Frankie: Oh, Brick, can I ask you something? [sighs] When you have kids, is there anything you'd do as a parent that would be different from what I did?
Brick: Well, I wouldn't take home the wrong baby.
Frankie: Okay, technically, that was your dad. I was whacked out on pain meds.
Brick: You do kind of appease us with television. Oh, and I'd be sure to provide nutritious, home-cooked meals.
Frankie: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Brick: And sometimes you make us feel like anytime we ask you to do something, it's a chore for you. I wouldn't do that. And, you know, you're not very organized.
Frankie: Yeah, Sue already said "not organized." I got that one.
Brick: And I would definitely insist on everyone getting the same chair. Is that the kind of thing you were looking for?
Frankie: Yeah, that's great. That's perfect. Is there anything you would do the same?
Brick: Um... Can I get back to you on that?

Mike: [on the phone] So, listen, I was trying to make a reservation online, but I clicked on some Teddy bear, and now I'm not sure...
Cashier: Oh, yes, I see you ordered the "Give me liber-tea" deluxe 10-piece tea set. Is there a problem with it?
Mike: Yeah, there is. The problem is I didn't mean to order it. I want to cancel the tea set.
Cashier: Are you a registered member of our Chamomile Club?
Mike: Do I sound like I'd be a registered member of your Chamomile Club?
Cashier: Just go back, register as a member, click on the previous orders, fill in the form with your address, and they'll send you a shipping label to mail it back. I know you can do it. My grandma's made a reservation online.
Mike: Oh, great. Can you give me her number?

Axl: What is this, a hallway dork summit?
Sue: No, Dad is counting on us to deliver a present, and we've got bupkis, so we need to have a secret emergency meeting in my room right now.
Axl: Well, too bad, suckas. I already got my present.
Sue: A coupon book? Aren't you a little old for free hugs?
Axl: Oh, this is much more than that. I've got a "one not put the milk back with just a little bit in it," I got "a week of not calling Mom gross and old," and a "hold in one fart at the meal of your choice... holidays excluded."
Sue: Pbht! That's your gift? Not acting like a jerk? Dad is gonna kill you.
Axl: [laughing] Okay. [sighs] Yeah, I need back in.

Cashier: Happy Mother's Day.
Mike: Uh, we have a reservation for Heck.
Cashier: Um... I don't think so.
Mike: No, there's got to be. Check again.
Cashier: No, sorry. Did you use our online reservation?
Mike: Yeah. Many times. And I didn't want to have to throw my weight around here, but I'm now a premium member of the Chamomile Club, so I would think that would get me immediate seating.
Cashier: Did you print the confirmation e-mail?
Mike: [sighs] Okay, look. Um... [clears throat] here's the deal. I've got a very bad track record with Mother's Day... Inflatable foot baths, yellow pants, you get the idea. I really need this one to go my way. You get me?
Cashier: I'd love to, but we're full. But good news, your two tea sets are ready to be picked up at the gift shop.
Mike: Two? Jim.
Cashier: I can put you on our waiting list.
Mike: Uh, how long's the wait?
Cashier: Should be about 45 minutes.
Mike: [sighs] [turns to Frankie and Pat] It should be about 10 minutes.

Mike: Well, here we are, having tea on Mother's Day, just like you wanted.
Axl: Uh, excuse me. Could we get some buffalo wings for the table? Spicy or mild, maybe half and half?
Sue: Axl!
Axl: Oh, sorry, Mom. It's your day. Spicy or mild?
Mike: Great. Now we just need five more of those.
Waitress: That's for the whole table.
Mike: Oh. [all go to grab food]
Waitress: No, no. You have to wait for the tea.

Pat: Well, thank you. So, uh, what did you kids get for your mom?
Axl: Oh, actually... Uh... [clicks tongue] It's a coupon book! You're welcome.
Frankie: [chuckles] Oh. Aww, look at that. One "won't scratch my junk in front of company." Really?
Axl: Happy Mother's Day.

Brick: Oh, Mom, I thought of another one. Whenever I tell you a story about me, you always spin it into a story about you.
Axl: Kkkt!
Sue: Oh, wait. Is this all because I called you disorganized? [voice breaking] Oh, no. Because I think you're the best mom ever! I want to be just like you, except, you know, maybe I'd make sure there was food in the fridge for my kids' lunches. But that's all!
Frankie: [sobs] No, Sue, you were right. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I... Why can't I get it together? I didn't even get you a present! I forgot! Those salad hands weren't for you. They were for me. Janet gets you a sweater, and I just get you a big, fat nothing. Why are my expectations for Mother's Day so high? [Mike walks away] It's just a day! Who cares?! I do the same thing on New Year's Eve. "Oh, everybody put your hats on. We have to count down-" "Just shut up, Frankie!"
Sue: [sobs] Don't shut up.

Mike: Since when do you drink tea?
Frankie: [scoffs] You know, I have a whole other life that you don't even know about, okay? I like tea.
Mike: Fine. I'll take care of it. Quick question... do I have to go?
Frankie: Yes.
Mike: Good, 'cause I want to go.

Sue: So, mom, if you were to win the lottery for, say, 15 bucks, what would you splurge on?
Frankie: $15, huh? Yikes. You got to get your dad to chip in.
Sue: Yeah.

Mike: [on the phone] Yeah, I'm calling 'cause I want to make a reservation for six for this Sunday.
Cashier: For our Mother's Day afternoon tea? Oh, you'll have to do that online.
Mike: Oh, but can't you just do it?
Cashier: We don't take phone reservations.
Mike: But I'm talking to you right now. If... if you don't take reservations, why did you even pick up the phone?
Cashier: To answer questions.
Mike: Okay, here's a question. Can I have a reservation for six this Sunday?
Cashier: No, see, we like to route everybody online. We find it much more convenient that way. Oh, I see someone just took a table for six. Was that you?
Mike: No. I mean, yes. Yep, that was me.
Cashier: I think you'll find it much more convenient to just get online.