Brick: I can't believe this is happening. You know how hard it was to write a five-page paper on the Louisiana Purchase using a computer that doesn't have the letter "L"?
Mike: All right. I did it. And the handle snapped off in my hand.
Frankie: Don't just stand there. Help us. Brick can't get his homework on the website.
Mike: Bigger fish to fry right now, Frankie. Just print it out and hand it in to the teacher tomorrow.
Frankie: They don't let them hand it in, they have to upload it to Cyberdesk.
Mike: When I was a kid, we didn't have computers. Nobody had computers. All we had were pencils and paper and we all turned out fine.
Frankie: Save your stories for the campfire, Grandpa. Right now I'm trying to make sure our son doesn't fail history.

Axl: Ice cream sandwiches?
Brick: You didn't tell me I was gonna talk.
Sue: We all agreed on Florida, Brick. All you had to say was "Florida."
Brick: Well, I'm sorry. I was thinking about Florida, and I was on the beach petting Hemingway's cats, and it was hot. And I thought how nice it would be to have an ice cream sandwich.
Sue: Yeah, but why would you ask for something you can just go to the freezer and take?
Brick: I thought you had to ask to have an ice cream sandwich.
Axl & Sue: No!
Brick: Really?!

Frankie: You know, when you think of it, most of our fights are because of them. Remember last week, you got mad at me 'cause Sue guilted me into going to her college and bringing up her "It's Kitten Time Somewhere" poster?
Mike: How 'bout the time Brick swallowed all that Jell-O powder? We practically went 12 rounds 'cause you wanted to take him to the emergency room, and I said it's gonna be Sue's $300 fart all over again.
Frankie: I mean, if it weren't for those kids, we'd be the happiest couple in town.
Mike: And where do they get off coming into our house and telling us how to parent?
Frankie: Yeah. And then we end up apologizing to them.
Mike: You know, when we were kids, you didn't tell your parents what they were doing wrong. You know what you did? You ate your vegetables.
Frankie: I have a good mind to buy vegetables and make those kids eat them.
Mike: Oh, we're gonna do a lot more than that.