Brick: Hey, Dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Mike: Uh, not a good time, Brick. I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one."
Brick: You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby. Here's what I got so far. "Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014. What a year. Mom doesn't wear pants anymore. She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip that's been there since July. She says if it doesn't go away in a week, she'll go to the doctor. Finances weigh heavy on our minds. The sink fell through the counter last month, and now we wash dishes in the shower. Axl's football career appears to be over, as he dropped the ball... both literally and figuratively." I'm very proud of that part.
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: "Mom and Dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.'"
Mike: Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Brick: Why not? It's all true.
Mike: Yeah, well, that's exactly why. Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Brick: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a lot harder. And shorter.
Mike: [chuckles] Yeah.

Frankie: Well, at least someone has a passion for the holiday. The kids are just so blah.
Mike: So, we start later in the day. Who cares?
Frankie: Don't you get it? Now that they're not little anymore, the magic is gone. Remember when they used to wake us up at 5:00 a.m. and jump on our bed?
Mike: I remember you cursing into your pillow.
Frankie: "Damn it" isn't a real curse.
Mike: You didn't say "damn it." You said...
Frankie: The point is, once you made me get up, I just loved how they couldn't wait to open their presents. And now all they want are gift cards.
Mike: I remember you cursing about having to go out and shop...
Frankie: The holidays are stressful! That doesn't mean you don't like 'em!

Mike: We're doing a little thinking about Christmas. It seems that we don't always appreciate it the way we should.
Sue: Oh, no, we appreciate it. Mm, we totally appreciate it.
Frankie: Do you? Exhibit A. Does anybody recognize that?
Mike: We'll give you a hint. One of you had to have it just last year.
Axl: Well, it's lame, so I'll go with Sue.
Mike: Ooh! Sorry. We were looking for "Axl." The correct answer is "Axl."
Sue: And it's not even opened. Wow. That is unappreciative.
Frankie: Huh. That's funny you should say that, Sue. Or should I say... Exhibit B.
Sue: Oh! Thank you! I've been looking for this.
Frankie: Been in the middle of the pool table all year, right next to... Exhibit C!
Axl: A word-a-day calendar? Well, you know that's not mine.
Frankie: Brick stopped using it on January 2nd. And coincidentally, the word is "irresponsible."

Axl: Glossners are hiding in the bushes. I saw them when Grandma took fudge over to the Donahues. I used her as a human shield.
Brick: I'm cold. I told you we needed a fireplace.
Axl: You can't put a fireplace in an igloo!
Brick: The eskimos do it all the time.
Axl: Oh, my God, Brick. Eskimos aren't even real. They're just in stories like leprechauns and trolls.

Pat: Frankie, why don't you let 'em open their presents?
Frankie: Because I told you we were doing a simple Christmas!
Pat: [scoffs] Well, I didn't think you meant us, too.
Frankie: Oh, you knew I meant you, too, and you ignored me! You've been winking and waving at me all over the place since you got here!
Pat: Well, I am sorry, Frankie, but there is no way I was participating in that insanity. A simple Christmas is just really a lame idea. [Frankie gasps]
Tag: I told you not to tell her that.
Pat: Well, you don't cut back at Christmas. It's Christmas!
Frankie: Who are you people? When I was a kid, for my allowance, I got one cent for every year of my life. That means when I was 12, I got 12 pennies, Mom. 12 pennies!
Pat: Well, back then, we were parents. Now we're grandparents. We have to be grand. It's in the title!
Tag: There ain't no pockets in heaven.