Sue: So, listen, after we're done here, before we go to church, I want us all to take a picture in Mom and Dad's bed, wearing Santa hats.
Axl: Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Sue: Axl, you have to. I want to post it so that when everyone wakes up, they will see it on Christmas morning. It'll be iconic.
Mike: Who's everyone, and why do they need to see us when they wake up?
Sue: Dad, if you need me to explain it to you, you don't get it.
Mike: I don't get it, and I don't want it explained to me.

Frankie: Look at us, Mike. What are we doing? Even if we get out the door right now, it's gonna be a nightmare. We're gonna end up in the second overflow with the cinder-block walls. To be honest, it's like church jail. Maybe we should just not go.
Mike: Are you serious? 'Cause once this thing's off, it's off.
Frankie: Yeah. I'm calling it.
Mike: Guys! Get in here! Your mom says we don't got to go to church this year.
Sue: Not go to church? Can we do that? [gasps] Maybe we should ask God for a sign.
Frankie: Here's our sign, Sue. [holds up a bra]
Axl: Ho ho! Awesome! It's been real. See you guys New Year's Day!
Frankie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just 'cause I said we're not going to church doesn't mean we're not going to church. There's plenty of channels that offer a Christmas Eve service, so we'll stay at home and watch it on TV.
Sue: Okay.
Frankie: And everybody wears pants! [Axl groans]

Frankie: Hey, Mike, listen. I was thinking, and you know what? We can't do a little-kid Christmas, but we could do a big-kid Christmas. We could give Christmas a little zhuzh. Do you know what zhuzhing is? It's like giving it a little kick in the pants. So, let's just take advantage of the fact that the kids are older. We could have a cocktail party on Christmas Eve... just us and the Donahues. So, instead of serving hot cocoa, we could do mixed drinks. And instead of these crappy ornaments that the kids made in school, I could hang seashells and have a beach-themed tree. So, it would still be magic, just adult magic. That sounded dirty, but you know what I mean. A-A-And instead of giving out toys, we could just do a Yankee Swap with adult toys... not adult toys. Toys that adults would like... that are not sexual.

Frankie: It's fun, and we're doing it, so everybody has to buy something Christmasy and wrap it up.
Brick: I get to buy my own present and wrap it up?
Frankie: That's what I said.
Brick: By myself, using paper, tape, and... scissors? Am I allowed to use scissors? Can I do that?
Frankie: Go to town.
Brick: Well, now you've made it interesting.

Frankie: [sighs] I still have so much to do. I got to run out and buy wrapping paper, I got to get out the dancing Santa, I got to set up the Christmas village. Although I don't know why I bother. The only one who even notices is Axl, and that's just so he can put the villagers in compromising positions.

Frankie: Okay, look, we're parked in the loading zone, so let's wrap it up. What do we think, hmm?
Sue: Sparkly one!
Brick: Snow tree.
Axl: Whatever gets us out of here!
Mike: As it's been since biblical times, 50% off wins.

Sue: Axl! Mom says she's not getting sucked into all the trappings.
Axl: What?
Sue: She says she's not doing Christmas.
Axl: Whoa! Whoa! [laughing] Whoa, whoa. I'm pretty sure there's a law that says I have to get presents on Christmas.
Frankie: Relax. You're all getting presents. I'm just not gonna spend all my time running around decorating and wrapping and being so miserable, I don't enjoy Christmas.
Axl: This is weird. You're being weird.