Hutch: Man, you must've had some wild night last night. Tiny question... What's with the bag of hair?
Axl: Ugh. Weird Ashley. [groans] [sighs] Yeah. Weird Ashley was there, Cassidy was there, Devin was there...
Hutch: Okay, Dorothy. How much green beer did you drink?
Axl: No, seriously, man, they were all there. It was freaky. I had to get out of there, so I told them all I was getting us beers, beat my way out of the crowd with this giant shamrock and never looked back. I mean, what are the odds all my ex-girlfriends would show up at the same party?
Hutch: Wow! Don't you get it? It's a sign. The universe is clearly trying to tell you something.
Axl: What?
Hutch: I don't know. Could be about love, could be you're supposed to pick one of 'em. But you'll never know, my friend, because you bolted before the universe could give you the answer.
Axl: So, what do I do now?
Hutch: Only one thing to do. Toss this nasty hair bag and seek the guidance of a higher power.
Axl: So, we're watching Matthew McConaughey in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past?
Hutch: Unless you got a better idea.

Devin: What the hell are you drinking, Heck?
Axl: It's called a White Peach Bellini.
Devin: Ooh. You drink girly drinks now? Clearly, without my guidance you've gone off the rails. [drinks]

Devin: Uh, so, what's going on? I haven't seen you in a year, then I run into you at a party, and now you wanna get drinks?
Axl: Uh, yeah. Well, you know, this might sound kinda strange, but, um, I've got some questions about...
the universe.
Devin: Ah, universe questions. Bring it.
Axl: Okay, great. So, when we were going out, uh, I don't know, it seemed like we were pretty good together.
I mean, we both liked to hang, and we both liked to dip our fries in mustard, we were both awesome at sports.
Devin: I'm better.
Axl: Debatable. So, why did we break up again?
Devin: Uh, you tell me. Did we, even? I mean, I know we talked about seeing other people, but I thought we we'd still hang out and watch football, maybe mess around a little, but you didn't text or anything. Kinda seemed like you were sending me a message.
Axl: No! No, no, no, no, no. There's no message there. I am not that deep.
Devin: Okay, a little advice If you really wanted to see me, you knew where I lived!
Axl: Well, how was I supposed to know that? If I did, maybe it would've...
Devin: Hey, if the Seahawks had handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch at the one-yard line, they could've won the Super Bowl, but, you know, whatever. Hindsight's 20/20, right? [goes to playfully punch Axl] Oh, right. Other arm. [playfully punches Axl]

Axl: Oh, uh, it's a blood orange martini. I asked for a beer, but the guy brought me this. [chuckles]
Cassidy: Well, college is a time to experiment. So, wow. Here we are. Why are we here, exactly?
Axl: Yeah, I'm just trying to figure some stuff out. You're kind of the first girl I ever really fell for, and it was pretty intense. I mean, we were, like, pretty much opposites, but we managed to make it work for a while, right? Why couldn't we make it work?
Cassidy: Well, for one, we were a thousand miles apart.
Axl: Actually, we were 827. I should know. I drove 409 of them.
Cassidy: Wait, what? What are you talking about?
Axl: Yeah, um, actually, freshman year, I, uh, drove up to Vassar to see you, but I stopped halfway and turned around and came home.
Cassidy: Why did you turn around?
Axl: I don't know. I guess I just kinda freaked. Thought you might not want to see me.
Cassidy: See, that's kind of the problem, Axl. You were never clear about what you wanted.
Axl: Well, I think driving halfway to your dorm without ever telling you sent a pretty strong-ish message. [chuckles]
Cassidy: Look, that's all water under the bridge. So, how are you doing? I mean, you got divorced?
Axl: [clears throat] Yeah, it's kinda weird. But I'm still dating my ex-wife, so that's cool. Uh, and I made the Dean's list this year... of, um, people graduating.

Ashley: I've been watching what's been going on. I know I'm next. Ask me whatever you want. And I brought you a drink.
Axl: Yeah, I'm not drinking that.
Ashley: I wouldn't.
Axl: Actually, no, you know what? Now that you're here, I-I do have a question. Um, why do you like me? It doesn't seem like I'd be your type.
Ashley: I'll always be here, in this lifetime and the next, for eternity.
Axl: But I don't get it. Why are you wasting your time on me when there's probably some other guy, or merman, who'd be perfect for you? I mean, I've been telling you for a long time nothing's ever gonna happen between us.
Ashley: No, you haven't. You never told me you didn't like me.
Axl: I didn't?
Ashley: No. You took me to prom twice.
Axl: Um...
Ashley: If you didn't want to be with me, why didn't you just say so? You're not very clear with your signals, Axl. Maybe you should just sit here and think about all the pain you've caused me. And I hope it's reflected in my tip.

