Brick Quote #526
Frankie: Oh, come on. Did you seriously just check out another library book?
Brick: In fact, I did. [holds up a copy of Stormy Moon] I found a copy in the Jasper County branch. I have to say, when the judge read that plot summary, it really piqued my interest. Turns out it's a real page turner.
Brick: [v.o.] The time had come for Lorenzo to drift again. He would forever remain a beautiful mystery.
Axl: What does this mean? Am I the fish or the crown, and what about that green thing? What even is that green thing?
Mike: I got no idea what I'm looking at. Seems like you guys could've talked about things in the time it took her to paint this.
Brick: [v.o.] She knew she would miss his stolen kisses, but would always treasure the happiness he helped her feel inside. [Reverends TimTom and Tammy kiss] But sadly, what is borrowed must always be returned, and there is always a price to pay in the end.
Brick: Oh, snap! She jumped off a cliff. Did not see that coming.
Quote from Frankie
Mike: All due respect, Judge, is this really what we're doing now? I mean, my wife was handcuffed and dragged down to the police station all because of a library book?
Judge: Mr. Heck, I judge the cases that are put before me. I don't get to pick the ones that light my fire.
Frankie: No, I'm sorry, but my husband is right. Do you know about all the break-ins at Joe's Subs? There are real crimes out there. Real crimes. Do we even know what happened to this book? It's not in our house. It could've been stolen. My point is the police should be focusing on real crime and not be worrying about some kid's book that none of us can even remember what it's about.
Judge: It says here it's Stormy Moon, $14.99 from Letter House Books. "The tantalizing tale of a handsome drifter who awakens the sensual desires of a lonely housewife. Stormy never dreamed when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo, he would also re-ignite her passion."
Frankie: Okay, I'll write you a check. Could you just wait a couple weeks to cash it?
Judge: Next case.
Quote from Axl
Sue: Okay, uh, no offense, Mom, but Orson is losing its number-one Christian role model, and all you can think about is a dumb book.
Frankie: You have a Dad, too. Why don't you tell him about any of this stuff? It wouldn't kill him to listen every once in a while, Mike.
Mike: Hey, I listen plenty, but there's only so many hours in the day, and I got to spend most of them at work so I can pay off things like overdue library books, Brick.
Brick: It's not my fault I can't find the book. I live with the messiest person ever, Axl.
Axl: Hey, if I'm messy, it's 'cause I'm crammed into half a room instead of having my own room in a mansion that we can't afford 'cause they put all our money into Sue's mouth!
Sue: Oh! And why do you think I need braces, Axl? It is because you drank all the milk that I was supposed to get to make my teeth strong and healthy. I never got one sip! You just drained Mom dry. That is why I have uncorrectable teeth and Brick is a foot shorter than he should be.
Axl: No! No! No! D-d-don't blame that on me. He's short 'cause he's hunched over a book all the time! That's why all of his growth spurts are all this way. He keeps going, he's gonna be an O.
Brick: Maybe I read all the time 'cause Dad never took an interest in me. He's too busy coddling the milk hoarder.
Frankie: You know what? This is very un-Brady. Blaming each other isn't getting us anywhere, so if we can't find the book, we'll just have to take Brick down there and throw ourselves on the mercy of the court. That.... That's a thing, right?
Quote from Frankie
Mike: Wait, they're arresting people for overdue library books now? That's ridiculous.
Frankie: You know what I find ridiculous? You all sitting here eating dinner while I rot in jail!
Axl: So, Mom went to the slammer. You all thought it'd be me first, but it was Mom. It's hilarious.
Frankie: Yes. It is hilarious. I don't know which part was the most hilarious. Maybe when they fingerprinted me, or maybe when they took my mug shot, or maybe it was all those hours spent sitting on a very cold bench waiting for my family to come and pick me up, 'cause there's no way they could possibly be sitting around the kitchen table, scarfing pizza, forgetting they even have a mother!
Axl: My phone's on vibrate.
Sue: I'm so sorry!
Mike: Battery's dead.
Brick: Hey, whatever happened to my phone?
Quote from Hecks on a Train
Brick: Do we have any details about the cause of Aunt Edie's death?
Mike: Just one. She was 96.
Brick: Interesting. Has anyone questioned Helen Riley? She was the perennial runner-up to Aunt Edie in the church pie contest.
Quote from Mommapalooza
Sue: Okay, so, what do we do? Dad didn't give us enough drywall to fix a hole this big. He's gonna freak out.
Brick: I'm not gonna lie. It's gonna be really rough for you.
Sue: Me? You're the one who did this.
Brick: Well, you're the older sister who left her little brother to do major home repair on his own. Besides, if Dad flips out, I can just play the quirk card. I shrug, I look confused, throw in a few whoops and whispers, lick something if I have to... I'm off scot-free.
Sue: Oh, my God. You're diabolical.
Brick: I am not diabolical. [whispers] Diabolical. [normal voice] It's so easy. [whispers] It's so easy. [normal voice] Okay, that one wasn't planned.
Quote from Flirting with Disaster
Brick: The Silligans come from a drier planet and are a rock-type people, whereas the Vernegos' habitat is a lusher, forest area...
Sue: Brick, enough! You have been droning on and on since we left. I am trying to concentrate. Aunt Edie's car is 3 feet wider than any car I've ever driven.
Brick: Sorry. Well, do you wanna listen to a book on tape?
Sue: Please. [tape rattling]
Brick: [on tape] But Soran would have to navigate the Asteroid belts of Norox without a working Pernovian laser. [whispers] Pernovian laser.
Sue: Is that you?
Brick: Uh-huh! I recorded the entire series on tape. I play them when my eyes are too tired from reading.
Brick: [on tape] As professor Faxon's prophecy foretold, Soran's quest...