Pam Staggs: Oh. Kevin, is this drink gonna be better?
Kevin: I feel good about it. Mm, well, if you feel good, then I feel good.
Frankie: Yeah, Kevin, it better be good, or I'm gonna tell your Mom. [chuckles] I know his Mom. We joined curves together. Anyway, you know what? You haven't told me about your husband. What does he do?
Pam Staggs: Uh, let's see, he gets half my winnings. We're divorced.
Frankie: Ooh, I'm so sorry. I...
Pam Staggs: No, it's way better. We're... you know, we're great. We're still best friends. And our son is in South America, and he's helping the locals start a system of sustainable agriculture.
Frankie: Yeah.
Pam Staggs: Mmm! Kevin! Get over here! This isn't good, Kevy, and my friend here has yet to taste a real St. Louis Melon Ball. You know what? Watch out. I'm coming over. You know, we're gonna be spending a lot of time here, Kevin. And we need our Melon Balls to be made right. Frankie, no! You spit that out right now. That's the bad one.

Frankie: Wow, ooh, oh, wow, wow. Ooh! Crazy night. Crazy, crazy night. Really? Nothing? Does nobody around here care about my life at all?
Mike: I saw the end of the night. I think I can connect the dots on how you got there. So listen, this hose water is really making this coffee taste weird. I was thinking we should... [phone vibrates]
Frankie: Mm, oh, hang on a second. It's Pam. Mm. Was totally in, period, sane, period. All right, sorry, what were you saying?
Mike: I'm saying we need to do something about the sink situation. It's freezing out there. We're losing heat.

Frankie: Look! Mike! Aren't these pretty? They're from the Chico's in Santa Fe. Pam Staggs gave them to me just 'cause I said I liked them.
Mike: Well, maybe next time, you can tell her you like her sink.
Frankie: [laughs] You're so funny. All right, go to sleep. Sleepy, sleepy... [sighs]

Frankie: [v.o.] Here's the thing about trying to date a girl who's a lot like you... you know her weaknesses.
Axl: Quick game of horse. One game. If I win, you go out with me. If you win... highly doubtful... I'll leave you alone.
Devin: Yeah, not doing that.
Axl: Why not? You scared? You don't think you can beat me?
Devin: Uh, no, I know I can beat you.
Axl: Well, prove it. [throws the basketball to Devin]
Devin: Fine. Left hand, over the head, no look, nothing but net. [Devin makes the shot]

Frankie: So, Mike get this, Pam's house is one of the Homearama 2014 houses. You would believe this place. They've got remote-control window shade there's a TV in every room, but there's also a room just for watching TV.
Mike: Frankie, I couldn't care less if Pam Staggs lives in a big house.
Frankie: I'm just saying, it's not the worst thing in the world to have a millionaire for a best friend.
Mike: Yeah, well, I could just use a break from the constant Pam Staggs updates.
Frankie: Oh, wow, okay, I get it. Just admit it. You don't like Pam Staggs.
Mike: No, I don't like you when you're with Pam Staggs. You act stupid. You act like a big dummy.
Frankie: Oh, you're a big dummy.

Frankie & Pam: [sing] reunited 'cause we understood There's one perfect fit And, sugar, this one is it We both are so excited 'cause we're reunited Hey, hey
Pam Staggs: [talks] What's Peaches without her Herb? Oh, seriously, I'm so glad I ran into you, 'cause believe me, I had called everybody, and I mean, everybody I liked in high school, and they've all moved. I guess everyone else left Orson to pursue their dreams but you. Oh, wait, here's the solo part. This is just me. [sings] I sat here starin' at the same old wall

Pam Staggs: Frankie, where were you? I thought we were supposed to meet at Suds and Duds. You know, you don't have to do laundry to drink.
Frankie: Yeah, Pam, I don't think...
Pam Staggs: Oh, my God, are you mad at me? You're mad at me. You got so quiet at karaoke. That thing I said... it just came out wrong. What I meant to say was, I called all my real friends, and they had all moved. So thank goodness, you never followed any of your dreams! Come on. Don't be mad at Peaches.
Frankie: Pam, it's not just that. You know, I'm a little tired. I got the kids and...
Pam Staggs: Of course! Ugh, what was I thinking? We'll stay in! That's why I always bring purse wine.

Pam Staggs: Come on, Frankie! Stand up and dance with me. It's not fun by myself.
Frankie: Yeah, you know, Pam, I'm not really in the...
Pam Staggs: Oh, oh, I've got a great idea. Let's prank call Gary Pope, remember him?
Frankie: Yeah, he died.
Pam Staggs: Oh. Well, here's to Gary. Gary! Gary! Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary.
Frankie: Pam, this is really fun and all, but tomorrow's a workday, and most of us have to go to work. We didn't all win a million dollars.
Pam Staggs: Yeah, but I did. Seriously, Frankie, if you do go to work tomorrow, how much would you make? Why don't I just write you a check?
Frankie: That is tempting, but tomorrow's the day I get to clean out the saliva ejector...
Pam Staggs: Oh, no. We're out of fun juice. Ugh, we gotta make a booze run. Where's the young one? Does he drive? I mean, I'll run in.

Frankie: She's miserable, Mike. Pam Staggs is miserable! Her life is horrible! She wants what I have. Can you believe it? She wishes she was me! [laughs]
Frankie: [v.o.] I guess it's true what they say, money doesn't buy happiness. Not that being poor does either. But when you think about it, our family really does have it all goin' on.
Sue: [holding a baby cow] Have you seen my Mom?
Frankie: [v.o.] And as for sad, pathetic Pam? Well, I didn't see her much after that night. But I did hear she started dating the real estate guy who sold her Homearama home. Me? I wouldn't trade places for the world. Because, pardon my French... I am Frankie freakin' Heck.