Pat: Frankie, why don't you let 'em open their presents?
Frankie: Because I told you we were doing a simple Christmas!
Pat: [scoffs] Well, I didn't think you meant us, too.
Frankie: Oh, you knew I meant you, too, and you ignored me! You've been winking and waving at me all over the place since you got here!
Pat: Well, I am sorry, Frankie, but there is no way I was participating in that insanity. A simple Christmas is just really a lame idea. [Frankie gasps]
Tag: I told you not to tell her that.
Pat: Well, you don't cut back at Christmas. It's Christmas!
Frankie: Who are you people? When I was a kid, for my allowance, I got one cent for every year of my life. That means when I was 12, I got 12 pennies, Mom. 12 pennies!
Pat: Well, back then, we were parents. Now we're grandparents. We have to be grand. It's in the title!
Tag: There ain't no pockets in heaven.

Darrin: Rudolph always made me sad, you know? They wouldn't ever let him play any reindeer games. That's B.S., man.
Sean: Hey, if you're gonna feel bad for anyone in the Rudolph special, it's the Island of Misfit Toys. Train with the square wheels, that cowboy riding an ostrich, King Moonracer. Man, that place is depressing.
Axl: I agree with you on the depressing, but you're wrong about King Moonracer. He was not one of the misfit toys.
Sean: Yeah, he was. He was on the Island of Misfit Toys. Therefore, he's a toy.
Axl: The lion with the wings? He was the leader of the misfit toys... he wasn't one of them.
Sean: So you're telling me King Moonracer, this guy here, would willingly hang out with a bunch of unwanted toys when he didn't have to?
Darrin: Good point.
Axl: Think about the end of the special, when Santa delivers the misfit toys. Who's not in the bag? That's right... King Moonracer. Booyah!
Darrin: I guess that settles it.
Sean: Yeah, but they only show, like, five toys being dropped of. Just 'cause King Moonracer isn't one of them doesn't mean he's not a toy. I'm pretty sure that more than five toys get delivered on Christmas.
Axl: What is your problem, man? Why do you hate King Moonracer so much?
Sean: I don't hate him. He's one of my favorite toys.
Axl: Stop calling him a toy!

Frankie: So do you have a part?
Brick: I'm the wise man who brings frankincense to the baby Jesus. I really wanted myrrh. [whispers] Myrrh.

Mike: Hey, crazy.
Frankie: I'm a horrible, horrible person. It's Christmas, and I yelled at my parents!
Mike: Frankie, I told you, nobody should have their family in their house for 12 days. It goes against nature. It's why animals in the wild don't come home for Christmas.

Axl: Oh... my God! Can this night get any worse?
Frankie: I had to water down the cocoa 'cause we're low on milk, and don't eat the snowman cookies 'cause they're rank for some reason, but it's all good 'cause we are gonna watch White Christmas!
Sue: [gasps] Oh, is it starting?! Can you turn it up louder?
Axl: Oh, my God. This movie's so old! What's a VistaVision?
[The characters in the movie speak German]
Frankie: What are they saying? Wait. How do you turn this to English?
Mike: Irving Berlin's Weisse Weihnachten? Frankie, you bought the thing in German.
Frankie: What? Oh, damn it! I knew 72 cents was too good of a deal.

Mike: Brick. You make your list for Santa?
Brick: What I really want this year is some answers. What's the true meaning of Christmas? Are we here for a reason? What is the purpose of life?
Mike: How about a bike?

Mike: That store was a zoo. Took me 45 minutes just to get somebody to help me. [Frankie sighs] What's with you?
Frankie: What's the point of Christmas?
Mike: What?
Frankie: I don't know if I can do it, Mike. I think I'm done.
Mike: Did you get into the eggnog already? There better be some left.
Frankie: No, it's just... Christmas is so overwhelming. What is the point of it all? I get the ladder, I climb up, I drag down all the decorations, I put them out everywhere. Week or two later, pack them up, lug them back up the ladder, put them away again. Why do I have to go to one store for wrapping paper and another store for bows? Why can't we just use the birthday wrapping paper? It's all just so tedious.
Mike: You know what? You're just in a funk. We'll get the tree up, and you'll get in the Christmas spirit. [opens the box and finds a pink Christmas tree top] Are you kidding me? I got to go back again?
Frankie: Make sure you tell them...
Mike: I know what to tell them!

Frankie: [sighs] Who am I kidding? There's no way I can try out for that solo.
Mike: Why not?
Frankie: Because a solo involves a lot of extra practices and I can't take that on now. It's Christmas, the most stressful holiday of the year.
Mike: I can do it.
Frankie: Do what?
Mike: Handle Christmas.
Frankie: Oh, right. You can handle Christmas? [chuckles] You can't handle Christmas.
Mike: All you gotta do is get organized. Your problem is you're not organized. You don't even make lists.
Frankie: Right, that's my problem. I'm not organized. I happen to have a pocketful of Post-its that says otherwise. Trust me, Mike, you have no idea what Christmas involves. There is shopping, wrapping, baking, taking the aunts to the assisted-living Christmas dance.
Mike: Sounds like a piece of cake. I'm on a holiday schedule till New Year's. Bring it on. What was the first thing? Shopping?

Sue: Oh, look! [sneezes] This one's my favorite!
Axl: [covers face with plastic lid] Do you mind? I have a few fun things I'm still allowed to go to, and I can't afford to get sick.
Sue: I'm not sick! [sneezes] Oh, I'm perfectly fine. I have no idea why I'm sneezing.
[When Axl holds a Christmas tree branch in front of Sue, she sneezes. Axl chuckles. After Axl grabs Sue and sticks pushes her face towards the tree, she sneezes. Axl repeats this twice to the same effect.]
Sue: Oh, no! I'm allergic to Christmas! [sneezes]

Sue: Oh, my God, call the police!
Frankie: What? What's going on?
Mike: What?
Sue: Somebody stole our Christmas tree!
Mike: Sue, calm down. Nobody stole anything. I took it to the curb.
Sue: What?! I love that tree! Why would you get rid of the tree?
Mike: Because it was slowly killing you?
Frankie: A-a-and think about it. Christmas isn't about the tree, right? It's about the spirit, and look. We decorated a new tree.
Sue: That's not a tree! Of course it is about the tree. There isn't one Christmas song that doesn't mention a tree. "Oh, Christmas plant"? I don't think so! Oh, my God. I ruined Christmas!