Rita Glossner: What do you think you're doing?
Frankie: This is the Donahues' ball.
Rita Glossner: Hey, stop that.
Frankie: And these are the Webers'.
Rita Glossner: Hey.
Frankie: Come and get your balls, Jimmy.
Rita Glossner: Where's that damn dog when you need him? Razorblade! Come on out here, boy. We got trespassers.

Rita Glossner: Say hey to my grandbaby, Vernon James Glossner. He was born three days ago, and I just had to find a way to come and see him.
Rodney Glossner: Mrs. Heck, thanks for bringing Mom all the way down here.
Frankie: It's my pleasure. And look at you, Rodney, all grown up.
Rodney Glossner: Yeah, I know I caused a lot of trouble when I was a kid, but I got my life together now, with my fiancée and... and Little Vern. Even got a job waiting for me at the Lumber Liquidators, just as soon as I get this off.
Frankie: Oh. Well, congratulations.
Rita Glossner: Hey, Frankie, open up that bag there, and be gentle.
Frankie: Oh. "Baby's First Christmas" ornament.
Rita Glossner: It's got a little boy angel on it. Just like I got right here. I ordered it special to get it "person-ized". They don't make any with "Vernon" already on 'em.

Rita Glossner: Yeah?
Mike: Uh... Hi. I'm, uh, Mike Heck from down the street. I wanna talk to you about your boys.
Rita Glossner: What about them?
Mike: Do you wanna maybe put something on? I can wait. It's a little bit chilly.
Rita Glossner: That's okay, I run hot. Look, my boys are good boys.
Mike: Really? Well, your sons challenged my daughter to a fight and then they stole her boom box.
Rita Glossner: Why would there be a boom box if they was fighting?
Mike: I guess there was some choreography... And, you know what, that's not the point. The point is, my daughter simply asked them to control their dog, and then...
Rita Glossner: Or maybe your girl's got a crush on my Rodney. And when he told her he didn't like her back, she decided to get revenge. Happens to us all the time. We're charismatic. [downs beer] [throws can] [belches]
Mike: No, she doesn't like your son.
Rita Glossner: Eyes up here, buddy.
Mike: What?
Rita Glossner: Don't see you buying me a drink. Eyes up here.
Mike: My eyes are up here.

Rita Glossner: I see what's going on. That tiny wife of yours freezing you out? Thought you'd come and sniff around because you heard Bill left.
Mike: What? No, I just want my boom box and I want you to control your dog.
Rita Glossner: It's not my dog. It's Bill's dog. You got a problem with the dog, you got to take it up with him.
Mike: Fine, then. Where's Bill?
Rita Glossner: Beats me. We had a fight. I stabbed him in the ass with a fork. I haven't seen him since. Eyes up here.
Rodney Glossner: Mom, I'm going out.
Rita Glossner: What are you telling me for?
Mike: Rodney, I wanna talk to you. Hey, wait a minute.
Rita Glossner: You get away from my boy.
[As Mike points to Rodney, his coat button gets caught on Rita's bra strap]
Mike: I'm caught. Oh, my God, I am so sorry. Really, that was an accident. You gonna put that away?

Frankie: Hi. Hi, Rita. I just wanted to stop by and, um... Well, if you look in here, I think you might find a few items you'd like.
[After Rita takes the grocery bag and closes the door, Frankie knocks again. Rita opens the door.]
Frankie: There is no need to thank me for the food. Just being neighborly because that's what neighbors do. Help each other.
Rita Glossner: Okay.
[After Rita closes the door, Frankie knocks again. Rita opens the door]
Frankie: You're probably a little embarrassed, but don't be. I'm just reaching out here, trying to get to know you, you know? And, please, what I did certainly doesn't require a thank-you.
Rita Glossner: Good.
[After Rita closes the door, Frankie knocks again. Rita opens the door]
Rita Glossner: What?
Frankie: Actually, it does require a thank-you. I don't have a lot of money. And I bought you all those groceries...
Rita Glossner: Now look, if you wanna go around giving people food so you can feel high and mighty about yourself, fine. Don't expect me to kiss your behind.

