Sue: Okay, I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to jinx it, but Brad and I got summer jobs at Dollywood!
Mike: What? How?
Sue: The entertainment committee from the park came to East Indy, so Brad drove up and we auditioned together.
[flashback to Sue and Brad square dancing before a panel. At the end of their dance, they reveal "Pick" "Us" in the lining of their hats]
Sue: We're gonna be performers! Ha! Okay, well, Brad is. He's dancing at the Country Crossroads stage show. I will be a hostess at Aunt Granny's All-You-Care-To-Eat Buffet. But I'll get to play a character.
Mike: Hang on. You're talking about living in Tennessee for the summer?
Sue: But don't worry, Dad. They have condos for all their employees right there in Pigeon Forge. They're really just cabins, but they call 'em condos 'cause it sounds fancier.
Mike: Does your mom know about this?
Sue: No, no, no. I didn't tell anybody. Do you not understand how jinxing works?
Mike: I don't know, Sue. I don't like this. It's in a different state with strange people in condos. You won't be home all summer. I'm not paying for it.
Sue: Yeah, I know, Dad. I-I-I got all that figured out. I will be making double what I made at Spudsy's, so it won't cost you anything. Oh, plus, the best part... I won't be smelling like potatoes anymore. I'll smell like fried chicken.
Mike: [sighs] It's not about the money. What do we even know about this Dolly Parton? I'm sorry, Sue, but I'm gonna have to say no.
Sue: Oh. I-I'm sorry, Dad. But I wasn't really asking your permission. I was just kind of letting you know.

Frankie: [v.o.] So, given the choice between an atomic wedgie and another round of "Jerk/Not a Jerk," Brick chose the latter.
Axl: Hey, sorry. Is this guy bugging you?
Zoe: No, he's actually being really sweet. I mean, I thought I was the biggest Planet Nowhere nerd, but Brick here can name every Silligan officer in the Pernovian Fleet.
Brick: Hmm.
Axl: Wow.

Mike: She was telling me about Dollywood. Not asking, telling. Is that what it is now? I'm the guy that gets told things?
Frankie: Mike, she's going to Dollywood to sing and dance with Brad. Other than becoming a nun, that's as safe as it gets. Grab your toothbrush.
Mike: Why we switching rooms again?
Frankie: Because I'm being blackmailed by an 11-year-old. She said we'd be square if we traded rooms, and I need to be square. Nancy is our neighbor, our friend. And, by the way, have you tasted her caramel popcorn balls?

Mike: We never should've let Sue go to East Indy State. We should've sent her to a school where they teach kids to listen to their parents.
Frankie: Yeah, the University of Listening to Your Parents has a really long waiting list. I mean, Mike, she's 19. She's covering the costs. What is the problem?
Mike: I can't believe you're okay with this.
Frankie: Well, of course I'm gonna miss her, but for Sue, I think this is a good thing. I mean, she's always been a little more clingy, which of course I love, but I've been worried that she's never gonna leave on her own, so the fact that she wants to do this, I think we should encourage her.
Mike: Yeah, well, maybe you're all free-wheeling and chill, but I'm not.
Frankie: So what're you gonna do? Punish her for getting a job? Make her sit in the corner and write "I will not work for Dolly Parton" a thousand times?
Mike: I don't know, but I'm gonna do something. I'm not gonna stop being her dad just 'cause she's 18.
Frankie: 19.
Mike: Whatever. She's still a kid. And I'll tell you something else. She's coming with me to see that rock that looks like a buffalo. So is everybody else in this family 'cause I said so.

Frankie: Hey, Nance. Hey, what are you wearing to the dance tonight, the black thing or the blue thing?
Nancy: The blue.
Frankie: Oh. Okay. Hey, have you talked to Sean? 'Cause I got it done... He's taking the MCATs. Yay.
Nancy: Yes, and I want to thank you, Frankie. I just don't want to smother you with my gratitude.
Frankie: Uh...
Nancy: That's right. Shelly told me you called me a smotherer.
Frankie: What? No, no, no, no. Smother? She must've misheard me. I think I said, "Wow, that Nancy is some mother." So-mother. See? It sounds kind of like "smother." Kids are really bad with diphthongs.
Nancy: Uh-huh.
Frankie: It's so hot in here. What, are they raising iguanas? What were we talking about? Oh, how kids lie. How old is Shelly? 11? Can you really trust them at that age? And what was she doing in a bar? That's a little bit weird. I'm not blaming you. It's just what kids do to get attention. They... They lie, start fires.

Mike: Why are we loading everything into the Donahues' cars?
Frankie: They offered to drive. Isn't that nice?
Mike: No, it's not. We'll take our own car.
Frankie: Why? Would you rather make it to Kentucky, or spend all week in a ditch waiting for AAA?
Mike: Oh, I don't think AAA will come for us anymore. Frankie, this is supposed to be our vacation.
Frankie: Yeah, so just relax and let the Donahue vacation karma work for you. I did, and I feel great 'cause Nancy is on top of everything.
Mike: Well, I'm not letting Ron do all the driving. It's a matter of pride.
Frankie: Well, your pride is leaking transmission fluid all over the driveway. So just go limp, Mike. It's happening.

Nancy: Sean, aren't you bringing anything? Your MCAT study guide, shampoo... a razor?
Sean: Mom, I'm not into possessions. You just become a slave to them. You don't own them, they own you.
Nancy: Okay, girls in one car, boys in the other!
Frankie: [v.o.] Let me tell you... breaking the cars up into girls and guys was a great idea. Girls can talk about girl stuff... [girls laugh] And guys can talk about guy stuff. [guys are silent]

Frankie: [v.o.] So, we finally arrived at Pine Cedar Lodge, and I could see why Mike liked it. There was a lot of plaid.

Frankie: Sue, I told you not to order the six-pound omelet.
Sue: Yeah, but if you finish it in under an hour, they give you a pin.

Nancy: Sorry Ron's not here. He had an early tee time. He always says he could live on a golf course, and I say, "You might have to if you don't spend more time with your family."