Pat: We would have been here two hours ago! But Vasco de Gama here decided to take one of his legendary shortcuts. He got so lost, we never got to stop at Costco!
Tag: What, so you couldn't get your giant pop and hot dog? Do you know how many carbs are in one of them buns?
Pat: You lose 4 pounds, and suddenly you're Jack LaLanne!
Both: Happy Thanksgiving!

Sue: I've checked everywhere, and it's nowhere. Not the dry cleaners, not the pizza place, not the bleachers where I watch the guy mow the lawn. The school trusted me with its mascot, and I have let everyone down. This is a disaster! I'm literally a chicken with its head cut off.

Frankie: Ugh! I just want everything to look right for the Marines. If I use this picture to cover the wallpaper scar, does that look okay?
Pat: I'd lower it, like, 2 inches.
Tag: Yeah, listen to her. She's the expert on everything. I married Mrs. Right. I just didn't know her first name was "always."

Brick: Get this apparently, the scenes in Love Story with Oliver walking through a snowy New York were added after principal photography was completed. After!
Pat: Oh, I just adored Love Story. Hey, Brick, why don't I rent us a copy, and you and I can watch it together?
Brick: Why would we do that?
Tag: I'm with you, Brick. Love Story was a lousy movie.
Pat: What do you know? You slept through it like every movie we see. Then you woke up and said it didn't make sense.
Tag: I'll tell you what was a good picture. The Longest Day. You ever see that?
Pat: Don't need to. I'm living it.

Frankie: Jeez. What is wrong with my parents?
Mike: You're gonna have to be more specific.
Frankie: The bickering. It's nuts, right? I don't get it. I mean, it seems to be getting worse. It's worse, right?
Mike: Frankie, they've been together 50 years. Just be happy they're not starring in a Dateline unsolved mystery.

Frankie: [sighs] Well, I'm almost wondering if having the Marines here is a good idea at all.
Mike: Now you're wondering?
Frankie: You know what it is? They've been alone too long. Maybe we need to remind them why they love each other. Like, reboot their brains so they start being nice to each other again.
Tag: [o.s.] What'd you do with my goji berries?
Pat: [o.s.] Oh, yeah, I live to hide your goji berries!
Mike: Good luck with that.

Sue: Excuse me. Can we have a word with you gentlemen?
Player: Sure.
Brad: We would have talked to you earlier, but we didn't want to disrupt your rehearsal.
Sue: Practice.
Brad: Which one of you is captain of this company?
Sue: Team. He meant "team." Look, we know you stole our mascot head. So the joke is over. We want it back.
Player: Oh, no. You lost your head? I guess it's true what they say about how the body still runs around without its head. See you Friday night, losers.
Brad: That's it. There's only one way to settle this.
Sue: No! Brad!
Brad: Dance fight! Five, six, seven, eight...

Brick: In Mexico, it's known as Historia de Amor. In Finland, it's Rakkaustarina. I feel like you're not listening.
Frankie: That's because I'm not, Brick.

Brick: I'm thankful that the theme from Love Story hit number 39 on the US music charts.

Frankie: Axl?
Axl: Pass.
Frankie: Aunt Edie?
Aunt Edie: Merry Christmas!
Mike: I'm thankful that's over. Who wants some potatoes?