Dierdre: Oh, hi. Hi. Hi. Is your mom home?
Brick: Um, she didn't say anything about calling in work and faking a cold, so I would go with no.

Bill: Come on. Open it. Sunglasses!
Mike: Uh-huh.
Bill: You know, I've never seen you with sunglasses on, and you're always kind of squinting, so... thought you could use them.
Mike: Oh. These are nice.
Bill: Yeah.
Mike: Thanks.
Bill: Put 'em on.
Mike: Nah. It's not that bright out.
Bill: You're kind of squinting a little bit right now. Come on. Put them on. I want to see how they look on you.
Mike: Nah. I'm fine.
Bill: Oh. [clears throat] All right, then. Yeah. I'll, uh, I'll see you around.

Frankie: Oh, good. You're here. I need help decorating the tree. I've been so depressed, I'm eating the popcorn off the garland.
Sue: Uh, there's someone on the porch who wants to see you.
Frankie: I told that tuba-player kid, I am not buying his cheese and sausage. He's gonna have to find another way to get to the Rose Parade.
Frankie: [voice breaking] Oh, my God! [sniffles] You're home! [crying] This is the best Christmas present ever! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh!
Axl: Mom, I need to tell you something, so, listen.
Frankie: No! I don't want to hear it. You said things. I said things. Let's just put it behind us. You're home, and that is all I care about. Mwah!
Axl: Yeah, well, the reason I'm home is...
Frankie: The reasons don't matter.
Sue: One might.
Frankie: From here on out, fresh start. Let's just move forward. Nothing could ruin this moment. Oh, it's Christmas, and Christmas is all about families, and our family is together again. [whispers] You're my favorite. Oh, Mike! Mike! Our son is back. Our son is home.

Frankie: I've never seen you wear sunglasses before.
Mike: Yeah. Bill got them for me... for Christmas. Said he was at the mall thinking about me.
Frankie: Oh, that's nice.
Mike: Is it, though? It's turning into this whole thing. Now I got to get something for Bill, right? That's the way it works?
Frankie: That's not necessarily true. He may have gotten you something just 'cause he's a kind person.
Mike: No. You weren't there. Got really awkward at the door. He was just standing there.
Frankie: Didn't you invite him in?
Mike: No. I was thrown.
Frankie: [sighs] Well, these are really cool. Have you tried them on?
Mike: No. I'm not playing his game. And I'll tell you something else... I'm not getting him anything. I'm out.
Frankie: [sighs] Don't ever get married.
Axl: Ha!

Axl: Oh, get a grip, Sue.
Sue: You get a grip! I can't look Mom in the eye right now. I'm horrible at keeping secrets. You know that. Mom and Dad are fixing your transmission for Christmas.
Axl: Aw, I wanted that Japanese robot dog.
Sue: Said the married man. Look, you need to talk to Mom and Dad. You need a plan, Axl, unless you have it all figured out. Are you gonna stay married? Have you talked to April? What is she thinking? What are you gonna do about Christmas? Are you going over to April's place, or is she coming here?
Axl: As I have said before, I do not currently know the location of my wife.

Frankie: And this is the ornament you made me in the 5th grade. Well, actually, I came to volunteer that day, and you just ran around, and I made it.
Axl: Oh, yeah.
Frankie: [laughs] This is so great, Axl. But, seriously, I know there must be other things you want to do.
Axl: What? Are you kidding me? I love decorating the tree. I don't know why I ever thought this was lame. It's great. [chuckles]
Frankie: Aww. Well, you were a teenager, and teenagers do dumb things.
Axl: Yeah, well, even people over 21 do dumb things.
Frankie: [chuckling] Tell me about it. Like the time I bought the glue-on nails at the gas station. Luckily, the numbness stopped at the elbows.
Axl: [laughing] Oh, right.

Frankie: Hey, Sue, come on! Look at the tree!
Sue: [laughs nervously] Oh, it's amazing! You two must be really proud of everything you've accomplished what with all the other things that need to get done around here.
Frankie: Well, you've got to come around and look at the whole thing.
Sue: No, no, no. I-I can picture it. [laughs nervously] I am just glad everyone is having a very merry Christmas. Nobody's having heartburn, no random vomiting or twisting your hair till it falls right out of your head. [laughs] That is awesome! I am thrilled that you two are free to enjoy the wonders of the season. [chuckles] [sighs] Hmm.
Axl: Still a teenager.

Frankie: Knock, knock. [gasps] Oh, Sue. Were you praying?
Sue: No. No. I'm just looking for something under my bed. Nope, not there.
Frankie: Hey, um, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sue: Sure. Hey, is that poster crooked?
Frankie: [sighs] Sue, honey... I know what's going on here.
Sue: You do?
Frankie: Yeah. Don't worry. It's perfectly natural for you to be jealous of your brother. I know I've been spending a lot of time with Axl, but it's only because our relationship was so strained and we are both so happy to be able to put that all behind us. [Sue laughs nervously] Sue, would you look at me when I'm talking to you?
Sue: I thought I was.
Frankie: Look, the point is, no matter what, you're my only daughter, and we will always share a very special bond.
Axl: [o.s.] Mom! The reindeer cookies are ready for frosting!
Frankie: Axl needs me. [exits]

Brick: [cellphone chimes] Oh, no. Gracie Peterson texted me asking me what time we'll be home. That's it. We got to move.
Frankie: Come on, Brick. They like you, and they're cute.
Brick: They're cute until they won't leave you alone. I was in the snowbank for five hours and got frostbite on my page-turning finger.
Sue: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever. Okay, new game. Everyone say something nobody else knows that you feel bad about but you'll feel better after you say it.
Brick: I used Dad's toothbrush.
Mike: What?
Brick: Not in my mouth. Boy, that's a load off.
Sue: Not your turn!

Axl: [sighs] Look, I'm just dumb, all right? I'm really dumb. I got swept up in the moment, but I am still in college... I've got to graduate. I mean, April picks up golf balls for a living, and my house is a Winnebago. [chuckling] Oh, God. I'm starting to think I did not think this through. But, on the other hand, she is kind of amazing. I mean, she makes me laugh, and she looks like... well, you've seen her... an angel, right? Oh, God, I don't know! I don't know. I just... I need you guys to tell me what to do. [sighs]
Mike: I'd say that if you need to ask your parents if you should be married, you probably shouldn't be married.
Brick: Okay, I've researched grounds for annulment in the state of Indiana. There's not being of legal age, suspicion of fraud, if one or both of the parties are mentally unstable...
Mike: Bingo!
Frankie: That one.