Michael: I screwed up. I'm owning it. I mean, I'm a superior being... I ought to act like one, right? So I really thought about each one of you, and I got you something that will make you happy. I call them "opposite tortures."
Eleanor: Do you mean presents?
Michael: Yes, that's better. Thank you. Tahani, here's yours.
Tahani: Holy mama. Is this a diamond?
Michael: Yeah. Honestly, I don't get the appeal. Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now... that's basically meteorite poop.
Tahani: [squealing] And I have the biggest piece!

Michael: What do you want from me, man? You want me to give you a golden nameplate for your office? Or you want a diamond bigger than Tahani's?
Tahani: No! Then this would be worthless.
Chidi: I don't want anything.
Michael: Oh. Oh, okay. Ah, I get it. I get it. You want me to admit that I was wrong. You want me to say, "Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry because I didn't understand human ethics and you do. It made me feel insecure, and I lashed out. And, oh, please help me because I feel so... so lonely and vulnerable."
Chidi: Yes.
Michael: Oh, Chidi, I am so sorry. I, um... I didn't understand human ethics, and you do. And it made me feel insecure, and I lashed out. And I really need your help because I feel... so lost and vulnerable.
Chidi: Have a seat.

Chidi: I've been racking my brain, trying to find a way to get through to Michael. What do you think about writing a rap musical about Kierkegaard?
Eleanor: I think that's a terrible idea.
Chidi: Cool. [throws away papers]

Michael: Chidi? Talk it out, buddy. What are we thinking?
Eleanor: He thinks he just killed a bunch of people with a trolley.
Michael: It's just a simulation. I would never make you kill real people.
Chidi: Oh, well, that's reassuring, because some of the parts of the fake people flew into my mouth!

Jason: Tahani's confusing. She's really smart. And she's all soft and smooth like a bunch of water balloons. But I tell her she's pretty a hundred times a day, and she's never said I'm pretty once.
Janet: And how does that make you feel?
Jason: I just feel like Tahani's embarrassed that I'm not some sort of scientist who forecloses on banks.

Tahani: Eleanor seemed a little suspicious earlier, snooping around. You didn't tell her about us, did you?
Jason: No. Why are you so scared that someone will know we're pounding it out?
Tahani: Precisely because you refer to lovemaking as "pounding it out." Who cares about what other people might think about us being together? Maybe you should talk about this with a friend.
Tahani: But then that person would know we were together.
Jason: Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know we're together.
Tahani: But then that person would know, and I don't want anyone to know.
Jason: I know. I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.

Jason: Hey, guys. What are you doing? Sitting in a room? That's pretty cool.
Tahani: I took your suggestion, and I'm talking to Janet about our relationship.
Janet: Actually, it might help me if I could hear Jason's side as well.
Tahani: Oh, no, no, no. That'll only slow things down. Look, I'll tell you his side. He thinks that I have to control everything and that he has no voice in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we? I just... heard that. Okay, fine. I'll leave.

Chidi: I just don't feel like you're engaging with the material... like with The Trolley Problem.
Michael: That was just tricky. That's all. Why don't you just tell me the right answer?
Chidi: Well, that's what's so great about The Trolley Problem is that there is no right answer.
Eleanor: Ugh.
Michael: This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
Eleanor: I'm on your side here, dude, but he is not wrong.

Eleanor: Michael, can we just go back to the classroom?
Michael: We never left. Here, I'll show you.
[Chidi breathes a sigh of relief as Michael snaps his fingers and they're transported back to to the classroom. Michael snaps again and sends them back to the trolley.]
Eleanor: Look. See, buddy? None of this was real.
Michael: Well, they're fake people, but their pain is real. Does that make sense? There have to be stakes, or it's just another thought experiment.
Chidi: This is awful.
Michael: You specifically asked me if there was a way I could connect with the material more. I'm trying, you guys.

Eleanor: Do we know anything about the people? Like, is one of them an ex-boyfriend or that snooty girl from Rite Aid who was always silently judging my purchases? It's like, yeah, chicky, a Baby Ruth and birth control. I see the irony. Keep a-swipin'.
Chidi: You don't know any of the workers.
Eleanor: Okay, well, then that's easy. I switch tracks. Kill one person instead of five.