Eleanor: I promised to help you, and I will, however I can. If you want to look at a million rocks like a psychopath, I'll be there. If you want to just lay here and cry in your hoodie, I'm cool with that. Honestly, I don't know how I can help you, 'cause I'm just a person and you're, like, this super magical Orville Redenbacher type guy who invented this entire universe, but I'll do my best. I'm right here.
Michael: Oh, my gosh. Of course. How did I not see it? Janet... I found the answer to the problem. Call a neighborhood meeting.
Janet: Should it be festive and casual or moribund and devastating?
Michael: Moribund and devastating, please.
Janet: Great!

Michael: Thank you all for your patience with the problems in our neighborhood. I have finally discovered the cause. There was one common link among every incident. And when I figured it out, it was a shock. But there's no escaping it. The problem... is me. [all gasp] And now... I have to leave you... forever.

Chidi: What are you doing?
Eleanor: [gasps] Dude, I'm freaked out about my meeting with Michael, and if I spend one more second staring at Creepo the Clown, I'm gonna lose it.
Chidi: You named the clowns?
Eleanor: Psycho, Creepo, Crazy Head, Stupid Juggling Weirdo, Freaky Feet, and Nightmare George Washington. One of them has to go.
[Eleanor replaces Creepo with a poster of a shirtless delivery guy.]
Chidi: Oh, sexy mailman. Much better.

Michael: Anyway, it's been a tough couple of days. Right now, I could really use a friend by my side.
Eleanor: Well, you know me. The person who has audibly promised to help you.

[flashback:]
Eleanor: So you need to me house-sit the whole week? Sounds like somebody's gonna have a sweet vay-cay.
Brittany: As I told you before, my mom is very sick. I'm gonna help her move into assisted living.
Eleanor: Well, I'm here for you. And your Wi-Fi is way better than my neighbor's, so I'm in.
Brittany: It's gonna mean taking care of Lester too. Walk and feed him twice a day. Give him his kidney medicine.
Eleanor: Yup, got it... feed his kidneys.
Brittany: Eleanor?
Eleanor: Yeah?
Brittany: This is gonna be a very stressful week for me. I need to know that I can count on you.
Eleanor: I won't let you down. I promise.

Michael: Oh, man! I didn't even want that thing. Why am I trying to win it?
Eleanor: Because the machine says it's a prize.

Michael: You know something? As much as I've always wanted to be around humans, I think I've missed a big part of what makes them wonderful. Sometimes all you guys think about is how you can have the most fun.
Eleanor: Exactly! That was practically my mantra.
[flashback:]
Eleanor: What's up, dong bait?
Pilar: [laughs] Drop everything you're doing. Rihanna is performing in Vegas. I got tickets. We are road-tripping.
Eleanor: Oh, I can't! I promised I'd house-sit one more day, and I have to feed this stupid dog.
Pilar: I'm sorry, does this dog smoke blunts topless on a yacht like a boss? 'Cause that's how Ri-Ri do.
Eleanor: That's a very good point.
Pilar: This is floor seats in Vegas for Rihanna. The booze is free there. Do I really need to keep going?
[Eleanor talks to the dog after laying out bowls of kibbel:]
Eleanor: Okay, this is dinner tonight, breakfast tomorrow... I have an idea. [brings over the large bag of kibbel] This is in case of emergency. Do not eat this unless it's an emergency. Wow. I'm ready to be a mom.

Janet: I'm having trouble getting this mask to stick.
Tahani: Yes, it's 'cause my pores are just so small. There's no way anything could ever adhere to my skin. It's a curse, really.
Tahani: Jianyu? What are your pores like? [Jason is speechless] [Tahani sighs] Janet, can you show me to the sauna, please?

Chidi: Dude, she's trying so hard, and you're giving her nothing! Just pick a fact that you know about her and just muddle through. She... She said she likes impressionist paintings.
Jason: Impressionist paintings? Okay, say no more.
Chidi: No, no, no, I definitely feel like I need to say more. [Jason runs out] Jia... [laughs]

Eleanor: Hey, buddy. I have all new fun stuff for us to do today.
Michael: Eleanor, I have huge news. Not working actually worked.
Eleanor: It did what now?
Michael: After our day off, with a completely clear head, I realized part of what makes humans so fun is that they're unpredictable. The chaos we've been experiencing is exactly what would happen if a resident behaved unpredictably. The problem in our neighborhood... it's not a rock or an object. It's one of the people. Oh! We need to celebrate! I know, okay... Paper clip shower! [laughs]