Frankie: What is the matter with you?
Mike: I'm sorry. I just don't like people making a big deal over me or talking about me or thinking about me. Now I got to get a new barber, and I liked this guy, too. I'd just gotten him to stop making small talk.
Frankie: Okay, I know I'm married to a man with the emotional capacity of a garden gnome, so I'm used to the disappointment. But Sue isn't. She's really hurting.
Mike: Ah, she didn't look that upset.
Frankie: [scoffs] Because she was pretending everything was okay for your sake, which is what you should have been doing for her.
Mike: Oh, you're just being dramatic. She's fine. And just to be clear, that kitten video... that just popped up when I was researching granite prices, so we're not gonna go sharing that with anybody.

Sue: Uh-oh. Frosting emergency? I think you have a back-up can in the medicine cabinet.
Frankie: No, I'm looking for something else. And don't say "back-up can" like it's a regular thing. I can stop whenever I want. Hey, have you seen anything around the house recently that looks like I might have hidden it?
Sue: [gasps] Ooh, is it for Dad's birthday?
Frankie: No, this is for something important. Axl's graduating in a few weeks, and I can't find the present I got him. I was in a store, like, a year ago, and I stumbled across this thing... It was touching, it was sentimental, it was the perfect gift.
Sue: So what is it?
Frankie: I don't remember. I mean, it was like yea big or yea big. I don't know. I threw it in here somewhere, but I... Ooh, my back-up cookies. Shut up.

Sue: So regarding things we can remember, what are we doing for Dad's birthday?
Frankie: [scoffs] I'm not wasting any energy on that guy. You know he's the least-fun birthday person ever. He doesn't want to be sung to. He doesn't want any presents. I'm just gonna defrost that steak we got cheap at the Frugal Hoosier power-outage sale and leave him alone. He'll be happy.
Sue: Okay, we can't just not do anything. He sold his diaper business so I could go to school. Besides, when you're over 50, you have to cherish every birthday.
Frankie: What's that supposed to mean?
Sue: Nothing.
Frankie: I know what it means. Listen, where would I have hidden something that I know I could find, but nobody else would? The basement? No, I don't hide things in the basement. Or do I? [sighs] Don't turn over 50.

Sue: Mom, are you okay?
Frankie: Shh. I'm trying to picture the last place I saw Axl's present. And also what it was.
Sue: Okay, but did you get my e-mail? The subject line was, "Super Top Secret Do Not Open in Front of Dad."
Frankie: I don't read all your e-mails, Sue. You e-mail me a lot.
Sue: Well, I need you to read over these questions before I film you tomorrow.
Frankie: Film me? Wait, what exactly are you doing? I thought you were making him a glitter card or glitter cookies. You're so good with glitter.

Frankie: [gasps] Yes! Ha-ha! This is it. Now I remember. I was at the doughnut shop, and this new store, The Giftery, had opened next door. I was in there killing time, when I came across this absolutely perfect...
Brick: Shoe horn?
Frankie: No, no, no, it's not just a shoe horn. It's the "Busy Businessman's Luxury Shoe Care Kit." Oh, yeah, get it? 'Cause Axl's a business major. I remember thinking this would be symbolic for when he gets a job. I mean, it's got polish and a little applicator, and it comes in this handy carrying case. Yeah, this sucks. Ugh, crap. Now I got to get him something else. Oh, well, at least I got him a cute card a while ago.

Frankie: [v.o.] So we celebrated Mike's birthday just the way he wanted... I defrosted a steak, and he got to read Sports Illustrated at the table while the rest of us didn't talk.
Mike: Okay. You can speak.
Sue: Happy birthday, Dad. [squeals]
Mike: All righty.
Frankie: Wait, wait, wait. I got you a present.
Mike: You did? What for? I told you I didn't want anything.
Axl: And that's why I didn't get you anything. You're welcome, Dad. Consider Father's Day forgotten, too.
Mike: You're a good son.

Frankie: Are you seriously gonna argue with me? Just take it, you big party pooper. Happy birthday.
Mike: Okay.
Frankie: It is a gift. You open it.
Mike: Mm. The "Busy Business Man's Luxury Shoe Care Kit."
Axl: Ha! That sucks.
Mike: I love it. Did you keep the receipt?

Sue: Okay. Now if you would all focus your attention to the TV.
Mike: That I can do.
Sue: Sue Sue Heck Productions proudly presents...
Sue: [on TV] [up-tempo music plays] Good evening. I'm Sue Heck. And this is a celebration of Michael Heck. It all began here in 1963, the year this wonderful man, a man who means so much to the world, was born. [baby cries]
Sue: [chuckles] I couldn't find a baby picture of you.

[on Sue's birthday video for Mike:]
Dave: If Mike were a flavor of ice cream, he'd be... vanilla.
Nancy: Vanilla.
Frankie: Vanilla, clearly.
Brick: Vanilla.
Barber: Vanilla.
Axl: Show me vanilla!

George: [on TV] Uh, I'm based in the corporate office, so I don't really know Mike Heck that well, which kind of makes it hard for me to share my favorite, uh, "Mike moment."
Mike: Sue, that's my boss.
Sue: Surprise.
Nancy: [on TV] My favorite Mike moment is, sometimes, when he's getting out of his car, he pretends like he doesn't hear me calling from my yard, and he just walks into his house. [laughs] Hilarious.
Jim: [on TV] I have so many Mike moments, it's hard to pick. Well, not a lot of people know this, but Mike loves cats. One time, I came into the trailer on a break, and Mike was watching this video of kittens befriending a bunny rabbit.
Mike: Okay, that's enough. [video fast forwards] I get the gist.
Sue: Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Uh, there's, like, 15 more minutes left. Brad does a special poem, and the bagger at Frugal Hoosier had a really funny story. You're gonna miss it.
Mike: Yeah, well. [gets up and removes the disc] Here you go. [hands Sue the disc] What do you want me to do with this?
Brick: Well, the shoe kit's looking better.