Brick: This book is life-changing. Mom dropped me at the library to find the perfect holiday read, and out of nowhere, it just appeared to me. "The real true behind-the-scenes story of the making of Erich Segal's 1970's classic, Love Story."
Mike: Really? All the books they got in the library, and that's the one you picked?
Brick: Have you read it? It's fascinating. How did I go so long without finding this? It's a Thanksgiving gift, I tell you. A gift.
Mike: You know, the only thing that would have made that better is if strangers were here to see it.

Mike: When was I supposed to know this? I only found out 'cause I went by the house to invite you to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, no. You don't want an old man with a broken hip at your Thanksgiving.
Mike: That's true, but my wife does. Please, Dad. Please, please, please come to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
Mike: It's not a choice, Dad. The nurses say you gotta be discharged tomorrow, and they can't let you go home alone. Don't worry. We got TV and crummy food at our house, too.
Big Mike: You don't exactly roll out the red carpet, do you?

Mike: See, in a real game, we don't see each other's cards, so you can pretend that you have a really good hand and the other guy might believe you and quit.
Brick: You mean lie? That doesn't seem very sporting.
Mike: Well, it's called bluffing, and it's part of the game. So, now I'm gonna deal a hand where I can't see your cards. So I'm not gonna be able to help you. You're on your own.
Brick: Ooh. [puts pretzels in the pot] I have a great hand. [whispers] I'm bluffing.
Mike: Okay, our problem here is that you have what we call a tell. And your tell is that you... tell.
Brick: Mm.
Mike: So we're gonna have to work on that. [Brick eats a pretzel] You're eating money.

Frankie: Okay, look. The potatoes were still kind of hard. This can just be our little secret. Nobody out there needs to know. Believe me, two years ago when I worked the squash harvest, this thing was a lifesaver.
Sheila: [gasps] You've done this before?
Frankie: Look, if anybody sees me, I'll just tell them that my cousin from the Louisiana territory just invented it. The great inventor Hosiah... Newton-John.
Sheila: My soul would die at the thought of people getting anything less than the authentic experience they paid $8 for. They did not pay to have somebody cut corners.
Frankie: Well, guess what. Historically, I come from a long line of corner-cutters, so cutting corners now is actually me being authentic. So there.

Frankie: All right, well, if nobody cares, how about we float Thanksgiving to December? Wait. That's too close to Christmas. Let's see. How about... January?
Sue: Can't. Our a cappella group is doing this big month-long tribute to the '80s... Duran Duran-uary. [laughs]
Brick: February's out. Cindy's got something big planned for Valentine's Day. What's a couples retreat?
Frankie: Okay, how about March?
Mike & Axl: March Madness!
Frankie: Okay, who's free in May?
Axl: Yeah, nothing good happens in May.
Sue: Well, except Mother's Day.
Frankie: Like he said, nothing good happens in May.