Frankie: I brought my best, and you didn't even notice.
Mike: Oh, boy.
Frankie: I made everyone's favorite mashed potatoes, I put on makeup, I tried to start a conversation... Hell, I even stayed in my nice pants instead of throwing on sweats even though these are cutting into my side. But did I make a big deal about it? No.
Axl: Kind of are now.
Frankie: I tried to be a tiny ember, but you people just stomped me right out! Well, forget it. I am not gonna try for people who don't try back. So let's just all park ourselves on the couch and stick our hands down our pants and scratch until the cows come home, 'cause I'm done. [storms off]
Mike: Well... sooner I go, the sooner I get this over with.

Frankie: Really? A recruiter is coming to our house? Is this real? Is this really real? So help me, if you're lying about this, Axl, I will punch you in the throat.
Mike: Wait, when's he coming? Tuesday's good. That way you can talk about the Monday night game. No, wait-- Friday. That way he's thinking about you the rest of the weekend. Oh, damn it. Now I can't make up my mind.
Frankie: Oh, my God. Someone could help us pay for Axl's college. Mike, this means we might be able to retire in our early 90s. I love you.
Mike: Sports hug!

Mike: Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Frankie: Mind if we chat a minute?
Axl: Oh, no. No! Go away. I don't need you. Don't worry about the interview. I got it covered.
Frankie: Do you, Axl? This is huge. Now this recruiter is not just looking at football. He's gonna be looking to see whether you're the kind of kid they want at their school.
Axl: Duh. I know how to behave in situations.
Mike: Oh, yeah? You once stuck gum to the side of a casket at a funeral. You're not allowed to "duh" us.
Axl: Aah! Stop with the lecture. This is torture.

Mike: Look, this is not just about you, Axl. In case you haven't noticed the sharp drop in caviar deliveries, money's tight. You getting a scholarship helps this whole family. So if you're not sure what to say, let us do the talking.
Axl: Oh, right, 'cause I can't be trusted. Who knows what I'll do? I'm an uncivilized caveman who- [farts] Sorry.
That only happened 'cause I was doing this. Chill, okay? I'll be ready for Thursday.
Mike: The interview's Wednesday.
Axl: Whatever! Wednesday!

Sue: Another Martini shaker. Ashtray. Bird lighter. Ooh. Jesus lighter. "I am the light of the world."
Brick: Toss it in my pile. I don't have a lighter yet.
Sue: [holds cell phone] Oh, wow. This is ancient, like, from the '90s.
Brick: [holds metronome] What's this? I think something to do with music, but I don't know.
Both: I want it! [cell phone rings]
Sue: [answers phone] Aunt Edie's phone. Well, we're not sure which candidate we'll be supporting, but we will certainly keep Bill Brodis in mind. [hangs up] The phone works. I have a phone that works. Oh! I have... I have a phone!
Brick: Correction: We have a phone.
Sue: No way. You got the tick-tock thing.
Brick: But you're getting one for your birthday.

Brick: I was reading in mom's bathroom when I overheard her say she's gonna give you her old phone as a present.
Sue: Oh, my God. I'm getting mom's old phone! Oh, but wait- That's in three months from now. I need to text Carly now.
Brick: Hey, I have phoning needs, too.
Sue: You have no friends. Who could you possibly need to call?
Brick: Sometimes the library has limited hours due to city budget restrictions.
Sue: Brick, you cannot debate me on who needs to be more reachable.
Brick: Fine, keep it. I'll just tell.
Sue: [gasps] Brick. What would Jesus lighter say?
Brick: Based on his philosophy of love, he'd say we should share. Every other day?
Sue: Okay. [they shake hands]

Frankie: Okay. Okay.
Jack Tracy: All right. Axl, let's get to it. I've seen you play, but tell me, what makes you a well-rounded fit for East Indiana State? I mean, we're not just a jock farm.
Frankie: Oh, Axl's a lot more than that. He's very into charity... And... Anything with... Africa.
Mike: And, well, you see, uh, Axl's really been gearing up for his future, and he has future goals about his college future.

Sue: Come on, Brick. It's my turn.
Brick: I've still got ten seconds left. [metronome ticks] [phone rings] See? Glad I held on to it. Could be the dog people. "Alert from Indiana Mobile. You have exceeded your monthly text plan. A $68.34 overage will be added to your next bill." You're right. [throws phone to Sue] You're older. You should have the phone.
Sue: No way. That text came in your watch. [they throw the phone back and forth] Oh, no.
Brick: What?
Sue: Mom pays Aunt Edie's bills. We are gonna get so busted. Ugh, I can't believe it. I was just three months away from having my own phone, and now Mom is never gonna let me have it. I can't go back to a landline. I just can't! It's like being chained to a wall. What are we gonna do, Brick? Oh, my God. This is terrible. I can't believe it. [phone rings]
Brick: It's my guitar teacher. I gotta take this. [answers phone] Y-ello?

Sales Clerk: Oh, I think I found you, and yes, you did go over your text allowance this month. You sent 743 texts, and you were allowed... one.
Sue: Guess I was really "blowing up" this month. Okay. This is... Exactly $48.92.
Brick: Plus this vintage bird lighter, which has gotta be worth at least 20 bucks.
Sue: Oh, and also, I'd like to turn in my phone.
Sales Clerk: Oh, turn in or trade in? 'Cause it says here you're eligible for a free second phone if you sign up for the two year family plan. It's only $5 a month.
Sue: Really?
Brick: Sue, we're stealing from our aunt, we're lying to our parents... We're in too deep on this. We gotta get out.
Sales Clerk: Did I mention you'll also receive an international charger and a handy belt clip?
Brick: Now when you say "international," does that include Canada and Puerto Rico?

Frankie: Let's talk. So you told the recruiter you were interested in studying international business?
Axl: Stop it. I was in school all day. Brain, off.
Mike: Isn't that the normal setting?