Chidi: It's okay. Cry as long as you want.
Eleanor: I'm going to. [sniffling] 'Cause my tears taste like the nacho cheese from my favorite movie theater. That's a really weird incentive to keep crying. Relationships are stupid. You're scared you're never gonna have a real one, and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away.
Chidi: Here's an idea. What if we don't worry about whatever comes next? There's a quote I like by Tolstoy: "There is only one time that is important: Now. It is the only time...
Both: "When we have any power."
Eleanor: I know that quote. An unverified Tyra Banks account posted that meme on Instagram.
Chidi: Well, now I hate it. [Eleanor laughs] There is another quote first spoken by a very wise, very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher: "You gotta try." Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but I think it applies to relationships too.

Paula: In light of this new information, the time has come to take decisive action.
Michael: Wow, can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that.
Chuck: We are gonna form an elite investigative team to get to the bottom of this. And we are fast-tracking the process. It'll take no more than 400 years.
Michael: Sorry?
Paula: It's aggressive, but you heard right. We are only giving ourselves 400 years to select the members of this elite team.
Michael: Wait, 400 years just to form the team? I was thinking that we could do something now-ish. Like, right now.
Meg: Michael, we have rules, procedures. We're the good guys. We can't just do stuff.
Paula: No.
Chuck: Upon formation, the team will then be in charge of organizing a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate themselves, to make sure there's no conflicts of interest. And that will take 1,000 years.
Michael: Okay. Just so you know, the whole time you're doing this, the bad guys are continuing to torture everyone who ends up in the Bad Place. Which is everyone.
Andie: And that deeply concerns us. Have you seen the memoranda we've sent each other about how concerned we are? We're taking this very seriously.
Kellen: Hear, hear.
Chuck: Kellan, did you file a "Hear, Hear" memorandum?
Kellen: No. Sincerest apologies. I rescind my "Hear, hear" and resign, effective immediately. [applause]

Tahani: Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us?
Michael: The committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking, and they're writing a strongly-worded letter to the iceberg. How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system. There's no other explanation.
Tahani: Can I ask you an unrelated question?
Michael: Absolutely not. The fate of all of humanity is at stake, and time is running out. [Tahani pouts] Go ahead.
Tahani: I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings, but everything I do makes it worse. You know them better than anyone else. How do I just make them happy?
Michael: How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.
Tahani: You'd think it'd be that simple. But every time I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions. Feels like a game you can't win.
Michael: That's it. There is another explanation. Unintended consequences. Oh, Tahani, you did it.
Tahani: Well, of course I did, darling. Did what?