Chidi: Okay, you have to step up. Find a way to connect with her without, you know, being you.
Jason: What does that even mean? Do I talk or not talk? Do I be nice to Tahani, or do I throw all her jewelry in the toilet?
Chidi: That's the opposite of being nice?
Jason: So no toilet?

Janet: Okay, my hands are heated to the ideal 105 degrees. Who would like to go first?
Tahani: Oh, well what if I go first, and then perhaps Jianyu could stand near me and share some intimate aspects of his life?
Chidi: Or what if... while Janet messages Tahani, I massage Jianyu?
[later:]
Tahani: Jianyu, darling, let's discuss the arts. I adore the impressionists. Who's your favorite artist?
Jason: I mean, Pitbull changed the game... [Chidi covers Jason's mouth]
Chidi: Sorry, just working the oft-neglected mandible area.

Eleanor: So would you say I helped you today?
Michael: [holds a Minion plush] Oh, so much. I had fun, I didn't think about my problems, and I won this ugly yellow toddler, which is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Thank you so much.
Eleanor: All right, I'll see you tomorrow, friend.

Chidi: Well, if I feel sympathy for anyone, it's Tahani. She's going through the same thing I am, but she doesn't know it. Which means maybe I'm obligated to tell her. Although maybe it's better not to know. Is ignorance bliss, or will the painful truth actually be healing...
Tahani: [enters] You ready, Jianyu? Oh, I cannot wait to just relax and talk and chat and just, you know...
get to know each other.
Chidi: Hey! Maybe I'll come too.
Tahani: Oh. Well, Chidi... it's just that this is, um... this is really more of a couples thing.
Chidi: I know. But Eleanor's off with Michael, and Jianyu feels comfortable when I'm around. Right?
Jason: [looks at Magic 8-Ball] Made in Taiwan.
Chidi: Yes, you were. You were made in Taiwan. So... couples date! Let's go!

Eleanor: I never really looked around your office the first day. What is all this junk?
Michael: Well, technically, architects aren't allowed to own any human objects, but... oh, I just love them so much. And over here, look at this. Aren't paper clips the most amazing things in the world?
Eleanor: Yeah. Sure.

Michael: Anyway, my current theory is that some object in the neighborhood is a design flaw which is causing everything to go haywire. So we need to find that object. We're gonna start with the rocks. Now, I've investigated all of the rocks in the neighborhood. These 78 are the most suspicious.
Eleanor: Maybe to an architect, they might look suspicious, but to me, they just look like rocks, so I'm not sure how I can help.
Michael: Do any of them look defective? Sinister? You know, like they're taunting you? Always one step ahead? You devious little monsters, you.
Eleanor: Okay, let's take a deep breath here, buddy. You need to chill a little. 'Cause you have a very psycho, "burnout guy muttering to himself at a library computer" type vibe.
Michael: It's my responsibility to solve the problem. What else can I do except keep working?
Eleanor: You could stop working. Look, I promised to help you, and honestly, the way I can help you is to force you to take a break.
Michael: And not working will help me work?
Eleanor: Yes! Recharge the old batteries. I promise this is gonna help both of us. Let's go.
Michael: Okay. Let's keep our eyes peeled for twigs that may have a nefarious agenda.
Eleanor: Okay, crazy, come on.

Michael: You know something? I feel better already.
Eleanor: Should we get back to work? Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah. The whole point is to stop thinking about work and start having fun. Now, what should we do first?
[cut to Michael and Eleanor singing at a karaoke bar:]
Both: [sing] I'm going out In a blaze of glory Lord, I never drew first But I drew first blood And I'm no one's son So call me young gun Whoo!
Michael: This is so interesting! I mean, there's no point to it. The images on the screen relate to nothing. Some time passed, and then it was over.
Eleanor: That's karaoke!
Michael: Oh, let's do it again.

Eleanor: So do you think we're looking for a man, or do you think we're looking for two men?
Michael: Not sure. We don't know anything about this person. I mean, does he or she even know that they caused all these problems? No, that can't be. I mean, what kind of monster would wreak havoc and then say nothing? So this is the main place where the garbage fell from the sky. Janet.
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Michael: I need a list of everyone that was here on garbage duty during orientation. Oh. Eleanor, our criminal is on this very short list.
Janet: People were flying that day too. I'll add everybody who flew overhead.
Eleanor: [groans] Ugh.
Michael: Eleanor, our criminal is on this much longer list.
Eleanor: [sighs]

Jason: Oh, hey, homey. Thanks for your advice. I'm about to give Tahani the best gift ever. Check it.
Chidi: What?
Jason: She likes impressionist paintings, right? I got her a painting of the best impressionist of all time, Frank Caliendo. He can do it all... fat Al Pacino, fat Jerry Seinfeld, regular John Madden. "Say hello to my little friend." "Forget about it."

[flashback:]
Eleanor: Paula! Hey, girl. How's the dog?
Paula: Still fat, Eleanor. Still fat. The vet says his stomach expanded to the size of a basketball and that it will never shrink.
Eleanor: Mmm. Oh, well, that's not my fault. How was I supposed to know he would literally eat all of the food?
Paula: It shouldn't have been an issue. You were supposed to be there, but you broke your promise as soon as it wasn't convenient for you, and now I have a very bulbous dog.
Eleanor: Well, you know what? You're rude. 'Cause you didn't even ask me how the Rihanna concert was. She was very late. And a little drunk.