Michael: Oh, hey, Eleanor, thanks for coming in. Sorry about the mess. [clears throat] Oh, I forgot, you don't see in nine dimensions. There's just a lot of... there's a lot of tension in the air right now.
Eleanor: Are you okay, buddy? You seem kind of stressed.
Michael: No, no, no, I'm fine. Top of my game, actually. Uh, here, let me just, uh... Have a seat. There you go. So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those Friends really were friends, weren't they? Although... and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being... How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.
Eleanor: Yeah, we were all confused about that too.

Tahani: Jianyu, my love. How are you?
Jason: [looks at Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.
Tahani: That's very profound.
Tahani: Um, soul mate... an idea. Our neighborhood now features a spa, and it offers couples packages. And I thought maybe we could get facials and do yoga and talk in long, discursive sentences. What do you say?
Jason: [looks down] Signs point to yes.
Tahani: Oh! Marvelous. We'll go today.

Jason: Dude, you got to come with us to the spa.
Chidi: No way. No, that's really weird. You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?
Jason: No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King. You got to help me.

Chidi: Quick summary of contractualism. Uh, imagine a group of reasonable people are coming up with the rules for a new society.
Eleanor: Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free?
Chidi: Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair. So if you said, "We should be able to break our promises without any repercussions," someone would veto that rule.
Eleanor: Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.
Chidi: Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frowned upon. If you make a promise to someone, you should do it. Just like I promised to help you and still am, despite your constant mockery.
Eleanor: [mockingly] "Despite your constant mockery." Whatever, you love it.

Tahani: Hello, Janet. Jianyu and I are here for the couples package, please.
Chidi: [clears throat] And also I will be joining them.
Janet: Great, and who is the other half of your couple?
Chidi: Oh, no, no, it's just me.
Janet: Couples are pairs of people.
Chidi: Yup, and, uh, there is a pair of people, Tahani and Jianyu. And then also I am here.
Janet: Great, and who will be joining you?
Chidi: No one. Um, it's really quite simple, Janet. They are a couple, and I am a third part of that couple. Uh, a helper part who is here for fun and excitement. It's a three-person couple.
Janet: [in robotic voice] Does not compute. Does not compute. [normal voice] I'm just kidding. [laughs] I mean, it doesn't compute, but I'm not gonna explode or anything.
Tahani: Right. Well, I'll see you inside, darling.

Eleanor: What is it with you and frozen yogurt? Have you not heard of ice cream?
Michael: Oh, sure, but I've come to really like frozen yogurt. There's something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it.
Eleanor: [chuckles] That is very human. Why do you need a human to be your assistant? I mean, aren't there more of... whatever you are?
Michael: Well, since we're becoming friends, like Ross and Phoebe...
Eleanor: Weird combo to pick, but okay.
Michael: I'm gonna tell you a secret. Usually, architects don't live in their neighborhoods. Usually, the people show up, we play the movie, Janet is there to answer questions, and you're on your own. But I had this theory. I thought transition would be easier if the architect were on-site for at least the first 1,000 years or so.
Eleanor: That's why you've been so freaked out. 'Cause your butt is on the line.
Michael: My boss thought I was nuts. And if this neighborhood doesn't work, I am in big trouble. But more importantly, I promised all of you that you would be safe and happy. And you just don't break a promise. Unlike Ross when he promised Emily not to talk to Rachel.
Eleanor: Wow, you are really into that show.

Michael: This is where the sinkhole opened up. And the guest list that night was limited.
Janet: [appears] There were a total of 30 people here that night.
Michael: [laughs]
Eleanor: Only 30, huh?
Michael: [laughs] How do you pump your fists again? Is this it?
Janet: But 66 others passed through to take a look before it opened, and everyone else in the neighborhood was in a close radius.
Eleanor: Oh, boy, that... doesn't narrow it down at all. Feels like the end of the road. "End of the Road," Boyz II Men, karaoke. Let's go... don't think about it too much.
Michael: Janet. My hoodie, please. [Michael puts on a grey hoodie, pulls the hood over his head and tightens the drawstrings]
Eleanor: What's happening?
Michael: I give up. I can't help the people I promised that I would help. I feel like Friends in season eight, out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense. I hope the sinkhole opens up again and swallows me whole.

Eleanor: In five minutes, Michael wants my help investigating what's making the neighborhood go nuts, which is obviously me. I mean, I did promise I would help. What do I do here?
Chidi: Actually, the answer is...
Eleanor: Right here in this easily understandable comic strip.
Chidi: Nope, in this book about the theory of contractualism.
Eleanor: "What We Owe to Each Other." [gasps] I saw this movie. Laura Linney cries in a lake house because Jude Law left her for his ex-wife's ghost.
Chidi: No.

Eleanor: So either I help him find the problem, which is me, and I'm doomed, or I don't help him, and then I'm behaving unethically and the whole world goes crazy and I'm caught anyway. I need to figure out a way both help him and not help him at the same time.
Chidi: That's literally not possible.
Eleanor: Oh, really? I once posed as a hot prom date for my cousin, both helping him and later, according to his therapist, not helping him.

Chidi: You sure this is where you want to be right now? At the Tea for Two couples cafe?
Tahani: There's no use avoiding it, Chidi. I'm alone. Jianyu and I have nothing in common. I just want a soul mate. Someone I can share my passions with, someone who I can talk to about the ethereal colors of a Degas.
Chidi: I love Degas. I took painting lessons as a kid, and Degas was always my inspiration.
Tahani: And do you like France as much as I do?
Chidi: Well, they enslaved my country for 300 years. So no. But they have great museums.