‘Christmas Help’
Season 4, Episode 9 - Aired December 5, 2012
As Christmas approaches, Frankie gets a job in a department store so she can buy presents with her employee discount. Mike helps his brother, Rusty (Norm Macdonald), move furniture, unaware Rusty doesn't actually own the items in question. Meanwhile, Reverend TimTom casts Brick in a nativity play and tasks Sue with baking cookies, while Axl moves into the garage.
Quote from Rusty
Frankie: [v.o.] Over the next few days, Mike's brother Rusty was at his most rustiest.
Rusty: [on answer machine] Oh, hey, Mike. I was on my way over to get that furniture, but then I realized I don't have any shoes. I'll keep you posted.
Rusty: [on machine] Hey, Mike. Good news. I got the truck. But then Dad asked me to help him pick up folding chairs at a funeral home in Lafayette. Bad news... we're stranded in Lafayette. I'll keep you posted.
Rusty: [on machine] Hey, sorry I haven't called in a few days. I lost your number, but then I found it. Anyway, today's not good. I'll keep you posted.
Quote from Axl
Mike: What are you doing?
Axl: Chillin' in my new crib.
Mike: Your "crib" is full of stolen furniture.
Axl: Hey! It's not stolen, 'cause Uncle Rusty called acey deucey. Now could you close the door, please? I'm not paying to heat the world.
Quote from Axl
Frankie: [v.o.] My hopes of a discount Christmas were fading fast. All I wanted to do was kick up my feet with a can of frosting. But Sue had already used up all my cabinet frosting. So I had to go deep into my reserves.
Frankie: Seriously?
Axl: Coming together, right? Masculine, yet with a touch of whimsy. Oh, your frosting's not there. I put that and your other stuff in the back, 'cause it was an eyesore. Oh, and, instead of a new amp for Christmas, I'd like an accent rug. You know, really help define the space.
Frankie: Yeah, well, don't get too comfy, 'cause it's all going back.
Axl: You know, that kind of attitude is why I moved out!
Quote from Rusty
Frankie: [v.o.] So while Axl was enjoying his uncle's stolen furniture, Mike was busy trying to return it.
Mike: What is this? How are you gonna take the furniture back in that clown car?
Rusty: Oh, I think if you stack it right...
Mike: Damn it, Rusty! You can't keep doing this! Enough! You're driving me crazy! You're irresponsible, unreliable. You're possibly a felon!
Rusty: Hey, hey, hey. I think you're being unreasonable. I spent the whole morning rounding this car up, putting $2 of gas in it, which I'm not even gonna charge you for. A "thank you" might be nice.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Well, I'm not wise man number two anymore.
Frankie: Oh, Brick.
Brick: I'm wise man number two and number three. Turns out wise man three has a bit of a shoving problem. So my new line is, "I bring you frankincense, and he brings you myrrh."
Frankie: Wow, Brick, that's great! Two parts. They must think you're doing a really great job. And you get to say "myrrh" like you wanted.
Brick: When you got it, you got it.
Quote from Reverend TimTom
Reverend TimTom: Holidays can be a stressful time.
Mike: So I hear.
Reverend TimTom: You know, Mike, I get the sense that something's weighing on your mind. You know, I'm a pretty good listener.
Mike: No. I'm good.
Reverend TimTom: Dealing with family can be tough.
Mike: Oh, yeah? I hadn't really thought about it.
Reverend TimTom: But you know, you don't have to do it alone.
Mike: Alone's fine.
Reverend TimTom: I'm talking 'bout kickin' it upstairs to a different department. [plays guitar and sings] Talk to the man upstairs He'll listen to your prayers Instead of just saying grace Before you stuff your face Talk to the man upstairs Try a prayer All lines open 24/7. [plays guitar riff]
Mike: Okay. Yeah. Thanks, but the Colts are rebuilding, and I don't want to distract him from that.
Reverend TimTom: You know, he's a pretty good multitasker. I bet he could handle you and the Colts. Just something to think about, Mike.
Mike: Will do. Brick! I'm just gonna go get him.
Quote from Mike
Mike: [to the heavens] So, my brother... I mean... well, you saw. You're probably up to speed. I'm just wondering if I did the right thing. I-I don't know if you show me, or... if that's even the way it works. Frankie's more the church person. If you told her and she told me, that'd be fine. Anyway, thanks for Andrew Luck.
Quote from Sue
Sue: These are the actual cookies eaten by a wise man on stage.
Reverend TimTom: Hey, Sue Heck. Terrific job on the concession stand.
Sue: No. I failed. But it's okay. You know, you can tell me. I can take it. Well, probably not, so I would go easy on me.
Reverend TimTom: You don't fail when you do your best. Anyway, I'm headed up to Bloomington. They have this big interfaith snowball fight on campus where they work out thousands of years of conflict in a fun, safe environment. Would it be cool if I took some of your delicious cookies?
Sue: Yes. [giggles]
Reverend TimTom: I just wish there was more of 'em.
Sue: Well, I have a thousand more in the car. I mean that. A thousand.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Dude, that was awesome. This thing was a total suck-fest till you showed up, seriously. You rocked it. That shoe-squeaking was hilarious.
Brick: Thanks. I saw it on a TV show where guys in shiny shorts ran up and down a floor, and I really liked the squeaking sound.
Mike: Brick, that was a basketball game.
Axl: Yeah, it was. Up top. [high-fives Brick] Come on. One more. Is that all you got? [holds his hand up higher] Whoop. Nope. Not this time. No... It's okay, one more. No! Sorry.
Frankie: [v.o.] And at that moment, Mike realized... Brick was Axl's weird brother. And it'd kill him if he ever thought there would come a day when they would stop speaking to each other.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Wait. I'm not as busy as I'd like to be, either. Can I be in it?
Reverend TimTom: Oh, I'd sure love that, but it's only for kids 12 and under.
Sue: Oh. Pfft. Cool. Yeah. No prob.
Reverend TimTom: But hey. Not to worry. I saved a very important job for you.
Sue: Really?
Reverend TimTom: How would you feel about makin' cookies for the concession stand?
Sue: Ha! I love cookies! And concession stands.