Sue: Could you moan more softly, please? Oh, God, I am crashing, Axl, and I'm crashing hard. I rode the caffeine pony, and it took me to the depths of hell.
Axl: Sue, you drank coffee for two days. I'm having a real crisis here. I've got till midnight to decide what I'm doing with the rest of my life.
Sue: Do you want to talk about it over coffee? Oh! I can't. I'm seven hours clean. Here, I'll... I'll just hold an empty mug.
Axl: Seriously, Sue, what should I do?
Sue: No one can tell you. You got to figure out what you want.
Axl: Oh, everybody's always telling me what to do, but now I want them to tell me what to do, and nobody will.
Sue: Wait a minute. There's a resource that's perfect for this. It can help you find out about yourself and help you with career choices. Oh, yeah! kickinitteenstyle.com. [Axl groans]

Sue: Okay, question 3. "You're late to a party. Do you, A) take your pink sweater, B) your boyfriend's arms will keep you warm, or C) you have five sweaters to pick from, and you've known for weeks which one you're wearing?"
Axl: "D) This party sounds lame. I'm not going."
Sue: Look, do you want to pick a major or not? "Now, which 1D lyrics are you most likely to hang on your wall?"

Axl: Ah! Dude, the union was crazy. Everyone in line was all stressed out, like, "Oh, my God. What am I gonna do? I got to pick a major." It's like, "Relax, nerds. School just started." I mean, why do we got to worry about this now?
Hutch: [chuckles] Yeah. We don't have to declare a major till Friday.
Axl: Wait. This Friday? Aw, crap. Guess we better stop slacking off. All right. [snaps fingers] What do you say we grab a quick nap, then slap six majors up on a dartboard and pick whatever we hit? Boob Doctor will be the bull's-eye.
Hutch: Nah, I already picked my major... engineering.
Axl: What? Since when?
Hutch: Since freshman year. No, actually, I've wanted to be an engineer since I was 10. Got my next three years all laid out.
Axl: You were being responsible behind my back? Who are you, man?
Hutch: A badass future engineer.

Frankie: Hey! How'd it go today?
Brick: I tried to talk to a girl with a really high forehead. It did not go great.
Frankie: Mm. Well, you just got to keep trying. And before you know it, y... Brick, you're not even looking at me. Why are you looking at behind me?
Brick: I was just thinking... I've always liked that cow painting.
Frankie: [sighs] See, this is what I'm talking about. If you want to make friends, you got to make eye contact. You have to engage people. Think of it like you're on a talk show. You know, actors go on there, and they're always selling themselves and interacting and being funny. You know what? Let's... let's practice. [vocalizing talk-show theme music] Welcome to The Heck Family Talk Show. I'm your host, Frankie Heck. And I'd like to introduce my first guest, Brick Heck. [imitates cheering] So, Brick, what's this I hear about a girl with a high forehead?
Brick: She sits next to me in wood shop.
Frankie: Oh. Wood shop? I'll bet there's a good story there.
Brick: Well, we're making spice racks, and I asked her to pass me a sheet of 40-grit ultra-coarse sandpaper. I thought that would open up a dialogue between us, but I was wrong.

Frankie: Well, look who's here. It's Axl and the Ax-Men. They're always charming. We're doing a talk show to help Brick. Why don't you guys have a seat?
Axl: Um, 'cause we're not lame.
Darrin: [chuckles] I think we should do it. Could be good exposure for the band.

Frankie: So, what's going on with you, Axl?
Axl: Well, picked a new major.
Frankie: Great. I think our audience would be very interested in hearing about that.
Axl: Yep, I went with engineering 'cause, uh, Hutch is doing it, so I figured we could do it together. Plus, I like trains, so...
Mike: It's got nothing to do with trains.
Axl: Uh, I think it does.
Mike: Uh, I know it doesn't. Engineers are the guys that build bridges and buildings.
Axl: Oh, my God! That's an engineer? Why don't they just call things what they are? Bridge builders and building builders.
Brick: That's just embarrassing.
Darrin: And it's on TV.

Sue: Oh! Hey, guys! Hi, Darrin! What's going on?
Frankie: We're doing a talk show.
Sue: [gasps] Ooh! Let me get coffee. Guests on talk shows always have coffee.

Sue: Okay, I'm ready.
Frankie: Sorry, Sue. You're getting bumped.
Sue: What? I didn't even get to talk!
Frankie: We're out of time. We got to go to commercial. [incidental music plays as the show fades to black]

Frankie: [v.o.] So, Brick was determined to go stag to the fall fantasy dance... The fantasy being that this was a good idea.
Mike: Show us your cellphone.
Brick: Mm.
Mike: Any holes in your pockets?
Brick: No.
Mike: Now show us your ticket. And show us your cellphone again. [Brick sighs] Okay. You're good.
Brick: Oh. One last thing. Can you teach me how to dance?
Frankie: Now? Why did you wait till the last minute?
Brick: Well, it just occurred to me that this dance might include dancing.

Frankie: Well, hey, Brick, you're already a better dancer than your dad.
Mike: Standing right here.
Frankie: Thanks, Mom.
Brick: Oh! Forgot my breath mints. That could have been a real turnoff to a girl. Whoop!