Frankie: [v.o.] I know, I know. Not my best moment. Mike's usually pretty smart about things. But if you ask me, $13.99 is a small price to pay for peace. Like the Peyton Manning football I gave him that wasn't really signed by Peyton Manning, he just doesn't need to know. [Rita Glossner sneaks up on Frankie] Wow. For someone with such big feet, she sure is quiet.
Rita Glossner: What are you doing in my yard?
Frankie: Oh, I, uh, was, uh, walking at night, you know, like I always do. You've probably seen me. And I noticed that, uh, oh, your hose is here after all. Isn't that funny? [laughs]
Rita Glossner: That's not my hose.
Frankie: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty sure it is. It looks like it. Squirts water.
Rita Glossner: Mine's orange.
Frankie: Really? Huh. Who would have guessed? That's such a rare color. Well, a hose is a hose. Here, go ahead. Take it.
Rita Glossner: I don't want that crappy hose.
Frankie: Well, yeah, this is even better. I mean, your hose was old and beaten up, and look, this is all shiny and brand-new.
Rita Glossner: You sure do know a lot about my hose for someone who didn't take it. Hose thief!

Frankie: Okay, that's it. I am a good neighbor. I don't steal. My family doesn't steal. Your family's the one who steals!
Rita Glossner: I don't like what you're implying.
Frankie: I'm not implying anything. It's a fact. Your kids are a bunch of hooligans! They take everything in the neighborhood: bikes, toys, shrubbery.
Rita Glossner: Don't you talk about my kids. Them's good boys. [to her youngest son] Where you been at?!
Diaper Glossner: None of your damn business. [burps]
Rita Glossner: You expect me to believe that you're dumb enough to bring back a hose that you didn't even take in the first place?
Frankie: Fine. You know what? I tried to be nice, but I'm done. I'm taking it home. It's my hose now.
Rita Glossner: Oh, so you're gonna steal it a second time?
Frankie: You said you didn't want it!
Rita Glossner: It's on my property!

Rita Glossner: Somebody put it back on my lawn.
Frankie: The orange one? Oh. Well... huh. Wow. That's great that you got it back.
Rita Glossner: When us Glossners make a mistake, we admit it. That's why so many of us is in jail. We've got integrity.
Frankie: Oh, yeah. That's- That is honorable. I appreciate it.
Rita Glossner: So I want you all to come over Sunday for a pool party.
Frankie: That's not necessary.
Rita Glossner: I don't want to owe you nothing. You're coming.
Frankie: Okay. Great. [chuckles] See you then.

Frankie: Ooh, trick-or-treaters already. [opens door] Oh, Rita. [chuckles] Hey, everybody, it's Rita Glossner. Hi, Rita.
Rita Glossner: You seen my boy?
Frankie: Which one?
Rita Glossner: What are you saying?
Frankie: Just that you have more than one boy.
Rita Glossner: Yeah, I know that. I don't need you judging me.

Rita Glossner: Last I see him, he was digging around in your yard. You got to stop planting things he wants.
Frankie: Like our mailbox? [laughs] [clears throat] So, where was the last place you saw the little guy?
Rita Glossner: Why you asking so many questions?
Frankie: I'm just trying to help.
Rita Glossner: I don't need your handouts.
Frankie: Okay. I think I'll go back inside now. [goes to close the door]
Rita Glossner: Yeah. You do that. You just keep looking down at the rest of us from your ivory tower. [mailbox scraping] Where the hell have you been?!
Diaper Glossner: None of your damn business! Here's your stupid maxi pads. [scraping continues]
Frankie: Okeydoke. Well, all's well that ends well, I guess. [chuckles] Happy Halloween.
Rita Glossner: I'm taking this pumpkin. You don't need both, one percenter.