Sue: [on the phone] [crying] Mom. I got... written up.
Frankie: S-S-S-Sue, slow down, okay? Focus. I need complete sentences a-and words.
Sue: It was all Holly's fault. And she doesn't even act like a Holly. She put swears on the walls and she's not even here now and I don't know where she is and I never know where she is. She never writes on the memo board. And she called Taylor Swift a skank, and I tried to tell her that she's just unlucky in love. And that I saw her in concert and she was awesome!
Frankie: Okay, Sue, honey. You just have to give it some time.
Sue: It's not just that. I'm making bad choices. I'm only eating ice-cream sandwiches, and I haven't pooped in three days! I keep waiting for nobody to be in the bathroom, but there's always somebody in the bathroom! I tried at 3:00 A.M., but that's when the barfers come in.
Mike: What is she saying? She can't poop in front of Taylor Swift?
Sue: And I know. I'm sorry that I keep bothering you. You said I was ready for this, but I... I'm not. And... and I don't want to be here anymore. And I hate college. And I just want to come home!
Frankie: Screw Ferber. We're heading up there.
Mike: Already out the door.

Frankie: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Axl was having roommate problems of his own... About a million of them.
Axl: There are ants everywhere! How did this happen?!
Hutch: Dude, it's getting worse. I thought you sprayed something.
Axl: Yeah, well, all I had was Axe body spray.
Hutch: Well, now they're more confident than ever.

Sue: And she doesn't even put sheets on the bed. She just sleeps on an old coat.
Axl: Ugh. Well, at least she leaves sometimes. Kenny was always around. It drove me nuts. I mean, we're all buds now, but that first month away, I was... pretty homesick.
Sue: Really? I didn't know about that.
Axl: Oh, yeah. There were times where I really missed Mom and Dad a lot.
Sue: You did? Did you tell them?
Axl: No way. Why's that their business? [sniffs] Anyway, I just wanted to check in, make sure you're doing okay, you know, not sitting around, listening to emo music or something.
Sue: Yeah, well, maybe I'm doing okay.
Axl: Look, it sucks for everyone at first, but by Thanksgiving, you're gonna be having so much fun, you won't even want to go home. [chuckles] Except for, like, food and laundry, money, stuff. [chuckles] Also, I could never take a dump in the dorms, so I would suggest doing all your pooping at home.