Brick: Hello, Mother. Anything you'd like to, uh, tell me?
Frankie: [sings] H-Happy birthday...
Brick: That was five months ago. No, it's something else, something more revealing, something very interesting I found in my microfiche from 1983.
Mike: More interesting than the hat in the tree?
Brick: Yes. My mother - your wife - was arrested for indecent exposure. It was all right there in the Herald.
Frankie: [laughs] Oh, my God, I forgot about that. Oh, Brick, it was nothing. When we were seniors, my friends and I went streaking through the Denny's parking lot. Eh, we thought it was funny. Just a harmless high school prank. We didn't think we'd get caught.
Mike: Who would've thought there'd be cops at Denny's?
Frankie: Well, it was quite the scandal at the time. The whole town was talking about it.
Brick: Well, don't you worry that it could come back to haunt you? I mean, anyone with a microfiche machine can see this.

Sue: I mean, this is the third time he showed up to take me to a dance. I just feel bad because I never end up going with him. He's always so nice. He was the first person to tell me he liked my hair after I cut it.
Tyler: Sean sounds like a great guy.
Sue: Oh, super great. I just hope he's not hurt. He drove such a long way, and it was such a nice gesture. No, a nice gesture is if you drive an hour. I don't know what you call a gesture after five hours. Did I tell you it was five hours?
Tyler: You know, you've been talking an awful lot about Sean.
Sue: Have I?
Tyler: Sue, remember how Julia broke up with me because I was talking about you all the time? It kinda feels like there's somebody you'd rather be going to this ball with.
Sue: What? No, no, no, no, no. I really like you. That's why I asked you and everything. I just didn't realize Sean would even want to come. I mean, he is a very social guy, and he does love to dance. One time at our block party-
Tyler: Sue, if you want Sean to take you, it's not too late.
Sue: Oh, no, no, no, no. Tyler, I really couldn't do that to you.
Tyler: No, really, it's cool. I'm not just saying this to be nice. I mean, yeah, I like you, but we've only been dating for three weeks and it's mostly been hauling around drunks. I don't wanna be competing with some other guy already. So I think if you like this Sean, you should probably go talk to him and figure that out.
Sue: Oh, my God. Do you think?
Tyler: Yeah.
Sue: I mean, we've known each other our whole lives. But, no, he's already in Orson, and he's going back to Notre Dame.
Tyler: Orson's only 42 minutes away. You- You told me that a lot, too.

Brick: Ooh. How's that?
Frankie: If we don't do something with butts, then I don't know what we're doing here.
Brick: This is so epic. Years from now, I'll be telling the story about how I pulled a prank with my parents!
Mike: You might wanna leave the parents part out.
Brick: Oh, wait. I've got one. "Cake beak pan farts."
Frankie: [laughing] Okay.
Reverend Hayver: I like, "Pancake breakfast Saturday."

Axl: Devin? Whoa! Hey! Haven't seen you in like, a year.
Devin: Yeah. Where've you been, man? I stopped by your place once, but it was all nice, so I knew you couldn't be living there anymore.
Axl: Wow, you -- you did?
Devin: Yeah. How come you didn't tell me you moved? [playfully punches Axl]
Axl: Ow! Well... [laughs] I did. I moved. I'm living in a Winnebago now.
Devin: Wait a minute. The infamous 'Bago parties, that's you?
Axl: Guilty. [chuckles]
Devin: Why'd you never invite me? You know I'm always good for a six-pack!
Axl: Oh, my God! This is, like, so wild. I mean, I haven't seen you in, like, forever. Then you just show up out of the blue.

Lexie: Axl?
Axl: Oh, God.
Lexie: Wow! Hey! What are you doing here? I thought that seniors didn't come to this party.
Axl: Well, I am certainly regretting it. [chuckles]
Devin: And who's this?
Axl: This is Lexie, Sue's roommate. You look good.
Lexie: Thank you.
Axl: I mean, uh, [laughs] not just you. You're not the only one that looks good. You all look good! Everybody looks good!