Sue Quote #510
Reverend TimTom: Sorry. Uh, rough day. So, what's on your mind?
Sue: Well, I guess you could say I have a big problem with... Ugh, what am I doing? No, I came here to say bad things about Reverend Tammy, and that is so mean of me. Her teen advice was spot on, and I just threw it back in her face.
Reverend TimTom: Oh, Sue. Don't be so hard on yourself. Feelings are complicated.
Sue: But I was praying you two would have a fight and that she would slink back to Grand Rapids, and now you two have had a fight, and you seem really upset.
Reverend TimTom: So, I take it you overheard our little tiff?
Sue: No, no. Yes.
Reverend TimTom: Sue, let me give you some advice.
Sue: No! Don't. I really, really, really want it, but I don't deserve it. I have been so selfish. If you were happy, I should be happy for you. Now you're unhappy, and it makes me unhappy. I am doubly unhappy. Oh, but I feel bad 'cause I don't want to make it about me being unhappy.
Quote from Frankie
Mike: All due respect, Judge, is this really what we're doing now? I mean, my wife was handcuffed and dragged down to the police station all because of a library book?
Judge: Mr. Heck, I judge the cases that are put before me. I don't get to pick the ones that light my fire.
Frankie: No, I'm sorry, but my husband is right. Do you know about all the break-ins at Joe's Subs? There are real crimes out there. Real crimes. Do we even know what happened to this book? It's not in our house. It could've been stolen. My point is the police should be focusing on real crime and not be worrying about some kid's book that none of us can even remember what it's about.
Judge: It says here it's Stormy Moon, $14.99 from Letter House Books. "The tantalizing tale of a handsome drifter who awakens the sensual desires of a lonely housewife. Stormy never dreamed when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo, he would also re-ignite her passion."
Frankie: Okay, I'll write you a check. Could you just wait a couple weeks to cash it?
Judge: Next case.
Quote from Axl
Sue: Okay, uh, no offense, Mom, but Orson is losing its number-one Christian role model, and all you can think about is a dumb book.
Frankie: You have a Dad, too. Why don't you tell him about any of this stuff? It wouldn't kill him to listen every once in a while, Mike.
Mike: Hey, I listen plenty, but there's only so many hours in the day, and I got to spend most of them at work so I can pay off things like overdue library books, Brick.
Brick: It's not my fault I can't find the book. I live with the messiest person ever, Axl.
Axl: Hey, if I'm messy, it's 'cause I'm crammed into half a room instead of having my own room in a mansion that we can't afford 'cause they put all our money into Sue's mouth!
Sue: Oh! And why do you think I need braces, Axl? It is because you drank all the milk that I was supposed to get to make my teeth strong and healthy. I never got one sip! You just drained Mom dry. That is why I have uncorrectable teeth and Brick is a foot shorter than he should be.
Axl: No! No! No! D-d-don't blame that on me. He's short 'cause he's hunched over a book all the time! That's why all of his growth spurts are all this way. He keeps going, he's gonna be an O.
Brick: Maybe I read all the time 'cause Dad never took an interest in me. He's too busy coddling the milk hoarder.
Frankie: You know what? This is very un-Brady. Blaming each other isn't getting us anywhere, so if we can't find the book, we'll just have to take Brick down there and throw ourselves on the mercy of the court. That.... That's a thing, right?
Quote from Frankie
Mike: Wait, they're arresting people for overdue library books now? That's ridiculous.
Frankie: You know what I find ridiculous? You all sitting here eating dinner while I rot in jail!
Axl: So, Mom went to the slammer. You all thought it'd be me first, but it was Mom. It's hilarious.
Frankie: Yes. It is hilarious. I don't know which part was the most hilarious. Maybe when they fingerprinted me, or maybe when they took my mug shot, or maybe it was all those hours spent sitting on a very cold bench waiting for my family to come and pick me up, 'cause there's no way they could possibly be sitting around the kitchen table, scarfing pizza, forgetting they even have a mother!
Axl: My phone's on vibrate.
Sue: I'm so sorry!
Mike: Battery's dead.
Brick: Hey, whatever happened to my phone?
Quote from Film, Friends and Fruit Pies
Mike: Hang on a sec. Where's all this money coming from?
Sue: Well, I've been using my Spudsy's money, and I popped all the quarters out of my 50 states collector's book, and I've been donating plasma. I'm not exactly sure what plasma is, and I don't know if you need it, but, from the way I've been feeling, I'm guessing you do.
Quote from The College Tour
Sue: Hey, Dad... Why do you think the tour guide gave me all these brochures? There's a Cherokee weaving workshop, and here's one on the headdress exhibit at the art museum.
Mike: Hmm, that's weird. They didn't give that stuff to anybody else?
Mike: I don't know. It's not like you're Native American.
Sue: Yes, I am.
Mike: N-no, Sue. You're not.
Sue: Sure, I am. I mean, that's what I put on my forms.
Mike: What? Why did you do that?
Sue: 'Cause I'm a native of America. I'm a native American.
Mike: Sue, now they think you're Native American!
Sue: Right, a native American.
Mike: [sighs] Say, "I'm a native American."
Sue: I'm a native American. Oh! I hear it now. Well, what was I supposed to check? There was no other option that seemed right. It's not like we're "ca-kah-zee-an."
Mike: Actually, Sue, we are.
Sue: What?! Oh, my God, this is horrible! They're gonna think that I tried to pull one over on them, that I lied on my forms, and it says it's a felony to lie on those forms. Oh, my God! I committed a felony! [music box plays] [vomits]
Quote from The Ditch
Frankie: [v.o.] Sue's ditch day wasn't exactly fun yet. But she knew as soon as she intercepted the call from the attendance office, she could really start living. Provided she stayed low to the ground and out of sight.
Sue: [answers phone] Hello?
Woman: This is the Orson High attendance office. May I speak to Frankie Heck, please?
Sue: [British accent] Yes, this is she! [whispers] Why am I British?
Woman: I'm just verifying that Sue Heck is home sick today.
Sue: [British accent] Oh, yes. She is quite sick. Sick as the Dickens, I'm afraid.
Woman: Well, please make sure she brings a note with a parent signature.
Sue: [British accent] A note?
Woman: Yes. It's a requirement anytime a student has been absent.
Sue: [British accent] Very well. A note. I'll add it to my shed-ule. Cheerio!