TV Quotes

Chidi: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Eleanor: This is the Bad Place. I forking knew it! And clam chowder is disgusting. It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons.
Chidi: Okay, but what do we do, panic, freak? I usually panic, but I am happy to freak.
Eleanor: No. We have to stay cool. As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.
Chidi: Your mom always said that?

Michael: Okay, so, now, this is sort of a quick litmus test, basic questions designed to tell whether you were fundamentally good or bad. Number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime?
Jason: Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat after he sued me. [beep] And... I stole an old lady's fake leg once on a dare. [beep]
Michael: Did you ever have a personalized license plate?
Jason: Yeah, dawg. "I LUV BUTTS". [beep]
Michael: Have... Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Jason: Yo, the Chilis? I saw them in concert like 50 times. [beep] I once got arrested trying to steal Flea's bass guitar. [beep] Oh, that was another serious crime I committed. I should have mentioned that earlier. [beep] Is it just me, or am I acing this test?
Michael: Oh, this is bad. Oh, this is so, so bad. Oh, I thought I had everything under control when I found Eleanor, but somehow you are... you're so much worse.

Chidi: Let's just face it, Eleanor, you don't belong here.
Eleanor: Well, then this system sucks. What, one in a million gets to live in paradise and everyone else is tortured for eternity? Come on. I mean, I wasn't freaking Gandhi, but I was okay. I was a medium person. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place! Like Cincinnati. Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati.
Chidi: Look, apparently it doesn't work that way. I'm sorry, Eleanor, but there's nothing anyone can do.
Eleanor: Unless... there is something we can do. Unless you could teach me.
Chidi: Teach you what?
Eleanor: How to be good. That was your job, right? A professor of ethics? No one knew I was a problem when I arrived. Things only started getting crazy after I was an ash-hole to everyone at the party. [groans] You know I'm trying to say "ash-hole" and not "ash-hole," right?
Chidi: I got that, yes.
Eleanor: Okay, give me a chance. Let me earn my place here. Let me be your ethical guinea pig.
Michael: [o.s.] [knocks on door] Hey, guys! Uh, emergency neighborhood meeting, now!
Eleanor: We'll be right there, Michael! If I walk out of here in these clothes, I'm toast. My soul is in your hands, soul mate. What's it gonna be? [Michael knocks again] [thunder roars]
Chidi: Oh, stomachache.

Chidi: [sings] You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and eat them both up You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and add the M&Ms You put the Peeps in the chili pot, It makes it taste... bad! [clears throat] [talks] I'm gonna eat all this chili and/or die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna put it right down here. Come on. Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.
Man: Professor? I can see that you're going through something, but exams are next week. So can you teach us anything?
Chidi: All right, nerd. You want to learn something? I'll teach you something. I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life. How do ya like them apples? Now over the last, 2,500 years Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off, there's "virtue ethics." Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character, like courage or generosity. And you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues. Next, there's consequentialism. The basis for judgment about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action. How much utility, or good, did it accomplish versus how much pain, or bad. And finally, there's deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that everyone must adhere to in a functioning society. Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies all three of those theories are hot, stinky, cat dookie. The true meaning of life, the actual ethical system that you should all follow is nihilism. The world is empty. There is no point to anything and you're just gonna die. So, do whatever! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and you all can jump up your own butts.
Woman: Is that going to be on the test?
Chidi: Yes. And no. And you all get "A"s or "F"s. And there is no test. And you all failed it, and you all got "A"s. Who cares? Goodbye. [groaning voice] Goodbye.

Michael: Since Janet can't retrieve your file, I need to find another way to determine what kind of person you were. This is a quick litmus test. Handful of questions designed to tell whether you are fundamentally good or bad. Question number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime, such as murder, sexual harassment, arson, or otherwise?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Did you ever have a vanity license plate, like "MAMASBMW," "LEXUS4LIZ," or "BOOBGUY"?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?
Eleanor: Ew, no.
Michael: Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band "The Red Hot Chili Peppers"?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?
Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

Janet: Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question?
Jason: Sure.
Janet: What are jalapeno poppers?
Jason: Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeno filled with cheese.
Janet: Hm.
Jason: One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.
Janet: Got it. Thanks, Jianyu.
Jason: You're welcome. [hugs Janet]
Janet: Why did you do that?
Jason: Because you're the only person here that's nice to me.
Janet: Okay.

Tahani: By the way, uh, what's you're favorite color for the tablecloths?
Michael: Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss."
Tahani: Could you describe it?
Michael: It's the color of... When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.
Tahani: Hmm. How about blue?

Chidi: I'm glad you'll be able to enjoy things again. Art, math, philosophy, like you used to.
Hypatia: Yeah, me too. I've been dreaming of ending the ennui of this eternal existence for a long time, but now I think I'll stick around for a while. It felt good to, uh... make brain words. Still mushy. I'll get it back.
Chidi: We're lucky we ran into you. It saved us.
Hypatia: That's not what saved you. [looks at Eleanor, Tahani and Jason]
Eleanor: Hey!
Jason: Hey!
Hypatia: It was your friendships.
Chidi: Yeah, I know, I got it.
Hypatia: Oh. Sorry. Still not sharp.

Jason: Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.
Tahani: What are you talking about?
Jason: I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.
Tahani: No, it isn't. You could tell me your real name, for starters.
Jason: My name is Jason Mendoza. I'm from Florida. And I'm a professional amateur DJ.
Tahani: And is, uh, that a family member?
Jason: I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.
Tahani: You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person. How did you get here?
Jason: I don't know, but, please, dawg, you can't tell Michael about me.
Tahani: You have some nerve asking me for favors when you have spent weeks deceiving me, making a fool out of me, and bringing snack food into my house. Disgusting.
Jason: Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now.

Tahani: Mine will obviously be an eternity spent in the Swiss Alps.
Eleanor: That sounds amazing.
Tahani: In Autumn. The off-season.
Eleanor: Yeah. Still fine. You'd be fine. Who are we kidding? You'll probably be running the place in like a week.
She'll be like, [British accent] "Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy, This simply won't do. I demand to speak to your manager."
Jason: Again! Again!
Eleanor: "Your manager."

Tahani: Character work! Such fun. I actually dabbled in a bit of acting after university. Although mostly I just stood around while Baz Luhrmann just threw glitter on me. Ooh, I shall be... [American accent] Rhonda Mumps. And I work down at the hot dog factory.
Michael: You need to be more specific. There are nine hot dog torture departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...
Tahani: Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?
Michael: Yes... throats.

Man: Hey. Do you wanna talk to God?
Chidi: "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
Man: I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird.
[As the sprinklers starts, Chidi takes off his soaked t-shirt, drops it on the ground and walks away]