Michael Quote #28
Michael: Oh, hey, Eleanor, thanks for coming in. Sorry about the mess. [clears throat] Oh, I forgot, you don't see in nine dimensions. There's just a lot of... there's a lot of tension in the air right now.
Eleanor: Are you okay, buddy? You seem kind of stressed.
Michael: No, no, no, I'm fine. Top of my game, actually. Uh, here, let me just, uh... Have a seat. There you go. So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those Friends really were friends, weren't they? Although... and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being... How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.
Eleanor: Yeah, we were all confused about that too.
Quote from Jason
Tahani: Jianyu, my love. How are you?
Jason: [looks at Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.
Tahani: That's very profound.
Tahani: Um, soul mate... an idea. Our neighborhood now features a spa, and it offers couples packages. And I thought maybe we could get facials and do yoga and talk in long, discursive sentences. What do you say?
Jason: [looks down] Signs point to yes.
Tahani: Oh! Marvelous. We'll go today.
Quote from Jason
Jason: Dude, you got to come with us to the spa.
Chidi: No way. No, that's really weird. You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?
Jason: No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King. You got to help me.
Quote from The Funeral to End All Funerals
Michael: Let's focus on the big picture here. Free of Earth's complications and its unintended consequences, the other three improved a lot. Chidi got 38% more confident. Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, and John didn't call one single person the C-word.
Judge: But he did yell the C-word at himself as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.
Shawn: Why are we even still discussing this? Brent got worse. If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.
Judge: He's right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming. I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael: But don't forget. There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people. That's the number of friends in Friends. Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel... and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?
Quote from Chillaxing
Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad and angry when you should be happy, and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but it's insane. The point is, in this case, even if it's not rational, you're allowed to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it and work your way through it, and then get your shirt together. Because we have a lot of work to do.