Brick: Hey, Dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Mike: Uh, not a good time, Brick. I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one."
Brick: You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby. Here's what I got so far. "Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014. What a year. Mom doesn't wear pants anymore. She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip that's been there since July. She says if it doesn't go away in a week, she'll go to the doctor. Finances weigh heavy on our minds. The sink fell through the counter last month, and now we wash dishes in the shower. Axl's football career appears to be over, as he dropped the ball... both literally and figuratively." I'm very proud of that part.
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: "Mom and Dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.'"
Mike: Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Brick: Why not? It's all true.
Mike: Yeah, well, that's exactly why. Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Brick: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a lot harder. And shorter.
Mike: [chuckles] Yeah.

Frankie: Well, at least someone has a passion for the holiday. The kids are just so blah.
Mike: So, we start later in the day. Who cares?
Frankie: Don't you get it? Now that they're not little anymore, the magic is gone. Remember when they used to wake us up at 5:00 a.m. and jump on our bed?
Mike: I remember you cursing into your pillow.
Frankie: "Damn it" isn't a real curse.
Mike: You didn't say "damn it." You said...
Frankie: The point is, once you made me get up, I just loved how they couldn't wait to open their presents. And now all they want are gift cards.
Mike: I remember you cursing about having to go out and shop...
Frankie: The holidays are stressful! That doesn't mean you don't like 'em!

Brick: Everybody stop yelling. [whispers] Yelling. [normal voice] Oh, no. [whispers] Oh, no. [normal voice] Oh, no. [whispers] Oh, no. [normal voice] I can't stop. [whispers] I can't stop.

Frankie: Oh, my God. Mike. The Christmas village? I love setting up the Christmas village. All right, this is chaos. This guy with the newspaper is supposed to go in front of the bakery. You've got him lurking around the school like he's some kind of pedophile. Look, you've got the carolers on the train tracks, like that's gonna end well.
Mike: Did you want my help or not?
Frankie: Well, yes, but I can't leave the house for a second to go to work or practice without you churning out some other Christmas tradition. I just wanted you to do the crummy stuff. You know, go to the grocery, stand in line at the post office for the Christmas stamps. I don't want you hogging up all the fun stuff.
Mike: How am I supposed to know what you think is fun?
Frankie: Well, you know how there's songs about decorating a tree or building a snowman? That's how you know. If it's in a song, don't do it.
Mike: So, no chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Frankie: No.
Mike: No dashing through the snow.
Frankie: No, that's all out.

Frankie: Honey, what's wrong?
Sue: I went to Brad's early to give him his Christmas present. And I found him out back behind the shed with another boy.
Mike: Uh... Hey, Brick, why don't you go to your room? Go. Go.
Sue: And they were out in the bushes, and they were taking turns...
Frankie: Honey, I am so sorry. We should've said something.
Sue: And they were... And they were... Smoking.
Frankie & Mike: Oh.
Sue: Wait, you knew? You knew he was a smoker?
Mike: We had our suspicions.
Frankie: I'll bet that's why he didn't kiss you. He didn't want you to notice his smoker's breath.
Sue: Oh, yeah. Well, there's no way I'm gonna date him now. And I really, really liked him too.
Frankie: Oh, come here, baby.
Sue: Maybe I can get him to quit?
Frankie: I wouldn't count on it, honey.