Brick: Hey, Dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Mike: Uh, not a good time, Brick. I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one."
Brick: You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby. Here's what I got so far. "Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014. What a year. Mom doesn't wear pants anymore. She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip that's been there since July. She says if it doesn't go away in a week, she'll go to the doctor. Finances weigh heavy on our minds. The sink fell through the counter last month, and now we wash dishes in the shower. Axl's football career appears to be over, as he dropped the ball... both literally and figuratively." I'm very proud of that part.
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: "Mom and Dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.'"
Mike: Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Brick: Why not? It's all true.
Mike: Yeah, well, that's exactly why. Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Brick: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a lot harder. And shorter.
Mike: [chuckles] Yeah.

Frankie: Hey, where you going? And what's with the hat?
Axl: If you must know, it's part of our new business venture... "Tree Wise Men," a subsidiary of Boss Co. Enterprises. We're getting paid to put up people's Christmas lights and decorations. It's the season to get rich.
Frankie: Well, we have a tree right here, and as soon as it gets assembled, we are decorating it as a family.
Axl: Oh, but this is the only chance I get to hang out with my friends. Now that I'm in college, which you guys insisted on, I never get to see them anymore.
Frankie: Okay, but as soon as you get back, we're making a trip to the Frugal Hoosier. I'm filling two cars with stuff, and you're gonna be my Christmas helper.
Axl: Ugh. Fine. But I'm gonna need 10 bucks for my time.
Frankie: Oh, are we settling up? Because I put a bill together for all the things I've done for you, and it's a billion dollars.

Brick: Everybody stop yelling. [whispers] Yelling. [normal voice] Oh, no. [whispers] Oh, no. [normal voice] Oh, no. [whispers] Oh, no. [normal voice] I can't stop. [whispers] I can't stop.

Frankie: Honey, what's wrong?
Sue: I went to Brad's early to give him his Christmas present. And I found him out back behind the shed with another boy.
Mike: Uh... Hey, Brick, why don't you go to your room? Go. Go.
Sue: And they were out in the bushes, and they were taking turns...
Frankie: Honey, I am so sorry. We should've said something.
Sue: And they were... And they were... Smoking.
Frankie & Mike: Oh.
Sue: Wait, you knew? You knew he was a smoker?
Mike: We had our suspicions.
Frankie: I'll bet that's why he didn't kiss you. He didn't want you to notice his smoker's breath.
Sue: Oh, yeah. Well, there's no way I'm gonna date him now. And I really, really liked him too.
Frankie: Oh, come here, baby.
Sue: Maybe I can get him to quit?
Frankie: I wouldn't count on it, honey.

Mike: Hey buddy, we need to talk. [pulls Brick out from under the Christmas tree] What's going on? Mom and I are worried about you.
Brick: I'm just a little melancholy. [whispers] Melancholy.
Mike: When did all this start?
Brick: [normal voice] You know that Santa PEZ dispenser I got two years ago where the candy comes out of his beard? I just started thinking about how I had it and then one day it was just... gone. And then I started thinking that someday you'll be gone... And I'll be gone, and we'll all be gone.
Mike: Well, sure. Everybody worries about death. It's terrifying. But you know what we do? We shove it out of our minds. That's why we have books and candy and water parks and TV. It's all just a big old distraction from death. So all better?
Brick: Okay. [whispers] Okay.
Frankie: [v.o.] And then because he thought he was on a roll, Mike got greedy.
Mike: Oh, and you know, if you keep on whispering to yourself... Santa's not gonna bring you any presents.