Mike: No, Axl left his medical stuff here. If he doesn't turn this in on time, he could lose his scholarship. All right, I'm gonna have to drive it up there. You're on your own for dinner.
Brick: I'm gonna have to have onion-soup mix and bread heels for dinner?
Mike: You didn't hear it from me, but there's a half a candy bar stuffed down inside your mom's church shoes.

Frankie: Look, you seem to think you're the only one who cares about anything.
Sue: Oy. Mom, you just don't get it. Your idea of caring about something is burning your bra.
Frankie: How old do you think I am? That was Grandma's generation. And she didn't burn her bra. She just switched to light support for a while. Look, I used to be your age. I understand righteous indignation, but eventually you get to be my age, and you realize you can't fix everything. And sometimes you just got to kick back, relax, and enjoy a movie with too many White people in it.

Frankie: Oh, please. Look, I know it's exciting to care about things when you're young, but trust me, one day, you're gonna be me. Yeah, I'm your Ghost of Christmas Future. Or do you hate Christmas now, too?
Sue: Oh, I love Christmas, but I hate the merchandising of it.
Frankie: Oh, that's original.
Sue: And I will never be like you. Jeremy and I are gonna change the world.
Frankie: If Jeremy wants to change the world, he should start by being less of a douche.
Sue: Oh, you just want me to be with some boring, un-deep Ken doll. Well, guess what. I will not be Barbie, barefoot and pregnant in her Malibu prison.
Frankie: It wasn't a prison. It was a dream house. It's in the name. And the only reason she was barefoot is 'cause you couldn't keep her damn shoes on.
Sue: Ugh!

Brick: [paper rips] I gave this graph paper nine stars for quality? Oh, no. The whole world is gonna see that review. I'm gonna be a laughingstock. [to Doris] How am I supposed to fix this? Should I rewrite the whole review? Aw, but that's so much work. They said it was only gonna take 15 minutes. It took over three hours. [sighs] I'm going back in.

Axl: Oh, my God. I've been trying to tell you. You know, it doesn't take Freud to realize I've been crying out for help. Why else would I keep coming home for no reason? Why else would I forget the forms? I'm acting totally irresponsible and immature. I'm not myself at all.
Mike: Are you kidding me? What is so hard about playing football? Is it the cheerleaders hanging all over you? All the special attention? Or is it the fact that it pays for your college?
Axl: I have one year left at school. I don't want to waste it on something that's not going anywhere. I want to focus more on my classes or maybe get an internship or just have fun. I want to hang out with my friends.
Mike: Oh, okay, then why don't you go for the "hang out with my friends" scholarship?
Axl: I happen to know there is no such scholarship. Your sarcasm is very hurtful. I'm quitting, and we're done talking about it.
Mike: We're done when I say I'm done.
Axl: Stranger danger! This is not my dad.
Mike: What is wrong with you?
Axl: What is wrong with you?!
Mike: Get back out here! Axl! Don't you drive this house away from me!

Frankie: [v.o.] So, Brick set out to update his review of the Emerson Wales graph paper... repeatedly. He reviewed the density. He reviewed the line-to-space ratio. He reviewed the taste. The trouble was, as soon as he fixed one problem, he discovered another one and had to start all over again. After 23 updates, he'd had enough.
Carol: [on phone] Hello. This is Carol with customer service. How can I help you?
Brick: Hi, Carol. I'm one of your reviewers, and, sadly, I need to step down from my post.
Carol: Um... I'm sorry?
Brick: Everything was fine until I noticed that when I held the paper between my thumb and my index finger of both hands and I pulled in opposite directions, the paper would come apart.
Carol: You mean... it ripped?
Brick: Yes! I was speechless, too. Anyway, it was truly an honor to be chosen, and it's with a heavy heart that I must tender my resignation. Do you need it in writing?
Carol: Uh, no. This is fine. Um, is there anything else I can help you with today?
Brick: Not unless you can get the last 12 hours of my life back. [awkward silence] I'm kidding, Carol. I know it's not your fault.

Nancy: Knock, knock! Hello? Hi, Brick. Your folks called. They had a bit to drink in a bar. Totally okay. Lots of grown-ups do that. Well, I don't, but others do. So they're gonna stay in Gumford, and you're gonna sleep at my house tonight. I'm not telling you this 'cause I'm judging them. I'm telling you because it's a teachable moment.
Brick: Hm. As long as you have food, I really don't care.

Frankie: I used to worry about how clingy she was. She would never let me leave the room when I used to say good night to her. I would say, "I love you," and she'd say, "I love you to the moon and back," and I'd say, "Ditto," and she'd say, "I love you to the moon and back and back to the moon," and I'd say, "Back at ya," and she'd say, "I love you to the moon and back and back to the moon,"... [sobs] and now she's not even coming home for summer. She's going to Dollywood.

Mike: Thanks for driving us back.
Axl: Beauty of living in a car.
Mike: Mm-hmm. Look, you're 22 years old. If you want to quit football and think you can swing it, that's your decision.
Axl: Yeah, I can't swing it. [sighs] You were right. I'm a moron. I did the math, and if I don't take that scholarship, I'll be paying off loans for the next 10 years. Might be more, 'cause I don't really trust my math.
Mike: Well, you came to it on your own, and that says a lot.
Axl: Hey, if I got anything from watching you, it's that life is not fun, and it's pretty much a relentless string of disappointments.
Mike: Sounds like I taught you well.

Axl: Not a social visit. Down to no underwear, even with the both-sides trick.
Frankie: Ugh, gonna vomit.