Mike: All due respect, Judge, is this really what we're doing now? I mean, my wife was handcuffed and dragged down to the police station all because of a library book?
Judge: Mr. Heck, I judge the cases that are put before me. I don't get to pick the ones that light my fire.
Frankie: No, I'm sorry, but my husband is right. Do you know about all the break-ins at Joe's Subs? There are real crimes out there. Real crimes. Do we even know what happened to this book? It's not in our house. It could've been stolen. My point is the police should be focusing on real crime and not be worrying about some kid's book that none of us can even remember what it's about.
Judge: It says here it's Stormy Moon, $14.99 from Letter House Books. "The tantalizing tale of a handsome drifter who awakens the sensual desires of a lonely housewife. Stormy never dreamed when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo, he would also re-ignite her passion."
Frankie: Okay, I'll write you a check. Could you just wait a couple weeks to cash it?
Judge: Next case.

Sue: Okay, uh, no offense, Mom, but Orson is losing its number-one Christian role model, and all you can think about is a dumb book.
Frankie: You have a Dad, too. Why don't you tell him about any of this stuff? It wouldn't kill him to listen every once in a while, Mike.
Mike: Hey, I listen plenty, but there's only so many hours in the day, and I got to spend most of them at work so I can pay off things like overdue library books, Brick.
Brick: It's not my fault I can't find the book. I live with the messiest person ever, Axl.
Axl: Hey, if I'm messy, it's 'cause I'm crammed into half a room instead of having my own room in a mansion that we can't afford 'cause they put all our money into Sue's mouth!
Sue: Oh! And why do you think I need braces, Axl? It is because you drank all the milk that I was supposed to get to make my teeth strong and healthy. I never got one sip! You just drained Mom dry. That is why I have uncorrectable teeth and Brick is a foot shorter than he should be.
Axl: No! No! No! D-d-don't blame that on me. He's short 'cause he's hunched over a book all the time! That's why all of his growth spurts are all this way. He keeps going, he's gonna be an O.
Brick: Maybe I read all the time 'cause Dad never took an interest in me. He's too busy coddling the milk hoarder.
Frankie: You know what? This is very un-Brady. Blaming each other isn't getting us anywhere, so if we can't find the book, we'll just have to take Brick down there and throw ourselves on the mercy of the court. That.... That's a thing, right?

Mike: Wait, they're arresting people for overdue library books now? That's ridiculous.
Frankie: You know what I find ridiculous? You all sitting here eating dinner while I rot in jail!
Axl: So, Mom went to the slammer. You all thought it'd be me first, but it was Mom. It's hilarious.
Frankie: Yes. It is hilarious. I don't know which part was the most hilarious. Maybe when they fingerprinted me, or maybe when they took my mug shot, or maybe it was all those hours spent sitting on a very cold bench waiting for my family to come and pick me up, 'cause there's no way they could possibly be sitting around the kitchen table, scarfing pizza, forgetting they even have a mother!
Axl: My phone's on vibrate.
Sue: I'm so sorry!
Mike: Battery's dead.
Brick: Hey, whatever happened to my phone?