Sue: Look what I got at practice today. My cross-country phone tree, my cross-country schedule, and my cross-country sportsmanship agreement, which I have to sign and return. Wow. There's so many papers to sign when you're on a sport.
Frankie: You just stick that schedule up on the cupboard, girl.
Sue: I finally have something to put on the cupboard besides my braces tightening schedule. I guess I'll just have to move Axl's football schedule over. After all, we do have two athletes in the family now. First meet is on the 2nd.

Mike: What kind of team schedules something the same day as homecoming? It doesn't make any sense.
Frankie: Right? I mean, come on. Axl finally makes varsity. Sue finally makes... anything! And they're both at the same time? Why does the universe do this to us?
Mike: The universe took a look at all this and had to take us down a peg.
Frankie: Yeah, well... We got two events, two parents. We'll just have to divide and conquer, I guess.
Mike: Ugh. All right. I'll take football.
Frankie: Wh... no way. Why do you get football?
Mike: I'm a guy.
Frankie: Oh, come on. Cross-country's a sport, too.
Mike: Is it? They run into the woods and come out two hours later. Lost dogs do the same thing.

Frankie: [v.o.] So while Mike was dealing with Brick, I was trying to forget about homecoming, which, for some reason, was not easy.
Mr. Ehlert: How do I look, Bob?
Bob: Actually, sir, I think you're supposed to drive, and the homecoming queen sits back there.
Mr. Ehlert: Does the homecoming queen own a car dealership and two pawnshops? I'm the big dog around here! I can sit wherever I want.

Frankie: [sighs] So, listen, I'm really sorry I'm gonna have to miss homecoming.
Axl: Whatevs.
Frankie: [sighs] Are you okay? 'Cause if you're upset about this, maybe you should tell Sue. Just, you know, tell her how you wanted me to walk you onto that field your whole life, and you'll be really disappointed if you have to go out there without me.
Axl: Okay. Well, first of all, maybe you're right that I'll be disappointed, but I don't think so, and, second of all, no.
Frankie: Well, why don't you just get up off the couch and yell something, like, "My, God, mom! It would break my heart that my very own mother won't be at the biggest day of my life!" Then storm into your room, and I'll do the rest.
Axl: Ugh.
Frankie: Okay, you don't have to say "disappointed." You can put it in your own words. "Crushed," "bogus," "lame-o"... Whatever feels comfortable.

Frankie: What's that smirk about?
Mike: I got you an early birthday gift.
Frankie: Well, you didn't get me anything last year, so technically it's late, but what do you got?
Mike: I took care of it. I talked to Sue's coach and got him to move cross-country a half-hour earlier so you can do both. You're welcome.
Frankie: Oh, my God! Mike! How?
Mike: There's not much you can't accomplish in this town with a case of beer and a wheel of cheese.

Frankie: Oh, seriously? I can do both? I can really do both? Oh! You are a hero.
Mike: That's the word I was gonna use. See, I'm a doer, Frankie. While you talk, talk, talk, I get it done. Talker. Doer. Just like this thing with Brick. I put him outside and told him to work. That out there is a man in the making.
Frankie: Yeah, well, your man in the making just climbed into a trash bag.
Mike: Jeez. Brick! Come on. Get out of there. Thattaboy. He's out.

Frankie: [v.o.] And so Brick continued to rake the leaves... day after day after day. He organized them by color. He made sure he got every one.
Brick: It's almost ready! [blows]
Frankie: [v.o.] He did his job... with extraordinary attention to detail.
Brick: This one doesn't match any of our trees. I'll return it to the neighbors.
Frankie: [v.o.] And just when Mike had about given up...
Brick: I finished.
Mike: Really?
Brick: Yep.
Mike: Oh. [sighs] You did it. Took you 11 days to do a job that should take an hour, but you did it. All by yourself. Doesn't it feel good?
Brick: It really does.
Mike: You're growing up fast, Brick. Really fast.
Brick: I know. Can you tie my shoe?

Mr. Ehlert: Ah, ya flooded it, you dizzy broad. Now we're screwed. Well, don't just sit there. Get out and push.

Bob: Hey! Mike. Brickster.
Mike: Oh, Bob. You found us.
Bob: Great game, huh? Yeah, we're gonna crush them to smithereens. Orson rules! Yeah! Ah-ooh-gah! Ow! Ow! Yeah, baby! Whoo!
Mike: You're really going to town there, huh?
Bob: Oh. Sorry about that.
Mike: That's okay.
Bob: Yeah, you know, big weekend for an alum. Gettin' fired up. Gettin' psyched. Oh, the times I had here.
Mike: You didn't go here.
Bob: No. I was homeschooled.

Frankie: [v.o.] Where was I? I was at a place that people from the boonies refer to as the sticks.