama."
Mike: You're getting a little ahead of yourself.
Frankie: Am I? When Betty Horrigan's son was getting married, she told her daughter-in-law she didn't like the calligraphy on the wedding invitations. That was 10 years ago. Now Betty has to hide in the woods to watch her grandson play soccer.
Brick: I still think you caved too early.
Frankie: Oh, do you think that, Brick? Well, I'll tell you what I think. I think this is April's world and we're just living in it! She's the gatekeeper now.

Frankie: All right, well, if nobody cares, how about we float Thanksgiving to December? Wait. That's too close to Christmas. Let's see. How about... January?
Sue: Can't. Our a cappella group is doing this big month-long tribute to the '80s... Duran Duran-uary. [laughs]
Brick: February's out. Cindy's got something big planned for Valentine's Day. What's a couples retreat?
Frankie: Okay, how about March?
Mike & Axl: March Madness!
Frankie: Okay, who's free in May?
Axl: Yeah, nothing good happens in May.
Sue: Well, except Mother's Day.
Frankie: Like he said, nothing good happens in May.

Mr. Ehlert: All right, team, bring it in. Take a knee. Sales are at an all-time low. That is why I'm switching to a 365-day schedule. Like that diner out on Route 7. They do very well.
Frankie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that we're working on Thanksgiving? [scoffs] Mr. Ehlert, that is just wrong.
Mr. Ehlert: Well, so is taking the country away from a bunch of Indians, but aren't you glad we did?

Sue: That wasn't all! You guys didn't see the whole thing. Mom kept throwing me things, and she kept saying, "Put it in the cart! Put it in the cart! Put it in the cart!" And everyone went nuts and started grabbing things. I had to fling myself on the cart to stop them. So, I hope you enjoy your iTouch, Brick.
Frankie: Fine. You guys judge me with your judge-y little eyes. Go ahead. Everybody wants great Christmas presents for low, low prices, but nobody wants to know how it gets done. Nobody wants to get their hands dirty. Well, I did it. I did what I had to do. That's what it takes to pull off Christmas with no money. And it's not pretty.
Axl: I had to drop three classes.

Sue: Axl! Did you hear this? Mom and Dad say we're having Thanksgiving at a restaurant.
Axl: Oh. So Mom's not cooking? At last... something to be truly thankful for.

Frankie: Well, I was hoping you'd have a different reaction, 'cause I already signed us up.
Mike: [scoffs] What? Why'd you even ask?
Frankie: Because I had to act quick. I was afraid they were gonna run out of Marines. There aren't that many of them, you know. It's right there in the motto "The few, the proud." I gotta say, I thought you'd be more patriotic about this.
Mike: I am being patriotic. These people fight for our country. Haven't they been through enough?