Axl: Look, it just happened, okay? April and I were in the Winnebago, talking about how her parents don't like me and my parents don't like her, and I don't know. We just started feeling like, "Hey, we don't need anybody. We got each other." So, the more we talked about it, the more upset we got, and next thing I know, we're at the courthouse in this really long line. And it was around then I started to have second thoughts, but if we got out of line, we'd lose our place, and everyone else in line was so happy for us, 'cause we're really young and hot, and they're all so old.
Sue: That's because you're too young to get married! You were supposed to date for 2 1/2 years, graduate, get a job, and then get married in a small church, surrounded by God and your friends and family and even the cousins you don't know very well, and I am a bridesmaid! Now, I'll just have to be a bridesmaid for Cindy and wear a formal dress and a safari hat!

Sue: When are you gonna tell Mom about getting married?
Axl: Look, Mom and I are in a great place right now.
Sue: She's happy. You have to do this, Axl. I can't enjoy Christmas with this black cloud hanging over it. It's like Downton Abbey meets Homeland. There's a big secret, and eventually, a bomb is gonna go off. We're all sitting on a powder keg here!

Mike: What do you think about this for Bill? It's a bottle opener that plays the I.U. fight song.
Frankie: Oh, did Bill go to I.U.?
Mike: I don't know. Damn it! Now I got to find out where Bill went to college? He's got me right where he wants me... thinking about him.
Frankie: Wait. I didn't think you were gonna get him a present.
Mike: Oh, I'm getting him a present. I want this debt paid. I'm settling the score, once and for all.
Frankie: [scoffs] Okay, you're buying him a Christmas gift, not avenging the death of your father. [Axl chuckles]
Mike: Okay. What about this? A popcorn tin with cheese-, butter and caramel-flavored popcorn?
Frankie: Uh, I don't know. It doesn't seem very personal.
Mike: I don't want it to be personal. Bill's already got everything. It's so hard to buy for a man. There's a million things you can buy for a woman.
Frankie: Which makes your choice of inflatable foot bath that much more baffling.
Mike: [sighs] Don't ever get married.