["Jammin'" plays as Brick drives the Winnebago with Axl in the passenger seat]
Axl & Brick: [sing] We're drivin' I want to drive it with you We're drivin' Drivin'
Axl: [sings] And you're gonna take a right up here

Brick: [sighs] I can't sleep. Every time I shut my eyes, I see that cow.
Axl: Oh, now you see it.
Brick: Hey, this is your fault. You're the one that kept telling me to go straight.
Axl: [sighs] Yeah, you're right. It is my fault. I didn't think I had to tell you to stop when you got to the giant polyurethane cow.
Brick: Neither of us is innocent here, Axl. There's cow on both our hands. [sighs] I can't go on like this. I think we have to just come clean and turn ourselves in.
Axl: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, when we have a nerd emergency, like where to put a bookmark, we'll be taking your advice. But everything else, we'll listen to me. Okay, pranks like this happen all the time. We just got to lay low, and eventually, it'll all blow over.

Bill: That cow's been there for 70 years, Frankie. 70 years. Never seen anything like it. I'm telling you... Orson is under attack.
Axl: Wait. What?
Frankie: Oh, my God. Didn't you hear? Somebody targeted the Orson cow, knocked it right off its pedestal. They found it just lying on the ground.
Axl: Wow.
Brick: Weird.
Bill: I'm telling you, it's the beginning of the end. You heard about the trouble they had in Jasper, right? Watch out 'cause Orson, yeah, it could be next.
Mike: Next for what?
Bill: Exactly, Mike. We don't know. I mean, this was clearly a coordinated operation planned and executed in the dark of night.
Mike: Who would want to attack Orson?
Bill: Just last week, I saw a guy with a dirty backpack hanging outside the Tastee-Freez, yeah.
Mike: Oh.
Bill: Now, could be just a guy walking across America for charity, or could be a bad element. We don't know.
Frankie: Well, the Orson Patch put their best reporter on it. Pulled him off the leaf-blower exposé to go full time on this. That's 15 hours a week.

Axl: I don't know. Cow tipping? Sounds to me like this whole thing is just a prank. An easily forgettable prank. Kids will be kids. Let's not encourage them by giving them press.
Frankie: I heard Nancy Donahue's organizing a community task force. Whoever those vandals are, they are in trouble now 'cause that woman gets stuff done.
Bill: Oh, she's on it all right. Operation Protect Our Orson is well under way. They're gonna bring these tippers to justice.
Frankie: You know, the sheriff was quoted in the Patch saying he wasn't gonna rest until somebody's head was on a spike.
Bill: All right, I'm gonna go to the hardware store to get some padlocks and an American flag. Can I get you guys one?
Mike: No, we're all set. I got to get to work.
Bill: Hey, uh... be careful out there.

Brick: I told you we got to turn ourselves in.
Axl: What? Why?
Brick: You heard them... they're putting people's on spikes.
Axl: I don't know. I think my head would look pretty good on a spike. Your head doesn't even look good on your body.

Frankie: Hey, Sue. You busy?
Sue: Just donating $10 to Protect Our Orson. Oh, and I e-mailed Reverend TimTom, and he's racing back from Waukesha. We need his songs now more than ever. Oh, and I'm thinking of adding criminal justice as one of my majors.

Brick: Oh, my God. They've I.D.'d the paint color of the vehicle now. Why would you park the 'Bago out front?
Axl: Duh, it's called hiding in plain sight. Don't do anything different to attract suspicion. G-Get your nose out of a book and watch some TV.
Brick: I'm telling you, they're gonna find out it was me. I mean, who else could it be? I'm the one who lost the town slogan contest. "Orson, the heartland's hidden gem." It goes right to motive.
Axl: Okay, I'll tell you what we're gonna do. No one's offered up a reward yet, so we're gonna be the kids who volunteer their hard-earned allowance to help catch the criminals, huh?
Brick: We can't afford that.
Axl: Oh, my God, Brick, how can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time? It doesn't matter. No one's gonna collect the reward 'cause we're the ones who did it.
Brick: I don't like this, Axl. I don't like it at all. We're getting in too deep on this thing. I think it's too risky.
Axl: Wait. I think I got it.
Brick: A plan?
Axl: No, the plot to "Captain America." A small bunny cop and a con-artist fox work together...

Sue: Okay, people, I have been thinking about everything you've said, and I know what I want my major to be. [clears throat] I think it's a good decision. I am going to major in... hospitality and hotel management.
Mike: Is that a real thing? Is that something people can do?
Sue: Yeah, I just found it. I was researching other majors, and it turns out the school is known for this program. Listen to this. 92% of graduates find employment within six months, and there's tons of benefits. I mean, I had never really heard of this as a major before, but it makes complete sense for me. It's people-driven, so I could use my Dollywood experience. If I'm working abroad... [speaks German] And if it's a pet-friendly hotel, I'll get to be around animals. Plus, think of all the binders I would have. You know how I feel about binders.
Frankie: Oh, Sue, hotels... that's awesome.
Sue: Yeah. Dad, what do you think?
Mike: I think we got a winner.
Sue: [squeals] Okay! Okay. My major is... [computer chimes] ...declared.

Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] You know, the same God made both cow and man From similar but utterly different plans But cows don't turn on each other when one says boo They share the field and make methane while they moo We can learn a lot from our bovine friends Our spots might be different, but our future depends On herding together and getting along That's what makes us Orson strong [cheers and applause] That's right. Orson strong.

Reverend TimTom: I've actually got a great song for just such an occasion... about two little scamps called Cain and Abel. [plays guitar and sings] Oh, Cain and Abel
Nancy: Not now. Sheriff?
Sheriff Dugan: Well, I don't know. If says that Donald did what he's accused of, then a reward might...
Axl: I'm telling you I know he didn't do it.
Nancy: How do you know that? [Axl whispers in Nancy's ear] [gasps] Okay, in light of new information, we're gonna wrap this up. Thanks for coming, everyone. Play us out. Play us out.
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] Cain and Abel fought terribly
Sue: What's going on?
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] In fact, they needed anger-management therapy 'Cause when Abel said, "Just you wait till God gets home" Cain hit him in the head with a great big stone Not cool They should've just talked it out Brothers and sisters, just talking it out