‘Pam Freakin' Staggs’
Season 6, Episode 10 - Aired January 7, 2015
Frankie is thrilled when Pam Staggs (Kirstie Alley), the most popular girl in high school who later won big on Wheel of Fortune, moves back to Orson. Meanwhile, Sue searches for an extracurricular activity that will impress colleges, and Axl asks Devin Levin out on a date.
Quote from Axl
Frankie: [v.o.] You know what they say... if at first you don't beat a girl in basketball to win a date, try, try again.
Devin: So this is your idea of leaving me alone?
Axl: Ooh, somebody likes herself some her. You think I'm just out running looking for you? I'm training on my off-season.
Devin: Oh, really? Funny how I've never seen you out here before.
Axl: Yeah. Funny. Race you to the mailbox.
Devin: You trying to run away from that body spray you have on?
Axl: It's McConaughey by McConaughey for men.
Devin: Then, why are you wearing it?
Quote from Mike
Mike: Okay, you're not in high school anymore, Frankie. So stop trying to act like you are. You've been out every night this week.
Frankie: Well... I've been breaking rocks in this prison for 20 years. I think I've earned a little time out in the yard.
Frankie: Wow. You don't want me to have any fun. I find that very sad.
Mike: I want you to have fun. I just want you to have old, married people, Mom fun. The kids...
Frankie: Oh, don't bring the kids into this. The kids are older now. They're fine. I know what the kids are doing every second.
[Sue falls off the inflatable in the pool]
Mike: This just isn't you, Frankie. I don't get why you're twisting yourself into something that you're not just to please some crazy girl from high school.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: For your information, Pam and I are very close. Who did she seek out when she came back to Orson? Me. This is about more than just partying, Mike. Pam and I have a real connection. She told me about her divorce, her uterus... heavy stuff. I told her stuff, too.
Mike: [mouth full] Wait a minute. You talked about stuff. What stuff?
Frankie: Just that you were emotionally distant. But don't worry. I told her we went to counseling. You came out sounding very good.
Mike: Frankie!
Frankie: What? She gave me divorce and uterus, Mike. What was I supposed to give her? That you don't put the cap back on the ketchup bottle? Blah. I had to give her something of equal or greater value. Oh, and in case she asks, during your gambling addiction, I stayed for a month at my Mom's, but now we're closer than ever. Oh! I gotta go change. I'm meeting Pam.
Mike: Again?
Frankie: It's ladies drink free, Mike. I could stay here and drink our beer, and then we'd be losing money. I'll go out, drink some beer, and then like a mama bird, I will come home and spit in your mouth.
Mike: You already did that last night.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Hey, Dad. I need you to sign this form so I can join 4-H.
Mike: What?
Sue: 4-H. It's an organization for teens. It's something to do with agriculture, and you have to grow crops and stuff. Oh, yeah, and I might have to raise an animal.
Mike: Why would you wanna do that?
Sue: Because everybody's caught on to the whole oboe and rowing thing, but 4-H is kind of under the radar these days.
Mike: Yeah, but are you really that interested in farming?
Sue: Dad, just don't talk. You don't get it.
Mike: Gladly.
Quote from Axl
Devin: Boom.
Axl: Seriously? Is there anything you're not good at?
Devin: Word searches. I get way too frustrated. 8-ball, corner pocket, for the win.
Axl: Oh, my God. You scratched. I win! I win! Loser! Of course, it's not really a loss 'cause you get me. Wait a minute. Did you just do that on purpose? Did you just let me win?
Devin: You'll never know. [kisses Axl] Pick me up at 8:00. No body spray.
Axl: All right, all right, all right.
Quote from Brick
Brick: What are you doing?
Mike: Oh, I had to get out of there. I don't know what's worse, your Mom going out with Pam Staggs, or your Mom staying in with Pam Staggs.
Brick: I was hiding at the library. I thought she'd be gone by now.
Mike: Yeah, well, she's not.
Brick: You know, you and I can just get an apartment together.
Quote from Frankie
Pam Staggs: Mike, she won't dance with me and she won't take my speaker.
Mike: Okay.
Pam Staggs: But you'll dance with me, won't you? Oh, you're so sweaty. I love me some salty snacks.
[Frankie stops the music after Pam licks Mike's neck]
Mike: Frankie.
Frankie: What are you doing? You just licked my husband. Look, I don't know how they do things in St. Louis, but around here, we don't lick each other's husbands. We just don't. I don't care if you are Pam Staggs. People don't exist just for you to call them when you're bored, or back up your karaoke, or loan you their lipstick so you can write your phone number on Kevin's windshield. What the hell is wrong with you?!
Pam Staggs: [sobs] A lot of things. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what's the matter with me! I... my life is such a mess! I'm such a mess! You know my whole life, people always tried to put me way up here on one of those... Thingies, what do you call them? Those high things?
Frankie: Pedestals?
Pam Staggs: Yeah, those! But I-I don't belong up there. I belong down here because I am not perfect! You know, I had to move here from St. Louis because my husband left me. And he didn't even have the decency to cheat on me. He just didn't wanna be with me. And my son... Yeah, he's in South America, all right... Growing pot! Oh, you have no idea what a burden this money is, Frankie. You are so lucky that you have nothing. Don't you think that I would love to dye my hair in my bathroom like you do and then ride off into the sunset with my salty husband? Because I would, and I'd do it in a second. Another thing, you know, the only thing Pat Sajak said to me was, "You're standing in my light." I lied. I'm a liar. I'm just a beautiful... Wealthy liar!
Frankie: Pam, I-I am so sorry. I honestly had no idea. Oh, you've got a little snot thingie here. I'll get you a Kleenex.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Why isn't this happening? Oh, my God. Maybe you do think I'm hideous.
Devin: Yeah, I do. You disgust me. I can't stand blue eyes, especially when they have that stupid gold fleck in the corner. Your thick curly hair makes me wanna heave, and I hate your smile. You smile like you're embarrassed, you look down like you're shy, and it makes me wanna kiss you, and I don't really want to want to kiss anybody right now, okay? You can get that, can't you? Jeez.
Quote from Brick
[Sue is playing her oboe in her bedroom]
Brick: You take away my noisy toys and this, you're allowing? Very inconsistent parenting, is all I'm saying.
Quote from Frankie
Pam Staggs: My glass is empty, Kevin. You promised me this wasn't gonna happen. Oh, my God, Frankie. You forget what Orson's like.
Frankie: Yeah.
Pam Staggs: It's so much slower. Everything moves fast in St. Louis. I mean, if you don't get into T.G.I. Fridays by 6:00, you're not getting in. Anyway, what were we talking about?
Frankie: The Wheel.
Pam Staggs: You know what? I'm tired of talking about the Wheel anymore and all the money I won from solving "pardon my French" with only two letters. Let's talk about us!
Frankie: Mm.
Pam Staggs: We didn't have any classes together, did we?
Frankie: Oh, I don't really remember... seven! History, English, biology...
Pam Staggs: Oh! So we both had Mr. Todd for biology. "Todd The Bod." Did he hit on you? 'Cause he hit on all the girls.
Frankie: No, he didn't hit on me. But I sat in the back of the class, so...
Pam Staggs: Oh! Remember that wild party Nick Saltzman had where we all had to run away from the cops?
Frankie: I don't recall being invited to that. But I think I had mono anyway.